When I first approached my doctor about being tired all of the time, it was about 8 months after I had my first child. At the time, he chalked it up to me being a new parent and the baby not quite sleeping through the night. When Owen was 18 months old, I couldn’t take it anymore. Not only was I tired all of the time, I had started to fall into a deep depression and I found that I couldn’t concentrate on even the simplest of tasks. I felt sick… but yet not sick in a traditional sense. Know what I mean? So, I made an appointment with my doctor and described my symptoms. He set up an appointment with a sleep-doctor (I can’t remember the technical term for this particular area of medicine so bear with me).

The first time I went in for my sleep study, they hooked me up to all kinds of monitors and wires. I had to sleep on my left side, my right side, my back and my stomach so that they could get an accurate reading. I remember being wakened by the nurse to position myself accordingly. It was a rough night. I got less sleep than usual.

I went to see the sleep-doctor to discuss the results. I stopped breathing 10 times an hour or once every 6 minutes. This was not something surgery could correct. So, I got a CPAP machine. It helped me sleep much better. At first it felt obtrusive and I would wake up in the middle of the night to take my mask off (sometimes I would do it and not even remember doing it). But soon, it got to where I was used to it.

This was the first time that I realized that obesity was a gateway disease. Even though in the back of my mind I *knew* that being 250 pounds was what caused my sleep apnea, something in the back of my mind was relieved to have a solution to that particular problem. The right solution would have been to use the CPAP machine as a temporary solution and then weight-loss as the long term solution. Looking back, I couldn’t tell you why I didn’t think that way. I can’t tell you why, once I got my energy back I continued to live like I was sick. Maybe it’s because I became pregnant shortly after the diagnosis? Maybe it’s because my doctor told me I would lose the weight once I solved the sleep issues? All I know, is that I continued to use my weight, my CPAP machine, and my pregnancies as a crutch.

Obesity is both a disease and an addiction. It’s not just a case of eating too much and not exercising enough. If you have a food-addiction, then you know what I mean. And the sad thing is, obesity is the cause of other diseases and disorders: fatty liver disease, sleep apnea, depression, diabetes, stroke, heart disease, edema… the list goes on and on.

I finally realized this year… (don’t ask me why it took so long for the light bulb to click on) that there is so much more at stake here than just being fat. There is so much more at stake than just not being able to fit in normal-sized clothes or even more at stake than being able to just buy 1 ticket for one seat to ride on a plane.

So… that is my realization post for the day.

When did you realize that this journey is about more than your weight?

I rode on the trail yesterday for the first time in ages.  Before that, I was just riding my bike around the neighborhood.  But nothing competes with riding on the bike trail for me.  In the mornings the trail is near empty save for a few runners, older people walking their dogs and some die-hard cyclists.  I had my workout playlist going, got the kids in the trailer and off I went.

I rode 6.4 miles.  I felt so accomplished!  My thighs and legs got quite a workout!  By the time November comes, I will be completely ready to compete in the bike race!  I am SO excited! 

I have started to realize that some of the inner struggle I have experienced comes from aligning myself to my age… or “coming into my own”, if you will.  For awhile now, I have felt like a girl on the verge.  On the verge of breaking through barriers and becoming a better version of me.  It’s weird but I feel nothing but hope and happiness at this junction (despite any struggles I have experienced or might experience in the future).  For me, this journey isn’t truly a journey without the exercise.  I figured out that exercise was what had been missing from my equation four weeks ago.

You see, after the move, I didn’t get a lot of exercise outside because I was getting things ready on the inside. Though I wasn’t writing it down, I tried to be as conscious as I could of my eating and food choices.  Still, something inside of me felt like it was going to burst.  Do you know that feeling?

I know it seems there has been some negativity here… but in reality, i’m just trying to figure it all out.  You see, during phase I, I had a great thing going!  But I knew that routine wouldn’t last because eventually we would be moving.  And then when we moved, I felt a little lost and unsure as to how to develop a new routine.  NOW… I have developed a new routine and it is much more flexible and fitting to my life.  In the spring and summer months, I plan on getting outside everyday and working out (on the trail or just walking around the neighborhood) for at least 30 minutes to an hour.  Once i’m done with my classes for the summer, i’ll be able to bump it up for an hour or more.

I feel like i’m on the right track and for the first time in a month I am not second-guessing my choices!  It is an amazing feeling!

