I have been in a state of overwhelm for the past 3 weeks or so.  Thank God for March.  Because the month of February was extremely difficult to get through journey-wise.

It is hard staying on track during this transition.  I’m not going to lie… this is the hardest I have tried to lose weight in a time that is such upheaval.  To make matters even more difficult, I haven’t lost a pound in three weeks despite my efforts.

I am in a transition.  My semblance of normal has changed.  At the moment we are in limbo where there cannot really be a normal.  We are striving to get to and define what will become the new normal for us.

I can’t be on this journey if I am unwilling to be honest with myself.  Lying to myself, all of the smoke and mirrors just to hold on to the comfort of food is what lead me here.  So, when I started this journey back in December, I promised myself that I would not lie.  I would not fudge or cheat or steal from myself ever again.

And yet, I look at the numbers, and I can’t help but be disappointed. I had thought I would at least be under 300 by now.

I have to be honest and say that I don’t know how not to feel stressed right now.  My husband and kids have been sick since late last week.  I have been taking on the bulk of the packing, organizing and cleaning.  This is in addition to setting up utilities, talking to our landlord, and making arrangements with my son’s new and old schools.  Not to mention my own school work.  Oh and the van crapped out on us this morning and cost $800 to fix.  All of this has happened and we are just a scant few days before closing on the house.

And I *know* that I have not been eating as clean as possible.  In fact, from Thursday of last week to today I have slid backwards.  I. Am. Not. Happy. About. It.  Everyone is on an emotional rollercoaster here.  My husband is mad because he is sick and the kids are upset because they are sick.

Saturday, I worked out at the gym.  I pushed myself as hard as I could.  I noticed that I was more tired and less able to give it my all.  My body wanted to quit on me before I was actually ready to quit.  At the beginning of the week, I felt like I could push my body to new heights and still I was begging for more. But at the end of the week, I was drained — emotionally, physically, and mentally.

I racked up so many exercise points and burned so many calories in the gym, but still… I feel sluggish… tired… and not at all motivated.

What is going on?

Writing this down is kind of embarrassing.  I really want to keep this blog on the positive.  But, I promised myself two things on this journey: 1) honesty  and 2) accountability.

After getting the van fixed, I went grocery shopping and replenished our cupboards with healthy foods.  I am determined to start anew tomorrow.  And I am doing so by pre-planning.  Meals have either been halfway prepared or at the very least a menu has been written down.  Nothing this week will be left up to chance.

There are so many factors out of control right now.  I need to refocus on what I *can* control.

When I did this the first time and lost 70 pounds, I was the only person in my immediate life that I had to worry about.  It was easier.  I could eat the same things day in and day out and be on a very strict schedule for both exercise and food.  I could infuse a constant stream of positive energy into my life and my home and not worry about the emotions of others or any responsibility to anyone other than myself.

This time around, everything is different.  I have to factor in the unexpected and for me… that can be extremely difficult.  I almost have to unthink it.  And just because I try to infuse tons of positivity into my home and into my life, doesn’t mean that everyone will be receptive of it all of the time.  Case in point:  people are sick and miserable in my house right now.  I would have to be made of stone if I said it didn’t affect me.  Of course it affects me.   When my family is sick… I want so much to help them all feel better.

The weight of the world rests upon my shoulders right now and I feel alone with it.  But I am dealing.  Thishere blog is really the only place where I share my thoughts with such raw honesty.

I know that everything is going to be okay.  I am still persevering to the best of my ability and I know that my normal will come back.

But for right now on my journey… on my climb… i’m heading up a hill.

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