Being fat takes up a lot of personal resources
I have to be honest. Until I started this journey, I didn’t have a lot of resources. It was a struggle to get up everyday and get the things done that needed to get done.
Things that are seemingly not a big deal for everyone else to accomplish, were definitely a big deal for me. For example, having a messy house to clean is not a big feat for some. However, for me, it was overwhelming. Going grocery shopping was overwhelming. Picking my son up for school on the days where I would rather hole up inside the house was overwhelming. Being 320 pounds was overwhelming.
The more overwhelmed I got, the more my energy depleted, the more I hated myself, the more depressed I became. I felt incapable and hopeless.
It’s never a good thing when you start to lose hope. It’s never a good thing when you feel in your heart that life will *always* be like this for you.
But then that day came, where I hit the proverbial “rock bottom” and realized that if I didn’t love myself enough to make a fresh start, then I should at the very least love my children enough to do it. And so I did. Initially, my kids were my driving force. When I started to think about giving up, I thought about them. It killed me to think that I may not be here for them in the future because of the poor choices I had made. Because of that, I pushed myself to go the distance.
Something happened along the way and I began to want it for myself. It has been a long time since I have wanted something for myself. It’s a nice feeling actually. For a long time, it seemed I was more than content to sit on the sidelines and watch everyone else succeed and enjoy life. For a long time, I was content on being everyone else’s cute-but-fat cheerleader.
Being fat and depressed took up a lot of my resources. So much so that I used up whatever of the left over resources I had for others. I saved nothing for myself. I didn’t feel like I deserved it. I was fat and I was punishing myself for being fat… for being less-than-perfect in a society that will rip you down to shreds if you aren’t their version of “normal”.
I did not realize then that in punishing myself I was actually continuing the harmful cycle. I thought I deserved to suffer.
Now i’m standing here today and life is like a breath of fresh air! The fog that had been clouding around me for so long finally dissipated and I can see CLEARLY if not for the first time in a long time.
Bobbie mentioned in one of her posts, that her trainer said that we live in a microwave society. It’s SO true! Losing weight, especially when you have 50-100+ pounds to lose, is truly a journey. One that we don’t get to just simply by eating our way there. Food certainly factors in, but it is so much complicated than that. In order to give this your best shot, you have to mentally prepare yourself to get there. You have to save some of those resources for yourself.
In the end, you have to REALIZE that YOU ARE worth it.
And you know what? I am worth it. I am more than worth it.
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Amen Sista! Thanks for the reminder!
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I’m baaaaaaaaaack!
The list was all fake except for one. It was the result of an award that I got earlier this week. The task was to come up with a list of 7 outrageous things with only one being true. The only one that was true was Artist one. I have been commisioned to do art projects in the past.
I am passing the award onto you so I can see your list!
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You are so RIGHT you ARE worth it and deserve to feel better about yourself. Dean will love you for the mention by the way! LOL
But we do live in a microwave society and I’m always fighting that mentality too. It’s getting easier and easier, but it’s still there. You see it on t.v. you know people and they all seem to be able to drop weight so easily and you feel like it’s not happening quick enough for you. (That’s how I feel sometimes.)
So I too have to keep reminding myself it’s a process and a journey and I’m better for it and I’m worth it and I’ll get to where I want to be someday.
I’m so glad you blogged today, I always look forward to your posts!
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Hi Kellie! Thanks for pointing us to Bobbie’s post. I’ve had very quick results and lately, as they should be, they’re starting to slow down (to a completely normal rate, mind you)… You are so right that I have to prepare myself mentally and stop using my quick results to propel me along this journey – it’s a life-style change… NOT a few-month change just until I reach my goal. Thanks for sharing your thoughts! ~ Angie
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You ARE worth it! Good for you to recognize that:) So much of weight struggles are the mental stuff… not the food. We need to conquer both. I think you are well on your way.
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We are all worth the effort it takes to get healthy! I love the transition between your thoughts before and your thoughts now. It’s just a perfect post!
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I want to echo what Diane said, we ARE all worth it. This post is so heart-felt and true; just keep doing what you are doing. I’ll be back to read!
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You’re so right that you’re worth it! Just try to remember that you deserve things not because you’re trying to lose weight, but because you’re intrinsically valuable.
I just know that in the past, if something happened and I stopped losing weight or stopped trying to lose weight, I started to think I was worthless again, and it’s so not true, for any of us!
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Yes it’s a journey. We are all on a journey. Sometimes it’s all so clear, the next day, not so much. Just keep going. Others, like Diane, have made it and you will also if you stay at it. Make good habits and they will sustain you through the tougher times, and there will be plenty of them ahead
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You are so right. It’s amazing how depression/weight can lead to this vicious downward spiral. It is a journey and we’ve just got to fight our way through the valleys.
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