Aside from the hypothyroidism and breakouts (currently looking for a good blackhead treatment.), I found out that I am anemic. Boy oh boy. When I found this out today, I wanted to cry. I wanted to scream at myself and shake my fists and run around every block imaginable until I passed out from exhaustion. After all… who is to blame for this? Me. My body is protesting y’all.

So… I sat down and took inventory of life as I know it right now… and life as I knew it 5 or 6 months ago. I know that I have changed. I know that my attitude has changed. But why? I don’t look at medical conditions a viable excuse for me. Because, I have to work around that. I can’t just let that be my personal truth and give up. Know what I mean?

And then… I watched The Biggest Loser. Elizabeth from the black team had a revelation this week. And the revelation was surviving versus thriving. She pointed out that her whole life had been about surviving. She survived abusive relationships, overbearing parents and siblings and always feeling sheltered. She said that she fought everyday to survive. Jillian pointed out that surviving was not fighting; thriving is fighting. (man, I heart Jillian! She kicks so much ass!)

And I recognized in that moment that “surviving” is exactly what I had been doing myself. I wasn’t fighting. I did just enough to get through each day. I know… that doing “just enough” was not enough / is not enough.

(note: I lost 5 pounds this week. I think the medicine is working! WOOHOO! )

I read an insanely riveting post by Bobbie over at Anonymous Fat Girl and I came to this conclusion about obesity from her post: obesity steals. Obesity steals from us. It robs us of self-respect and dignity. It robs us of fluid movement and “feeling good” about ourselves. Human beings are meant to move. Our bodies are built to run, jump and play. Yet… being obese doesn’t allow for that.

When I think about my own struggles with obesity… I think of how I allowed myself to get this big. I self-medicated with food. I abused it. And as a result, I lived everyday in punishment of that abuse. Every overindulgence left me physically full but feeling empty. The truth is… I could blame it on processed foods, white sugar, high fructose corn syrup and fast food moguls. It is true that those things are made readily available. But in reality… it all boils down to choice. Fresh veggies, fruits, lean meats and unprocessed foods were always available and affordable. I just chose differently.

I was cleaning out the van the other day and found an old McDonald’s french fry completely intact. In fact, so intact that it appeared fresh and unblemished. There’s something wrong with food if it doesn’t naturally decompose as food is supposed to. And I think to myself…. “I was putting THIS in my body? I was allowing my children to eat THIS?”

Somehow the light bulb continues to get brighter and brighter as I discover all of the ways I was ruining my body with food. My body is a temple… and I had been treating it like a brothel. That’s what obesity does. That is the face of obesity.

So tell me… what has obesity stolen from you?

PS I really encourage those of you who visit my blog to head on over to Bobbie’s blog: Anonymous Fat Girl. She is a wealth of inspiration! When I find myself needing to add more fuel to my fire in the fight against obesity… I go over there and read her blog.

I had a plan at the beginning of summer. As soon as classes ended, my plan was to bike ride like mad everyday and eat *only* grilled veggies, lean meats (also grilled), whole grains, and fruits.

What I found out?

1) Too hot to exercise outside and too many bugs. My comfort-loving self preferred to stay indoors unmarked by mosquito bites.
2) Grilled foods taste great with delectable little sauces that are high in fat, calories and sugar. Don’t ya know?
3) Did I mention the heat? I spent most of my summer feeling absolutely famished after a day out doors. Sweaty wasn’t a good look on me.
4) Daylight Savings time baby! Who can go to bed at a normal time when it’s still light out by 9-10 in the evening? Good thing I don’t live in Alaska. Even though *I* went to bed late… the kids got up with the chickens. Making me — one tired momma.
5) Vacations. Who wants to diet on vacation?

What I should have done:

1) Got out and exercised first thing in the morning or in the early evening. And invested in some good insect repellent. I wouldn’t have been as hot and the bugs would stay away with the insect spray!
2) Found low-fat / low-calorie recipes for sauces if I absolutely had to have them OR left them off the menu and enjoyed the natural taste of grilled food.
3) Kept myself well-hydrated. Keeping yourself well-hydrated makes you feel less-tired and helps control your body’s temperature better.
4) Went to bed at a decent time. Just because it is daylight savings time — doesn’t mean that I need to be a night owl. I could have bought a sleep mask or darker curtains for the bedroom if need-be. Getting 8 hours of sleep leaves us feeling refreshed and ready to take on the day!
5) Vacation is a good time to try new things. But those things should be “in moderation”. Even though a vacation is vastly unplanned (at least mine are), it is always good to stock up on snacks. It is also a good idea to plan meals or scout out restaurant menus with healthy options and plan what you will eat ahead of time.

