I’m kind of an e-mail pack rat.

Tonight I decided that I was going to go through all 30,000 e-mails waiting in my inbox.  23,000 of them remained unread (read:  spam).

It amazes me how much my life changed from 2006 to now (yes.  I have e-mails from 2006.  Can you believe it?!).  What is even more apparent:  the number of weight loss sites I have joined, been a part of, and at the very least signed up for.  My quest to lose weight and change my life was laid out right in front of me in a smattering of different weight loss communities.  Sites like Spark People, Calories Plus, and Weight Watchers (a few times before this time)… all wanting the same thing– an active member in moi and all begging me to come back.

I had good intentions with these sites.  I think I hoped against hope that perhaps I could find a community that would magically keep me motivated.  Or rather that some weight loss fairy dust would bounce off of the site-success stories and onto me.

But then… I have always sort of tried to find my self worth in other people.  You may not know this about me, but I am an expert compliment fisherman.

There have been times in my life where I have ranged my commitment to this journey from overly committed to laughingly non-committal.

This time… my commitment has wavered here and there but for the most part, I have been actively trying to keep myself on track.  Thankfully, I have only gained back 6.4 pounds.  And let’s be honest… a gain is never that great.  It doesn’t make us feel good and for me… knowing that I actively sort of sabotaged myself for the last month gives me a different perspective on things.

My Weight Watchers leader has this perspective on losing weight and getting healthy:  “Fail to plan?  Plan to fail.”

So as I sit here tidying up my e-mail, I recognize that e-mail isn’t the only thing that needs tidying.  I need to sit down and have a new plan.  Not just a “kind of” plan.

Today is the day I recommit to myself and tidy up.

Would you look at that?  My inbox is now empty.

P.S.  Just out of curiosity — how many of you Wordpress users have upgraded to the latest 3.0?  I’m kind of dragging my feet on the switch– I have to admit.

You might be wondering where there is exactly.  There — is the bottom of the potato chip bag.  There– is an empty row or two of oreo cookies.  There– is the bottom of an ice cream container.  There — epitomizes every last morsel of cookie, cake, ice cream, candy, potato chip, fast food wrapper and pizza slice.

I firmly believe that we have our addictions because it makes up for something that we don’t have.  For instance, I started binge eating because I felt a lack of control in my young life.  My parents were having problems, we were dirt poor, I was everyone’s maid and the resident babysitter.  This is me, reaching in the past to understand the younger version of me.  The only thing I could control back then was food.  My mom– who had also experienced the life of an overweight young person / teen, tried desperately to control my food intake.  I can still hear that naggy voice say… “Fine.  Eat it.  It’s your problem if you want to end up being as big as a house”.  Of course, I love my mother — but truly I saw her as an adversary back then.  I was Austin Powers to her Dr. Evil.  I realize now (as I did not then), that she was simply trying to teach me something.  She was trying to protect me from repeating her life when she was my age.  It was painful for her and she didn’t want to pass that pain on down to me.  So she did what she could to prevent that from happening.

Have you ever noticed the way you feel when you’re finished eating whatever it is that you’re eating?  For instance, if I have a healthy meal with sensible portions, when i’m done I feel good and satisfied.  However, when I eat something not altogether healthy — potato chips for example, then when I get to the bottom of the bag (oh yes… I have gotten to the bottom of the bag), I feel empty and unfulfilled and… sad.

If I had to write myself a letter today, it would go something like this:

Dear Kellie,

You aren’t going to find what you need in there.  The bottom of the chip bag only brings you misery and a longing for something more.

Yes, you need to love yourself and your body.  But you also need to be realistic.  Being 156 pounds overweight is not healthy.  It’s not even almost healthy.

Don’t kid yourself, girl.  You have the support you need at home.  You have the resources you need.  The next step is to be like a Nike ad and “just do it”.   Because you can do it.  If anyone can do it, you can.

A few words of advice:

~ Stop wondering what you will look like when you get there (it is a ways off and thinking in the future only helps you to become frustrated at where you are).

~ Stop refusing to live life out loud until you reach that magic number.  The number isn’t really magic.  How you feel inside on the way there contains the magic.

~ Stop downplaying your good qualities.  I realize no one likes a braggart but girl you practically hide under a rock when someone compliments you.

~ Start realizing that you are worth it despite your faults.  We ALL are.

Now… get moving.  The couch is starting to have a permanent imprint of your butt.  So not cute.

Love,

Me

I give myself good advice.  I think it’s time I start listening.

I need a pick-me-up.

I feel like i’ve been in this weird place journey-wise. I can’t tell you the last time I was actually enthusiastic about the journey. Or about new foods. I’m grasping at straws a bit here trying desperately to stay seated on the damn horse. What the hell?

In about 3 or 4 weeks, I have gained 10 pounds back. I haven’t been monitoring myself and the whole “core” plan and not counting points? Not working. I am too nonrestrictive and lenient. I don’t write down what I am eating because I don’t need to count points. Except for the bad err non-core food. I figured out that I really do need the discipline of writing and counting.

So i’m here.   Still wanting to lose weight. But want in one hand and *you-know-what* in the other hand and what fills up first?   Obviously not the *want* hand right?   Because the want needs to go further into the *doing something about it* territory.   And I haven’t. Haven’t been doing anything about this, I mean.

I have even dropped off the exercise train.  Yep, regained my certified couch potato badge.

I know this post sounds so flippant but the truth is… I am angry with myself.   And this sort of sarcastic humor — or whatever this is– is the way I am dealing lately.

It’s like one day I woke up and said… “uh… diet? What diet?” And then I use the word diet and it is so… temporary.

I want to get back on the horse.  No… NEED to get back on the horse.  But I feel a little uhm… lost?  Unmotivated?  Sad?

I wanted to write this post for so long but kept feeling guilty.  I kept feeling like I was not only letting myself down… but anyone who reads my blog.  And I know that’s a lot of pressure to put on oneself and i’m probably totally inflating my own sense of purpose and self-worth.  But that’s how I felt.  So I kept denying and kept being SUPER positive until this moment.  Because I can’t be in a world of pretense anymore.  Know what I mean?  I have to be raw and honest.  People probably hate this side of me… but I can’t help it.  I feel like a 1000 weight is lifted off of my shoulders when I am this raw and this honest.

And I realize that I am the only one who can help myself.  But at this moment, I feel lost?  And when I think about getting back on the right path… the thought that enters my mind is…  “Why try?  Life is just going to get in the way again and change just when I get used to a constant way of being.”

Tell me please… has this ever happened to you?   What do you do about it?   How do you regain ground?