You might be wondering where there is exactly.  There — is the bottom of the potato chip bag.  There– is an empty row or two of oreo cookies.  There– is the bottom of an ice cream container.  There — epitomizes every last morsel of cookie, cake, ice cream, candy, potato chip, fast food wrapper and pizza slice.

I firmly believe that we have our addictions because it makes up for something that we don’t have.  For instance, I started binge eating because I felt a lack of control in my young life.  My parents were having problems, we were dirt poor, I was everyone’s maid and the resident babysitter.  This is me, reaching in the past to understand the younger version of me.  The only thing I could control back then was food.  My mom– who had also experienced the life of an overweight young person / teen, tried desperately to control my food intake.  I can still hear that naggy voice say… “Fine.  Eat it.  It’s your problem if you want to end up being as big as a house”.  Of course, I love my mother — but truly I saw her as an adversary back then.  I was Austin Powers to her Dr. Evil.  I realize now (as I did not then), that she was simply trying to teach me something.  She was trying to protect me from repeating her life when she was my age.  It was painful for her and she didn’t want to pass that pain on down to me.  So she did what she could to prevent that from happening.

Have you ever noticed the way you feel when you’re finished eating whatever it is that you’re eating?  For instance, if I have a healthy meal with sensible portions, when i’m done I feel good and satisfied.  However, when I eat something not altogether healthy — potato chips for example, then when I get to the bottom of the bag (oh yes… I have gotten to the bottom of the bag), I feel empty and unfulfilled and… sad.

If I had to write myself a letter today, it would go something like this:

Dear Kellie,

You aren’t going to find what you need in there.  The bottom of the chip bag only brings you misery and a longing for something more.

Yes, you need to love yourself and your body.  But you also need to be realistic.  Being 156 pounds overweight is not healthy.  It’s not even almost healthy.

Don’t kid yourself, girl.  You have the support you need at home.  You have the resources you need.  The next step is to be like a Nike ad and “just do it”.   Because you can do it.  If anyone can do it, you can.

A few words of advice:

~ Stop wondering what you will look like when you get there (it is a ways off and thinking in the future only helps you to become frustrated at where you are).

~ Stop refusing to live life out loud until you reach that magic number.  The number isn’t really magic.  How you feel inside on the way there contains the magic.

~ Stop downplaying your good qualities.  I realize no one likes a braggart but girl you practically hide under a rock when someone compliments you.

~ Start realizing that you are worth it despite your faults.  We ALL are.

Now… get moving.  The couch is starting to have a permanent imprint of your butt.  So not cute.

Love,

Me

I give myself good advice.  I think it’s time I start listening.