The summer is not over yet! We still have time to turn our summer excuses in for summer solutions!

And changes? MANY. I think one of my issues in regards to losing weight and keeping it off in the past, is that I didn’t make peace with myself. You see, my world is sometimes very black and white, yes or no, right or wrong. I tried for so long to appear perfect. Maybe I tried so hard to be perfect because I knew that I wasn’t perfect. And my weight was a visual reminder of my imperfection and failures. So I would punish myself with food… yet food was what I used to pacify myself with also. A very vicious cycle.

One thing that has changed tremendously is that I speak up. I am very assertive now. I was not assertive before. I was always so afraid of being labeled a *bitch* or *pushy* and even *disrespectful* or *rude*. So I balled all of my wants, needs and feelings up inside and took on the task of taking care of others and putting their needs before my own. Sometimes I think I thought of it as a noble sacrifice. An act of martyrdom if you will. But really… what was I gaining from all of this? I remember so many times… biting back my feelings… agreeing just to be accepted and then later feeling put out or resentful because I did what others wanted me to do rather than what I wanted to do. I remember feeling drained because it seemed that people always wanted something from me. I remember casting aside boundaries that I should have rightfully put up but didn’t because I didn’t want to be rejected.

I remember dumbing myself down so as not to appear threatening to other people so that I could be accepted. The ironic thing is… while I was certainly accepted, I was made fun of and put down. I was the class clown and not respected at all. But THIS is how I taught people to treat me. And yet… I didn’t think of it like that at the time. I thought I was making friends. But in reality… I was making an ass of myself in the name of acceptance.

Now… I set boundaries (and gladly so). I share what I am thinking whether those thoughts might be deemed rude, pushy, etc. I am truthful but tactful. I am still bubbly, funny, friendly and willing to help anyone. I suppose I have just found my voice and am letting it be heard.

I am becoming the person I have always wanted to be. It is extraordinary and freeing.

What personality changes have you noticed within yourself since you have been on this journey?

I have always firmly believed that when we truly put our best foot forward in life, we feel happy and accomplished. This philosophy applies to weight loss as well. When we are taking care of the thing that bothers us most about our life… health…money… etc. we get to take giant steps forward to get to where we want to be and need to be.

When I take care of myself, I feel happy. I feel accomplished. I feel good about *me*.

If you have a longer journey (100+ pounds to lose or more), then you have figured out that it takes awhile before you visually reap the benefits of getting healthy. That’s why it is so crucial to focus on how you feel. Ask yourself this: When you get a workout in do you feel accomplished and happier? When you make healthy food choices do you feel that you have gained some of your power back?

There have been a few points in my own life where I felt powerless around food. I would self-sabotage in the name of pacification and before I knew it, I would be staring down at the silver lining of an empty chip bag (kind of ironic how a silver-lining isn’t always a good thing. heh.). There was a time when I would purposely order more food than I could eat from a favorite pizza place and manage to eat all of it (even though I started to feel sick somewhere in the middle of eating all of that food). I enjoyed eating alone because then I wouldn’t have to face up to uncomfortable looks or the off-chance of a snide comment. I also enjoyed eating alone because then I didn’t have to hide how much I ate.

I have started to mentally talk to myself when I feel discouraged. Mental pep-talks seem to help a lot! In a frustrated moment I ask myself… “How can I see this differently?” and “When I look back on this later… what is it about this moment that I want to remember? That I gave up on myself or that I pushed through the feelings?”

Revel in the feeling that you are doing something about your weight issues. Whether you have taken the first step or are on the 50th step in your journey…remember that you are doing something about this. You may not be where you want to be yet. But you are doing it.

When I first approached my doctor about being tired all of the time, it was about 8 months after I had my first child. At the time, he chalked it up to me being a new parent and the baby not quite sleeping through the night. When Owen was 18 months old, I couldn’t take it anymore. Not only was I tired all of the time, I had started to fall into a deep depression and I found that I couldn’t concentrate on even the simplest of tasks. I felt sick… but yet not sick in a traditional sense. Know what I mean? So, I made an appointment with my doctor and described my symptoms. He set up an appointment with a sleep-doctor (I can’t remember the technical term for this particular area of medicine so bear with me).

The first time I went in for my sleep study, they hooked me up to all kinds of monitors and wires. I had to sleep on my left side, my right side, my back and my stomach so that they could get an accurate reading. I remember being wakened by the nurse to position myself accordingly. It was a rough night. I got less sleep than usual.

