Once upon a time, I could go into any store and find clothes.  I felt healthy.  I felt good about myself.  I felt feminine and attractive and worth it.

In 2002, I made a pact with myself.  I was *going* to lose the weight and get down to a healthy normal size.  My goal weight back then was 150.

I worked hard and ate very little.  I minimized the amount of carbs I took in everyday.  I allowed myself 3 or 4 pieces of whole wheat bread a day.  The rest of my diet consisted of fruit, steamed veggies, egg beaters, low-fat cheese and chicken breast.  For 3 months, I pretty much ate the same thing day in and day out.

I rode my bike 14 miles a day- 5 to 6 days a week (the bike rides lasted an hour a piece).  I woke up at the butt-crack of dawn to stretch, do situps and workout my arms (the routine lasted 20 minutes).

I drank green tea and water by the gallons.  I went to bed around 8:30.  I was disciplined.  I felt strong and in control.

I also isolated myself.  I didn’t have a phone (I didn’t want distractions).  I didn’t have plans with anyone for the first month and a half.  I was very much focused on losing weight.  I managed to lose 65 pounds in one summer.

Then, I met my husband.  Even though I continued to lose, once we got to a comfortable and committed spot, I started losing my quest to become healthy.  I lost site of my 150-pound goal.  I was comfortable at 165.  But then, 165 became 180 and then 185 and finally 190.  A month after we got engaged, I knew that I needed to start losing weight again.  After all, I wanted the perfect wedding day and that included being the perfect size.  And then, a couple of months after the engagement, I found out I was pregnant.  And well… i’m sure you can imagine the rest.

When I was done with my first pregnancy, I lost 50 pounds from delivery to the first month.  At 9 months preggers I weighed 265 pounds.  At my two-week checkup I found out that I lost 38 pounds and weighed in at 227.  My doctor was impressed.  He told me I should have no problem losing the weight.  And I wouldn’t have had problems if I would have persevered and kept going.

Once I went back to work, I was entrenched in the everyday hustle and bustle.  I tried to balance a job I didn’t love and parenting (something I loved dearly!).  I had a lot of new stresses and old stresses.  Instead of looking for a healthy way to combat the stress I allowed it to consume me.  I had a husband and a son so I wasn’t alone.  Who cared how much I weighed?  I felt very much in control (even though control is the last thing I would have ever described me back then, looking at it now).

Why did I gain the weight back when it felt so good to be smaller?

I think it’s because I didn’t do my homework.  When I did all of this the first time, all I had was time to myself.  I didn’t have much stress because I didn’t have a lot going on in my life.  I needed something to do with all of that time… so I spent it working on myself.  As the pounds fell off, I felt lighter in many ways.  I had more of myself to give to others.  I had more energy and more drive.  My thinking was so clear.

My goal at that time should have been to figure out who I was and what I wanted out of life.  I didn’t do that.  I didn’t take the time to enjoy just being young and single.  I wanted a husband.  I wanted a family.   Because those are things that were familiar and comfortable to me.  I came from a close family and parents who loved one another deeply.  I wanted that for myself.  And I knew that losing weight and becoming physically appealing was the only way to ensure that I wouldn’t be alone.

If I had done my homework and dug deep back then…. if I would have made peace with myself, then I believe I would be in a different place today (physically and mentally).

So that is why this time is different.  This time, I am doing my homework.  I am digging deeper than I thought I could.  I have a hunger for challenge and success.  I will not give up until I reach my goal weight this time.  I WILL know what 150 pounds feels like.

I would like to thank Tony @ the Anti-Jared for his insightful post this morning.  It really made me think about why I gained all of my weight back the first time and what it is that I can do differently to ensure that doesn’t happen this time.