How are you doing on your journey?  Did you reach any rough patches?  How are you doing now?

By nature, I am a planner — a disorganized planner at that. I plan all the live long day and have such good intentions but when it comes down to it I have either overextended myself yet again or wasn’t organized and so the good intentions end up falling apart. And when things don’t go the way I planned? Well, then the control freak in me comes out and everything feels out of control. This is one aspect of my personality that I don’t altogether enjoy. It’s likened to being a super motivated procrastinator. I need to learn to effectively and realistically plan out my day. And I need to learn to say no to new projects when my plate is full. After that? I need to take a chill pill and realize that life doesn’t always go as planned.

It is during those times (when things feel out of control) that the foodie in me comes out like a lion with a full force roar. My mouth waters and itches for something to chew on. I get so agitated and irritated that everything else in my mind stops but the thought of food. The foodie in me is fierce.

You know what I discovered though? I am really not hungry. I am angry. I use the food to put a cap on my anger. Because I don’t like feeling anger. It comes on so strong and makes me feel like a bad person. The anger doesn’t stem from hate… but rather stems from “not getting it right” and “feeling like a failure”. I might be disorganized but whatever I do I put my full heart and attention into. So, when I can’t put my heart and attention into something or when it seems as though I don’t have enough resources to figure something out…. I get angry. I get angry with myself and I end up feeling like a screw-up. So I guess that makes me a disorganized perfectionist.

But then, that’s where I realize that being a foodie is much like being an alcoholic. I would bet money that a lot of alcoholics have anger and control issues. Lately, I have been saying the serenity prayer (used in AA meetings) whenever I start to get frustrated. There are certain trigger points that I have and I am just now starting to understand what they are. If I can go for a walk or take a time out, then I can head the anger off at the pass before I blow like Mount Vesuvius.

And I have come to realize in all of this that anger does not make me a bad person. Feeling emotions so strongly does not make me irresponsible and flighty…. it simply makes me human.

That is why with all of this comes the notion that the whole journey really is one day at a time and one step at a time. Diane over at Fit to Finish had a really good blog post this morning that talks about the journey taking some time.

I feel strongly that I needed to re-evaluate the program I am on.  Or at least, the way I am going about it.

I have found that the routine that I previously had–  worked at the old house does not work here.  I have tried to incorporate it in its entirety but found that it isn’t working the way it was before.  My daily routine has changed leaps and bounds.

So, I am taking a moment of pause to figure out the angle I should come at my journey now.  With such beautiful weather outside, I feel unbound and will take complete advantage of it!

I can officially say that I have ended phase I (of a many phase journey).  I lost 5% of my body weight and now weigh 302 pounds.  Still a long way to go, but I am very proud of all of the progress I was able to make in just a few months!  I have also learned a bit about myself.  I feel more confident that I can come at my journey much cleaner and with more consistency now (especially since the house hunt and the move are over).

So, this is the end of Phase I and I lost 18 pounds.

Now, on to Phase II!

This subject has actually been brought up in my comments (and probably also on their blogs) by Bobbie at Anonymous Fat Girl and Tiffany at Project 365; and that is the notion that weight loss is often thought of as an “all or nothing” process.

The truth is, having an “all or nothing at all” attitude to weight loss is very counter productive because it is laced with fear undertones.  That kind of outlook is almost diet-wrecking.

I say this, because in my own repeated weight loss attempts over the last 3 years, I very much had an “all or nothing” ‘tude about the journey.  Thus, each journey ended up being short-lived and not fulfilling.  Why?  Well, for starters, everytime I had a *weak* moment or a moment where I ate something that wasn’t on program, I would use it as an excuse to continue to veer off program.  So instead of one *not so great choice* for the day, I had a string of not-so-great choices for that single day.  But my attitude back then was …. “Oh well.  There’s always tomorrow.  Tomorrow will be a better day.”  Yet, tomorrow would come and it was rarely a good day.  I just kept the cycle up of veering off of a healthy track.  So much so, that after awhile I lost my focus, drive and I couldn’t really remember why I wanted to lose weight other than to *look better*.

I am here to say that there is such a thing as making a bad situation worse.

