I have to be honest. Until I started this journey, I didn’t have a lot of resources. It was a struggle to get up everyday and get the things done that needed to get done.

Things that are seemingly not a big deal for everyone else to accomplish, were definitely a big deal for me. For example, having a messy house to clean is not a big feat for some. However, for me, it was overwhelming. Going grocery shopping was overwhelming. Picking my son up for school on the days where I would rather hole up inside the house was overwhelming.  Being 320 pounds was overwhelming.

The more overwhelmed I got, the more my energy depleted, the more I hated myself, the more depressed I became. I felt incapable and hopeless.

It’s never a good thing when you start to lose hope. It’s never a good thing when you feel in your heart that life will *always* be like this for you.

But then that day came, where I hit the proverbial “rock bottom” and realized that if I didn’t love myself enough to make a fresh start, then I should at the very least love my children enough to do it.  And so I did.  Initially, my kids were my driving force.  When I started to think about giving up, I thought about them.  It killed me to think that I may not be here for them in the future because of the poor choices I had made.  Because of that, I pushed myself to go the distance.

Something happened along the way and I began to want it for myself.  It has been a long time since I have wanted something for myself.  It’s a nice feeling actually.  For a long time, it seemed I was more than content to sit on the sidelines and watch everyone else succeed and enjoy life.  For a long time, I was content on being everyone else’s cute-but-fat cheerleader.

Being fat and depressed took up a lot of my resources.  So much so that I used up whatever of the left over resources I had for others.  I saved nothing for myself.  I didn’t feel like I deserved it.  I was fat and I was punishing myself for being fat… for being less-than-perfect in a society that will rip you down to shreds if you aren’t their version of “normal”.

I did not realize then that in punishing myself I was actually continuing the harmful cycle.  I thought I deserved to suffer.

Now i’m standing here today and life is like a breath of fresh air!  The fog that had been clouding around me for so long finally dissipated and I can see CLEARLY if not for the first time in a long time.

Bobbie mentioned in one of her posts, that her trainer said that we live in a microwave society.  It’s SO true!  Losing weight, especially when you have 50-100+ pounds to lose, is truly a journey.  One that we don’t get to just simply by eating our way there.  Food certainly factors in, but it is so much complicated than that.  In order to give this your best shot, you have to mentally prepare yourself to get there.  You have to save some of those resources for yourself.

In the end, you have to REALIZE that YOU ARE worth it.

And you know what?  I am worth it.  I am more than worth it.

I have been in a state of overwhelm for the past 3 weeks or so.  Thank God for March.  Because the month of February was extremely difficult to get through journey-wise.

It is hard staying on track during this transition.  I’m not going to lie… this is the hardest I have tried to lose weight in a time that is such upheaval.  To make matters even more difficult, I haven’t lost a pound in three weeks despite my efforts.

I am in a transition.  My semblance of normal has changed.  At the moment we are in limbo where there cannot really be a normal.  We are striving to get to and define what will become the new normal for us.

I can’t be on this journey if I am unwilling to be honest with myself.  Lying to myself, all of the smoke and mirrors just to hold on to the comfort of food is what lead me here.  So, when I started this journey back in December, I promised myself that I would not lie.  I would not fudge or cheat or steal from myself ever again.

And yet, I look at the numbers, and I can’t help but be disappointed. I had thought I would at least be under 300 by now.

I have to be honest and say that I don’t know how not to feel stressed right now.  My husband and kids have been sick since late last week.  I have been taking on the bulk of the packing, organizing and cleaning.  This is in addition to setting up utilities, talking to our landlord, and making arrangements with my son’s new and old schools.  Not to mention my own school work.  Oh and the van crapped out on us this morning and cost $800 to fix.  All of this has happened and we are just a scant few days before closing on the house.

And I *know* that I have not been eating as clean as possible.  In fact, from Thursday of last week to today I have slid backwards.  I. Am. Not. Happy. About. It.  Everyone is on an emotional rollercoaster here.  My husband is mad because he is sick and the kids are upset because they are sick.

