Archive for the ‘A-ha! Moments’ Category

This subject has actually been brought up in my comments (and probably also on their blogs) by Bobbie at Anonymous Fat Girl and Tiffany at Project 365; and that is the notion that weight loss is often thought of as an “all or nothing” process.

The truth is, having an “all or nothing at all” attitude to weight loss is very counter productive because it is laced with fear undertones.  That kind of outlook is almost diet-wrecking.

I say this, because in my own repeated weight loss attempts over the last 3 years, I very much had an “all or nothing” ‘tude about the journey.  Thus, each journey ended up being short-lived and not fulfilling.  Why?  Well, for starters, everytime I had a *weak* moment or a moment where I ate something that wasn’t on program, I would use it as an excuse to continue to veer off program.  So instead of one *not so great choice* for the day, I had a string of not-so-great choices for that single day.  But my attitude back then was …. “Oh well.  There’s always tomorrow.  Tomorrow will be a better day.”  Yet, tomorrow would come and it was rarely a good day.  I just kept the cycle up of veering off of a healthy track.  So much so, that after awhile I lost my focus, drive and I couldn’t really remember why I wanted to lose weight other than to *look better*.

I am here to say that there is such a thing as making a bad situation worse.

I hear the term “falling off the wagon” quite a bit when it comes to weight loss.  I have to say that I have changed that saying for myself to “falling on the wagon”.  Because no journey is perfect.  And sometimes, we *are* going to make missteps and eat things we didn’t plan to eat or there will be times where we can’t or don’t get the exercise we set out to get.  But instead of making that situation worse, we can simply hold ourselves accountable for the present choice and then thereafter, make amends with ourselves by making good choices.  And if we do that, then we didn’t fall OFF of the wagon, we fell ON the wagon.  Which means, we’re still committed to ourselves.  We’re still committed to this journey.

I think Diane from Fit to the Finish is the greatest example of this.  She lost over 150 pounds and managed to keep it off for 12 years!  Not only does she do a great job of recounting her experiences, successes and failures, but she also brings to the table the kind of wisdom that one would only get from *having been there*.  “Are You Prepared for the Long Journey“ is one of my very favorite posts because she tells it like it is.  Losing weight is full of peaks and valleys!

Having an “all or nothing at all” attitude is not just about fear but it also involves guilt.  So if we have that “all or nothing attitude”, then when we do make a choice that is not on program or on the path, then we feel guilty.  And so we jump off the wagon and continue to punish ourselves by saying… “Screw the diet.  Who cares.  I already f*d up.  I might as well keep doing it.  Nothing will ever change.”

So for me, the biggest thing that has changed is my attitude toward this journey.  Because I realize that in order for me to stay on it and to stay with it, then I need to allow myself to fall on the wagon every once in awhile.  And falling on the wagon does not mean that I have veered from my journey.  Because I can make amends.  I can choose not to make a bad situation worse or make a moment of weakness define my whole day/week/month/year.  This is my life and I make the rules.

So the slogan for the day is:  This is YOUR life, YOUR journey and YOU make the rules.

The past 5 weeks have been great!

I have been writing down every step of this journey.  I record my workouts, my food and my thoughts.  I have three separate tools that I use to do that with (though in reality I probably only need one of those tools).  I record my workouts on Weight Watchers.com, my food is recorded in my 3-month journal and my blog holds my thoughts.

I don’t think I have written so much in all of my life!  Generally, I really like to write.  However, aside from the massive amounts of papers I am expected to write for my classes, I wasn’t writing for the sheer pleasure of it.  Until this blog of course.

I marvel at how much this journey has brought into my life so far.  I find that I am thankful for all of the little blessings that have happened throughout all of this.

I feel like I am getting my groove back.  Challenges no longer seem insurmountable but are more or less, fun problems to solve.  My attitude is getting better and on a whole I just feel so much happier and satisfied with life.  I am far from goal but I no longer avoid looking at myself in the mirror.  I even take those mirror moments to smile at my reflection.

Many feelings have been pouring out of me since I started this.  Instead of eating them away, I have been dealing with them and acknowledging them.  Most importantly I have been able to make sense of things in a way that I never thought I could.

