I am back from hiatus!  And ready to be FULLY committed to this process.

I have to admit, I have been lying to myself.  I’ve been thinking about this blog a lot and realizing that in some ways, *this* is my accountability.  *This* is my way to stay on track.  This is where I talk about things going on and talk about things that are bothering me and hindering me from weight loss.

But… I feel ashamed.  I feel ashamed that I have veered so drastically from the path.  And I have.  I can’t even deny it.  The truth still remains that I *WANT* to prevail and conquer this weight.  And if want were in pennies, I would be a very rich woman.  Because I have wanted this for a long time.

So, it is time to be honest with myself.

I have lied to myself for years.  Pretending that the food I am eating to gluttony is not killing me, when in fact it is.  My fate started to be sealed with the diagnosis of Sleep Apnea after the birth of my first child.  My fate continues to be sealed with poor circulation and shortness of breath.  Hell, i’ve gained so much weight over the last 5 years that I am having trouble doing simple things…. like tying my shoes.

More honesty:

I don’t go anywhere that I don’t absolutely have to because I don’t want to see people.  I actually walk with my head down now.

I don’t go anywhere with the kids unless it is in an environment where they can’t “run away”, lest I be forced to chase after them.

I have enough self-loathing to fill 10 bathtubs.

I do not believe that I am worth anything.

I have heard people say that they are overweight because they put other people’s needs before their own.  I am here to say, that while I do put other people’s needs before my own; I am obese BECAUSE I am selfish.  When I eat to the point of puking, I am selfish.  I am depriving myself of a life filled with happiness.  I am depriving those who I hold so dear to my heart, the very best of ME.

At some point, one would think that I would have figured out, if the hunger is not satisfied by now… then maybe *FOOD* is not what I need.  Maybe I need some very real and very honest self-reflection.  I need to understand and to recognize that being this obese, takes WORK.  I have been WORKING to destroy myself for a very long time now.

I know now, it is a path of misery that I am on, IF I continue to eat like this….no… *live* like this.

Today.  I am taking my life back.

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