Saturday, I worked out at the gym.  I pushed myself as hard as I could.  I noticed that I was more tired and less able to give it my all.  My body wanted to quit on me before I was actually ready to quit.  At the beginning of the week, I felt like I could push my body to new heights and still I was begging for more. But at the end of the week, I was drained — emotionally, physically, and mentally.

I racked up so many exercise points and burned so many calories in the gym, but still… I feel sluggish… tired… and not at all motivated.

What is going on?

Writing this down is kind of embarrassing.  I really want to keep this blog on the positive.  But, I promised myself two things on this journey: 1) honesty  and 2) accountability.

After getting the van fixed, I went grocery shopping and replenished our cupboards with healthy foods.  I am determined to start anew tomorrow.  And I am doing so by pre-planning.  Meals have either been halfway prepared or at the very least a menu has been written down.  Nothing this week will be left up to chance.

There are so many factors out of control right now.  I need to refocus on what I *can* control.

When I did this the first time and lost 70 pounds, I was the only person in my immediate life that I had to worry about.  It was easier.  I could eat the same things day in and day out and be on a very strict schedule for both exercise and food.  I could infuse a constant stream of positive energy into my life and my home and not worry about the emotions of others or any responsibility to anyone other than myself.

This time around, everything is different.  I have to factor in the unexpected and for me… that can be extremely difficult.  I almost have to unthink it.  And just because I try to infuse tons of positivity into my home and into my life, doesn’t mean that everyone will be receptive of it all of the time.  Case in point:  people are sick and miserable in my house right now.  I would have to be made of stone if I said it didn’t affect me.  Of course it affects me.   When my family is sick… I want so much to help them all feel better.

The weight of the world rests upon my shoulders right now and I feel alone with it.  But I am dealing.  Thishere blog is really the only place where I share my thoughts with such raw honesty.

I know that everything is going to be okay.  I am still persevering to the best of my ability and I know that my normal will come back.

But for right now on my journey… on my climb… i’m heading up a hill.

I have just found out that I received a Sunshine blog award from Jaimie and Brittany. Thank you both so much for this award! I am completely honored and truly you have made my day!

As per the instructions of the award, I am to pass it on to 12 bloggers of who make my day brighter and bring in the inspiration just by reading their blogs!

Here are my list of 12 (in alphabetic-ish order):

1.  1940’s Experiment – The recipes are delicious looking and the ration makes perfect sense of what normal portions should be!

2.  Amy’s Quest to Skinny – I find that I really identify with Amy.  Her weight loss success is such a daily dose of inspiration to me!

3.  Anonymous Fat Girl – Bobbie is a daily dose of inspiration to me.  She has drive and a definite goal.  Her vision and her blog keeps me going.  She is an awesome woman!

4.  CDBG – She’s a cool graphic designer chick and I dig her blog a lot!

5.  Escape from Obesity – I have been following Lyn’s story since the start of my own story (which isn’t very long).  She is a wealth of information and her journey is true-to-form and raw.  I love it!

6.  Fit to the Finish – Diane is another blogger who I feel I can really relate to.  She lost 150 pounds 12 years ago and has maintained it ever since!

7.  Deliciously Healthy – I just love this blog!  I recently found it courtesy of another blog I read.  I am hooked on it!  Brittany is such a sweetheart and her journey is so beautiful and plainly cool.

8.  Operation: Hot Mother – This blog gives a humorous and true look at weight loss.  I just love reading her latest posts!

9.  Project 365 – I am so inspired by Tiffany’s journey!  She is uplifting and positive and awesome!

10.  Shedding the Fat Suit – I love reading Liz’s blog!  She has delicious recipes and a great sense of humor!

11.  Singing for a smaller me – Zan is fabulous!  I really enjoy reading her blog and I enjoy following her journey!  She is so strong and inspirational!

12.  Smaller fun pants – I love this blog!  Can I just say that?!  This was my first ever weight loss blog read and I fell in lurv at first word.  No but really though… small fun pants?  Genius.

Thanks again to Jaimie and Brittany!   Believe me when I say that… I have enjoyed following your journey immensely and am so glad that we’re in this together!