What I have discovered so far is that I am a good person.  I have a good heart and I am definitely worth knowing and loving.  I have a lot to say, i’m intelligent and definitely worth listening to.

Before, it was hard for me to own up to all of this.  I felt that I was around to help and inspire other people but never myself.  Emotionally, I put myself on the back burner.  I always heard other people say that they didn’t feel like they were worth it until they lost weight.  For me, that seemed mind boggling.  I would even say to myself… “well of course i’m worth it!”    Even though I said it.  Inside, I didn’t really believe it.  There was always a seed of doubt with my self-worth.  And, I always did or said things to receive validation from others.  Because in the grand scheme of things even I didn’t think I was enough.

As cliche as it may sound, now I believe that I am worth it.  I am at a point where I want to be me.  I don’t yearn to be anyone else.  I don’t beg for compliments or put myself out there in search of validation.

I am enough.  I matter.

When I started writing this post, I used my Bell internet device.  It’s a plug-and-play USB device that allows you to put a sim card from your cell phone in and use the internet virtually anywhere!   Having said that… I wrote some of this post parked at the beach (too cold to swim…however, the frozen waves are still inspiring!)

Yesterday’s pity party for one was canceled on account of sunshine.  I admit, I was singing the blues for a moment there.  Thankfully my naturally optimistic and sunny personality perked right back up again.  The remedy?  I took the kids for a ride in the car.  Cranked my buzz ballads CD way up (I love alternative music) and rocked out to Semi-Charmed Life by Eve 6.  It kind of makes me giggle a bit when my 2 year old starts belting out “Lightening Crashes” by Live.  And yeah… my kids breakout in song everywhere.  We’ll be in the middle of a grocery store and out of the blue the other shoppers are treated to my kids’ rendition of  Twinkle Twinkle Little Star or yes… even “Lightening Crashes” by Live.

Anyway, with my mental space back in a good place, I *almost* came back on my blog to write something overwhelmingly positive.  It’s kind of like I wanted to blot out the negativity.  That’s the kind of thinking I have been engaged in for years though.  I would take a bad moment and devalue those feelings of mine.  Inside I would call myself silly and stupid and selfish.  But you know what?  Those feelings I had yesterday were valid.  And I can’t continue to numb myself.  That’s what I have been doing for years.  Striving to make everything on the outside look as sunny as possible even if I was in pain on the inside.  I wouldn’t allow myself to give validity to those feelings.  And since I didn’t allow myself that, I ate away the pain to continue to keep the feelings stuffed down to a more comfortable level.

So, I acknowledged that I had those feelings.  I acknowledged that for a moment I was kind of sad.  What’s more, I allowed myself to be okay with it.

Does that mean I dwell?  Nope.  Not even a little.  It means that I had a down moment and I dealt with it without punishing myself for it (i.e. wrecking my diet, not working out, etc.).  And now, I have moved on.  Because moving on and moving forward is exactly the needed remedy.  If I try to ignore it, it won’t go away.  A problem that starts out as a whisper is soon a screaming, yelling maniac if ignored.  So I acknowledged it, dealt with it and moved on from it.  I didn’t even wreck my diet or my day.

Tiny steps.  That is what this whole thing is comprised of.  Because I am a firm believer that no one gets it right all of the time.  I know I haven’t.  But we continue and persevere and try.  Tiny steps.

I envision this journey to better health to be like biking up a hill.  The first part of it is tough.  It’s steep, a rhythm hasn’t been established yet and it’s hard work.  But then, mid-hill stuff gets a little easier.  If we come across an obstacle, our body and mind is in a good place to overcome it.  We switch gears if we need to.  Getting to the top of the hill is not when we hit goal but rather it is when we get to a point where we have overcome most of our demons and are now seasoned vets at keeping ourselves inline.

Going down the hill on the last leg of the journey is easy.  We are prepared and we move at lightening speed.  At least, that’s how I picture it.

Each part of the journey, each tiny step we take leads to results.  And we need to acknowledge the results even if they do not come in the form of a good number on the scale.  Know what I mean?

What victories did you have this week?