You know that feeling… the one where you know in your gut that times are a changing?  The one that tells you that you are in for a great reveal…. the all-knowing sense that things as they are now, will never be that way again?

Yeah… me too.  And right now, I know i’m on the verge.

I have come to the understanding that I allow my weight to hold me back.  I allow feelings of unworthiness to wash over me.  I dumb myself down and hide the spark that is me… so as not to let people know that I might actually think highly of myself.  Because if you are fat, you’re supposed to dwell in this mud hole of crap…. or so they think.  The sad part is, while I was busy giving away my power and dumbing myself down so that I could be accepted, I actually started to believe that I was worthless and dumb.  It was this horrific cycle I would enter myself into just to be accepted.

I was talking to a friend of mine about this very thing last Friday.  She and I have similar outlooks on things so she understood me.  I mentioned to her that I was trying to change my internal dialog but that it wasn’t easy.  Almost like I have two voices inside of me.  One tells me that I am pretty great and the other tells me that I am worthless.  The voice that speaks louder depends on how I am feeling that day.

The whole picture is that I allow my weight to define me.

I allow my weight to say to the outside world… “Hey.  I’m fat.  Which means, i’m ugly, lazy, depressed and worthless.  AND I can eat a whole chicken dinner by myself because that is what fat people do.”

And the truth is… that is kind of the stereotype.  Or at least the stereotype that I grew up with.  And that most overweight people aren’t fat, lazy, ugly, depressed and probably couldn’t even begin to eat a whole chicken dinner… know what I mean?

But… wait….

I figured out that my weight DOES NOT in fact define ME.  I define me.  And if I choose to live the stereotype, then I chose it and have no one else to blame for it other than myself; the chubby cute gal in the mirror.

And that my friends… is another one of my A-ha! moments.