I went to see the sleep-doctor to discuss the results. I stopped breathing 10 times an hour or once every 6 minutes. This was not something surgery could correct. So, I got a CPAP machine. It helped me sleep much better. At first it felt obtrusive and I would wake up in the middle of the night to take my mask off (sometimes I would do it and not even remember doing it). But soon, it got to where I was used to it.

This was the first time that I realized that obesity was a gateway disease. Even though in the back of my mind I *knew* that being 250 pounds was what caused my sleep apnea, something in the back of my mind was relieved to have a solution to that particular problem. The right solution would have been to use the CPAP machine as a temporary solution and then weight-loss as the long term solution. Looking back, I couldn’t tell you why I didn’t think that way. I can’t tell you why, once I got my energy back I continued to live like I was sick. Maybe it’s because I became pregnant shortly after the diagnosis? Maybe it’s because my doctor told me I would lose the weight once I solved the sleep issues? All I know, is that I continued to use my weight, my CPAP machine, and my pregnancies as a crutch.

Obesity is both a disease and an addiction. It’s not just a case of eating too much and not exercising enough. If you have a food-addiction, then you know what I mean. And the sad thing is, obesity is the cause of other diseases and disorders: fatty liver disease, sleep apnea, depression, diabetes, stroke, heart disease, edema… the list goes on and on.

I finally realized this year… (don’t ask me why it took so long for the light bulb to click on) that there is so much more at stake here than just being fat. There is so much more at stake than just not being able to fit in normal-sized clothes or even more at stake than being able to just buy 1 ticket for one seat to ride on a plane.

So… that is my realization post for the day.

When did you realize that this journey is about more than your weight?

I did go on my bike ride yesterday as I said I would.  Hubs watched the kids and I went by myself.  I was able to kick out 7.2 miles (1 mile more than I did yesterday).  It was refreshing!  Although, I didn’t really think about anything.  I just let my mind wander and really got into my music.  It was good to be able to go into my own little world.

So this leads me to a couple of questions to any of my fellow moms who may read this:

Do you experience mommy guilt?  If so, how have you been able to get over it for the sake of your journey?

Let me ‘splain.  You see, I am a stay-at-home mom.  I spend 24 hours a day and 365 days a year of my existence with my kids.  I love my kids.  They are my world.  However, I go through phases of mommy-burn-out.  Usually this happens when the mommy-guilt comes on and as a result I stop taking care of myself because I think I am taking something away from my kids by doing so.  (I know what you are thinking…. that’s a good example of Stinkin’ Thinkin’, right?)

The thing is… I am getting over it.  It is not easy to get over (the guilt that is) but at the end of the day I recognize that I need to take care of myself.  If momma ain’t happy ain’t nobody happy.  Know what I mean?  And besides, taking care of myself isn’t selfish.  NOT taking care of myself is very selfish.  But taking care of me is as essential to my family’s daily routine as taking care of them is.

And I see the benefit of this new lifestyle, not only for myself but for my family.  Owen (my oldest), is making very good distinctions between what is healthy and what isn’t.  A few months ago, he might have complained that I only packed him an apple for a snack (instead of some crunchy, sugary stuff with a character on the front of the package).  Now, he is excited about it.

The same thing with exercise.  I was a card-carrying couch potato at one point.  My kids had all of this energy and nowhere to put it because *I* was too tired to do fun things with them.  If I couldn’t fence them in (so that I didn’t have to get up, naturally) then I didn’t want any part of the activity.  Now, we go places. We go for walks, bike rides and to the park.  I want to be as active as possible.

Knowing that I am including my family in this is refreshing and makes me happy.  Including them as much as I can (but not so much that I can’t concentrate on myself when I need to) is the sword that cuts the guilt.  We all need to preserve ourselves sometimes and that is OK.

My AHA! Moment of the day:  I always thought that if I did for myself and not for others then that would make me a bad person.  But I realize that I need to do for myself otherwise I won’t be good for others.  And that I am a good person regardless.

Now tell me… do you have any weird tales about your scale?  How do you get over your mommy guilt?

I rode on the trail yesterday for the first time in ages.  Before that, I was just riding my bike around the neighborhood.  But nothing competes with riding on the bike trail for me.  In the mornings the trail is near empty save for a few runners, older people walking their dogs and some die-hard cyclists.  I had my workout playlist going, got the kids in the trailer and off I went.