I hear the term “falling off the wagon” quite a bit when it comes to weight loss.  I have to say that I have changed that saying for myself to “falling on the wagon”.  Because no journey is perfect.  And sometimes, we *are* going to make missteps and eat things we didn’t plan to eat or there will be times where we can’t or don’t get the exercise we set out to get.  But instead of making that situation worse, we can simply hold ourselves accountable for the present choice and then thereafter, make amends with ourselves by making good choices.  And if we do that, then we didn’t fall OFF of the wagon, we fell ON the wagon.  Which means, we’re still committed to ourselves.  We’re still committed to this journey.

I think Diane from Fit to the Finish is the greatest example of this.  She lost over 150 pounds and managed to keep it off for 12 years!  Not only does she do a great job of recounting her experiences, successes and failures, but she also brings to the table the kind of wisdom that one would only get from *having been there*.  “Are You Prepared for the Long Journey“ is one of my very favorite posts because she tells it like it is.  Losing weight is full of peaks and valleys!

Having an “all or nothing at all” attitude is not just about fear but it also involves guilt.  So if we have that “all or nothing attitude”, then when we do make a choice that is not on program or on the path, then we feel guilty.  And so we jump off the wagon and continue to punish ourselves by saying… “Screw the diet.  Who cares.  I already f*d up.  I might as well keep doing it.  Nothing will ever change.”

So for me, the biggest thing that has changed is my attitude toward this journey.  Because I realize that in order for me to stay on it and to stay with it, then I need to allow myself to fall on the wagon every once in awhile.  And falling on the wagon does not mean that I have veered from my journey.  Because I can make amends.  I can choose not to make a bad situation worse or make a moment of weakness define my whole day/week/month/year.  This is my life and I make the rules.

So the slogan for the day is:  This is YOUR life, YOUR journey and YOU make the rules.

I have been writing down every step of this journey.  I record my workouts, my food and my thoughts.  I have three separate tools that I use to do that with (though in reality I probably only need one of those tools).  I record my workouts on Weight Watchers.com, my food is recorded in my 3-month journal and my blog holds my thoughts.

I don’t think I have written so much in all of my life!  Generally, I really like to write.  However, aside from the massive amounts of papers I am expected to write for my classes, I wasn’t writing for the sheer pleasure of it.  Until this blog of course.

I marvel at how much this journey has brought into my life so far.  I find that I am thankful for all of the little blessings that have happened throughout all of this.

I feel like I am getting my groove back.  Challenges no longer seem insurmountable but are more or less, fun problems to solve.  My attitude is getting better and on a whole I just feel so much happier and satisfied with life.  I am far from goal but I no longer avoid looking at myself in the mirror.  I even take those mirror moments to smile at my reflection.

Many feelings have been pouring out of me since I started this.  Instead of eating them away, I have been dealing with them and acknowledging them.  Most importantly I have been able to make sense of things in a way that I never thought I could.

What I have discovered so far is that I am a good person.  I have a good heart and I am definitely worth knowing and loving.  I have a lot to say, i’m intelligent and definitely worth listening to.

Before, it was hard for me to own up to all of this.  I felt that I was around to help and inspire other people but never myself.  Emotionally, I put myself on the back burner.  I always heard other people say that they didn’t feel like they were worth it until they lost weight.  For me, that seemed mind boggling.  I would even say to myself… “well of course i’m worth it!”    Even though I said it.  Inside, I didn’t really believe it.  There was always a seed of doubt with my self-worth.  And, I always did or said things to receive validation from others.  Because in the grand scheme of things even I didn’t think I was enough.

As cliche as it may sound, now I believe that I am worth it.  I am at a point where I want to be me.  I don’t yearn to be anyone else.  I don’t beg for compliments or put myself out there in search of validation.

I am enough.  I matter.

When I started writing this post, I used my Bell internet device.  It’s a plug-and-play USB device that allows you to put a sim card from your cell phone in and use the internet virtually anywhere!   Having said that… I wrote some of this post parked at the beach (too cold to swim…however, the frozen waves are still inspiring!)

Yesterday’s pity party for one was canceled on account of sunshine.  I admit, I was singing the blues for a moment there.  Thankfully my naturally optimistic and sunny personality perked right back up again.  The remedy?  I took the kids for a ride in the car.  Cranked my buzz ballads CD way up (I love alternative music) and rocked out to Semi-Charmed Life by Eve 6.  It kind of makes me giggle a bit when my 2 year old starts belting out “Lightening Crashes” by Live.  And yeah… my kids breakout in song everywhere.  We’ll be in the middle of a grocery store and out of the blue the other shoppers are treated to my kids’ rendition of  Twinkle Twinkle Little Star or yes… even “Lightening Crashes” by Live.

