Phase II of my weight loss journey is all about digging deeper and facing my fears, issues and challenging myself to reach new levels.
By nature, I am a planner — a disorganized planner at that. I plan all the live long day and have such good intentions but when it comes down to it I have either overextended myself yet again or wasn’t organized and so the good intentions end up falling apart. And when things don’t go the way I planned? Well, then the control freak in me comes out and everything feels out of control. This is one aspect of my personality that I don’t altogether enjoy. It’s likened to being a super motivated procrastinator. I need to learn to effectively and realistically plan out my day. And I need to learn to say no to new projects when my plate is full. After that? I need to take a chill pill and realize that life doesn’t always go as planned.
It is during those times (when things feel out of control) that the foodie in me comes out like a lion with a full force roar. My mouth waters and itches for something to chew on. I get so agitated and irritated that everything else in my mind stops but the thought of food. The foodie in me is fierce.
You know what I discovered though? I am really not hungry. I am angry. I use the food to put a cap on my anger. Because I don’t like feeling anger. It comes on so strong and makes me feel like a bad person. The anger doesn’t stem from hate… but rather stems from “not getting it right” and “feeling like a failure”. I might be disorganized but whatever I do I put my full heart and attention into. So, when I can’t put my heart and attention into something or when it seems as though I don’t have enough resources to figure something out…. I get angry. I get angry with myself and I end up feeling like a screw-up. So I guess that makes me a disorganized perfectionist. 
But then, that’s where I realize that being a foodie is much like being an alcoholic. I would bet money that a lot of alcoholics have anger and control issues. Lately, I have been saying the serenity prayer (used in AA meetings) whenever I start to get frustrated. There are certain trigger points that I have and I am just now starting to understand what they are. If I can go for a walk or take a time out, then I can head the anger off at the pass before I blow like Mount Vesuvius.
And I have come to realize in all of this that anger does not make me a bad person. Feeling emotions so strongly does not make me irresponsible and flighty…. it simply makes me human.
That is why with all of this comes the notion that the whole journey really is one day at a time and one step at a time. Diane over at Fit to Finish had a really good blog post this morning that talks about the journey taking some time.
Thanks for the mention! My hubby is much like you in his organizational style. I see his frustration and I hear yours through this post!
You hit the nail on the head at the end of your post. It’s okay to feel the emotions, it’s what behaviors we embark on when we experience the emotions that make the difference.
I love how self-aware you are!
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I am also a major organizer, planner, control freak. I don’t do flexible very well. It is interesting how many emotions cause us to eat in response. Interesting and frustrating! I used to sometimes eat first and then suddenly think… ‘oh, I am upset…”
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I was thinking this morning how the advice of “one day at a time” in AA meetings is so true – and applicable to what I’m trying to do more of these days – living in the present.
Great post – and thanks for the kudos and hugs on my blog. I am pretty happy that I’m starting to trust myself too – and that the days of my life being ruled by food will be fewer and fewer.
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Super motivated procrastinator, sounds a whole heck of a lot like me. Like you I plan and plan, and when things don’t go my way get frustrated.
Sounds like you’re thinking things through and learning to recognize hour triggers – that’s great!! Keep on going!
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You are defintitely on the right track here lady!
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