I rode 6.4 miles.  I felt so accomplished!  My thighs and legs got quite a workout!  By the time November comes, I will be completely ready to compete in the bike race!  I am SO excited! 

I have started to realize that some of the inner struggle I have experienced comes from aligning myself to my age… or “coming into my own”, if you will.  For awhile now, I have felt like a girl on the verge.  On the verge of breaking through barriers and becoming a better version of me.  It’s weird but I feel nothing but hope and happiness at this junction (despite any struggles I have experienced or might experience in the future).  For me, this journey isn’t truly a journey without the exercise.  I figured out that exercise was what had been missing from my equation four weeks ago.

You see, after the move, I didn’t get a lot of exercise outside because I was getting things ready on the inside. Though I wasn’t writing it down, I tried to be as conscious as I could of my eating and food choices.  Still, something inside of me felt like it was going to burst.  Do you know that feeling?

I know it seems there has been some negativity here… but in reality, i’m just trying to figure it all out.  You see, during phase I, I had a great thing going!  But I knew that routine wouldn’t last because eventually we would be moving.  And then when we moved, I felt a little lost and unsure as to how to develop a new routine.  NOW… I have developed a new routine and it is much more flexible and fitting to my life.  In the spring and summer months, I plan on getting outside everyday and working out (on the trail or just walking around the neighborhood) for at least 30 minutes to an hour.  Once i’m done with my classes for the summer, i’ll be able to bump it up for an hour or more.

I feel like i’m on the right track and for the first time in a month I am not second-guessing my choices!  It is an amazing feeling!

How are you doing on your journey?  Did you reach any rough patches?  How are you doing now?

By nature, I am a planner — a disorganized planner at that. I plan all the live long day and have such good intentions but when it comes down to it I have either overextended myself yet again or wasn’t organized and so the good intentions end up falling apart. And when things don’t go the way I planned? Well, then the control freak in me comes out and everything feels out of control. This is one aspect of my personality that I don’t altogether enjoy. It’s likened to being a super motivated procrastinator. I need to learn to effectively and realistically plan out my day. And I need to learn to say no to new projects when my plate is full. After that? I need to take a chill pill and realize that life doesn’t always go as planned.

It is during those times (when things feel out of control) that the foodie in me comes out like a lion with a full force roar. My mouth waters and itches for something to chew on. I get so agitated and irritated that everything else in my mind stops but the thought of food. The foodie in me is fierce.

You know what I discovered though? I am really not hungry. I am angry. I use the food to put a cap on my anger. Because I don’t like feeling anger. It comes on so strong and makes me feel like a bad person. The anger doesn’t stem from hate… but rather stems from “not getting it right” and “feeling like a failure”. I might be disorganized but whatever I do I put my full heart and attention into. So, when I can’t put my heart and attention into something or when it seems as though I don’t have enough resources to figure something out…. I get angry. I get angry with myself and I end up feeling like a screw-up. So I guess that makes me a disorganized perfectionist.

But then, that’s where I realize that being a foodie is much like being an alcoholic. I would bet money that a lot of alcoholics have anger and control issues. Lately, I have been saying the serenity prayer (used in AA meetings) whenever I start to get frustrated. There are certain trigger points that I have and I am just now starting to understand what they are. If I can go for a walk or take a time out, then I can head the anger off at the pass before I blow like Mount Vesuvius.

And I have come to realize in all of this that anger does not make me a bad person. Feeling emotions so strongly does not make me irresponsible and flighty…. it simply makes me human.

That is why with all of this comes the notion that the whole journey really is one day at a time and one step at a time. Diane over at Fit to Finish had a really good blog post this morning that talks about the journey taking some time.

I feel strongly that I needed to re-evaluate the program I am on.  Or at least, the way I am going about it.

I have found that the routine that I previously had–  worked at the old house does not work here.  I have tried to incorporate it in its entirety but found that it isn’t working the way it was before.  My daily routine has changed leaps and bounds.

So, I am taking a moment of pause to figure out the angle I should come at my journey now.  With such beautiful weather outside, I feel unbound and will take complete advantage of it!

I can officially say that I have ended phase I (of a many phase journey).  I lost 5% of my body weight and now weigh 302 pounds.  Still a long way to go, but I am very proud of all of the progress I was able to make in just a few months!  I have also learned a bit about myself.  I feel more confident that I can come at my journey much cleaner and with more consistency now (especially since the house hunt and the move are over).

So, this is the end of Phase I and I lost 18 pounds.

Now, on to Phase II!