Archive for the ‘A-ha! Moments’ Category

Obesity is a gateway disease in the way that it opens the door to other diseases. The first time I realized that obesity was a gateway disease was back when I was diagnosed with sleep apnea. At 25 years old I found that I had frequent *choking* dreams, would snore louder than a freight train, had trouble deep-sleeping, and would wake up with massive migraines. Of course all of this would cause me to be drastically tired all day long. I remember taking full days off from work because I felt so drained of energy. Back then, I would be able to sleep all day long and then also sleep all night long. I knew that something was wrong. Sure, I was overweight, but why was I so chronically tired?

When I first approached my doctor about being tired all of the time, it was about 8 months after I had my first child. At the time, he chalked it up to me being a new parent and the baby not quite sleeping through the night. When Owen was 18 months old, I couldn’t take it anymore. Not only was I tired all of the time, I had started to fall into a deep depression and I found that I couldn’t concentrate on even the simplest of tasks. I felt sick… but yet not sick in a traditional sense. Know what I mean? So, I made an appointment with my doctor and described my symptoms. He set up an appointment with a sleep-doctor (I can’t remember the technical term for this particular area of medicine so bear with me).

The first time I went in for my sleep study, they hooked me up to all kinds of monitors and wires. I had to sleep on my left side, my right side, my back and my stomach so that they could get an accurate reading. I remember being wakened by the nurse to position myself accordingly. It was a rough night. I got less sleep than usual.

I went to see the sleep-doctor to discuss the results. I stopped breathing 10 times an hour or once every 6 minutes. This was not something surgery could correct. So, I got a CPAP machine. It helped me sleep much better. At first it felt obtrusive and I would wake up in the middle of the night to take my mask off (sometimes I would do it and not even remember doing it). But soon, it got to where I was used to it.

This was the first time that I realized that obesity was a gateway disease. Even though in the back of my mind I *knew* that being 250 pounds was what caused my sleep apnea, something in the back of my mind was relieved to have a solution to that particular problem. The right solution would have been to use the CPAP machine as a temporary solution and then weight-loss as the long term solution. Looking back, I couldn’t tell you why I didn’t think that way. I can’t tell you why, once I got my energy back I continued to live like I was sick. Maybe it’s because I became pregnant shortly after the diagnosis? Maybe it’s because my doctor told me I would lose the weight once I solved the sleep issues? All I know, is that I continued to use my weight, my CPAP machine, and my pregnancies as a crutch.

Obesity is both a disease and an addiction. It’s not just a case of eating too much and not exercising enough. If you have a food-addiction, then you know what I mean. And the sad thing is, obesity is the cause of other diseases and disorders: fatty liver disease, sleep apnea, depression, diabetes, stroke, heart disease, edema… the list goes on and on.

I finally realized this year… (don’t ask me why it took so long for the light bulb to click on) that there is so much more at stake here than just being fat. There is so much more at stake than just not being able to fit in normal-sized clothes or even more at stake than being able to just buy 1 ticket for one seat to ride on a plane.

So… that is my realization post for the day.

When did you realize that this journey is about more than your weight?

It was simply amazing.

I rode on the trail yesterday for the first time in ages.  Before that, I was just riding my bike around the neighborhood.  But nothing competes with riding on the bike trail for me.  In the mornings the trail is near empty save for a few runners, older people walking their dogs and some die-hard cyclists.  I had my workout playlist going, got the kids in the trailer and off I went.

I rode 6.4 miles.  I felt so accomplished!  My thighs and legs got quite a workout!  By the time November comes, I will be completely ready to compete in the bike race!  I am SO excited! 

I have started to realize that some of the inner struggle I have experienced comes from aligning myself to my age… or “coming into my own”, if you will.  For awhile now, I have felt like a girl on the verge.  On the verge of breaking through barriers and becoming a better version of me.  It’s weird but I feel nothing but hope and happiness at this junction (despite any struggles I have experienced or might experience in the future).  For me, this journey isn’t truly a journey without the exercise.  I figured out that exercise was what had been missing from my equation four weeks ago.

You see, after the move, I didn’t get a lot of exercise outside because I was getting things ready on the inside. Though I wasn’t writing it down, I tried to be as conscious as I could of my eating and food choices.  Still, something inside of me felt like it was going to burst.  Do you know that feeling?

I know it seems there has been some negativity here… but in reality, i’m just trying to figure it all out.  You see, during phase I, I had a great thing going!  But I knew that routine wouldn’t last because eventually we would be moving.  And then when we moved, I felt a little lost and unsure as to how to develop a new routine.  NOW… I have developed a new routine and it is much more flexible and fitting to my life.  In the spring and summer months, I plan on getting outside everyday and working out (on the trail or just walking around the neighborhood) for at least 30 minutes to an hour.  Once i’m done with my classes for the summer, i’ll be able to bump it up for an hour or more.

I feel like i’m on the right track and for the first time in a month I am not second-guessing my choices!  It is an amazing feeling!

How are you doing on your journey?  Did you reach any rough patches?  How are you doing now?

Phase II of my weight loss journey is all about digging deeper and facing my fears, issues and challenging myself to reach new levels.

By nature, I am a planner — a disorganized planner at that. I plan all the live long day and have such good intentions but when it comes down to it I have either overextended myself yet again or wasn’t organized and so the good intentions end up falling apart. And when things don’t go the way I planned? Well, then the control freak in me comes out and everything feels out of control. This is one aspect of my personality that I don’t altogether enjoy. It’s likened to being a super motivated procrastinator. I need to learn to effectively and realistically plan out my day. And I need to learn to say no to new projects when my plate is full. After that? I need to take a chill pill and realize that life doesn’t always go as planned.

It is during those times (when things feel out of control) that the foodie in me comes out like a lion with a full force roar. My mouth waters and itches for something to chew on. I get so agitated and irritated that everything else in my mind stops but the thought of food. The foodie in me is fierce.

You know what I discovered though? I am really not hungry. I am angry. I use the food to put a cap on my anger. Because I don’t like feeling anger. It comes on so strong and makes me feel like a bad person. The anger doesn’t stem from hate… but rather stems from “not getting it right” and “feeling like a failure”. I might be disorganized but whatever I do I put my full heart and attention into. So, when I can’t put my heart and attention into something or when it seems as though I don’t have enough resources to figure something out…. I get angry. I get angry with myself and I end up feeling like a screw-up. So I guess that makes me a disorganized perfectionist.

But then, that’s where I realize that being a foodie is much like being an alcoholic. I would bet money that a lot of alcoholics have anger and control issues. Lately, I have been saying the serenity prayer (used in AA meetings) whenever I start to get frustrated. There are certain trigger points that I have and I am just now starting to understand what they are. If I can go for a walk or take a time out, then I can head the anger off at the pass before I blow like Mount Vesuvius.

And I have come to realize in all of this that anger does not make me a bad person. Feeling emotions so strongly does not make me irresponsible and flighty…. it simply makes me human.

That is why with all of this comes the notion that the whole journey really is one day at a time and one step at a time. Diane over at Fit to Finish had a really good blog post this morning that talks about the journey taking some time.