Anyway, with my mental space back in a good place, I *almost* came back on my blog to write something overwhelmingly positive.  It’s kind of like I wanted to blot out the negativity.  That’s the kind of thinking I have been engaged in for years though.  I would take a bad moment and devalue those feelings of mine.  Inside I would call myself silly and stupid and selfish.  But you know what?  Those feelings I had yesterday were valid.  And I can’t continue to numb myself.  That’s what I have been doing for years.  Striving to make everything on the outside look as sunny as possible even if I was in pain on the inside.  I wouldn’t allow myself to give validity to those feelings.  And since I didn’t allow myself that, I ate away the pain to continue to keep the feelings stuffed down to a more comfortable level.

So, I acknowledged that I had those feelings.  I acknowledged that for a moment I was kind of sad.  What’s more, I allowed myself to be okay with it.

Does that mean I dwell?  Nope.  Not even a little.  It means that I had a down moment and I dealt with it without punishing myself for it (i.e. wrecking my diet, not working out, etc.).  And now, I have moved on.  Because moving on and moving forward is exactly the needed remedy.  If I try to ignore it, it won’t go away.  A problem that starts out as a whisper is soon a screaming, yelling maniac if ignored.  So I acknowledged it, dealt with it and moved on from it.  I didn’t even wreck my diet or my day.

Tiny steps.  That is what this whole thing is comprised of.  Because I am a firm believer that no one gets it right all of the time.  I know I haven’t.  But we continue and persevere and try.  Tiny steps.

I envision this journey to better health to be like biking up a hill.  The first part of it is tough.  It’s steep, a rhythm hasn’t been established yet and it’s hard work.  But then, mid-hill stuff gets a little easier.  If we come across an obstacle, our body and mind is in a good place to overcome it.  We switch gears if we need to.  Getting to the top of the hill is not when we hit goal but rather it is when we get to a point where we have overcome most of our demons and are now seasoned vets at keeping ourselves inline.

Going down the hill on the last leg of the journey is easy.  We are prepared and we move at lightening speed.  At least, that’s how I picture it.

Each part of the journey, each tiny step we take leads to results.  And we need to acknowledge the results even if they do not come in the form of a good number on the scale.  Know what I mean?

What victories did you have this week?

This friend and I had lost contact many years ago. Still, I never forgot the lesson he taught me. I figured it was an important one. So I have kept it in my back pocket until this very moment. Because I think it’s important to check in with yourself on this journey. Make sure that you are still happy and excited. Make sure that you are persevering and motivating yourself. Make sure that you are creating an environment that spells WIN. And if you aren’t, then figure out what you need to do to get back on track and go for it!

This week has proven to be a difficult week for me to get my fitness in. My baby has pink eye, my oldest son has strep throat and my husband has been working way later due to server outages with certain clients. I haven’t seen the inside of the gym since Monday.

At first, I felt like my train had been driven off of my path. It felt like one of those moments where you throw your hands up and say… “what the F?!” Obviously, there is nothing I can do to change the kids being sick or my husband having to work late. Those are some of the facts of life my friend. Shit happens and sometimes you step in it. Know what I mean? And really in the grand scheme of things, this is only one off-week.

Instead of lolling around the house moping about it, I utilized the extra energy to keep moving. I cleaned and organized things I never thought to clean or organize. Sometimes, I found myself jumping around in the kitchen just for fun. Or if a good song came on the radio, I would dance to it with my daughter. 4 weeks of working out has me craving movement. Any kind of movement. My body wants to move. From couch potato to mover and shaker in 4 weeks… that’s me! I have also been extra careful to watch what I eat. Just because I am unable to get to the gym, doesn’t mean I should throw all of my progress to the wind.

Today, I was pacing around the house wondering what else to clean (I think I have the cleanest home in America now). Then I remembered my old exercise bike in the garage. I found it buried under a whole bunch of stuff. So I moved the stuff and moved the bike back into the house. This was no small feat and took a lot of extra effort but it was totally worth it. I moved it into my living room and got 45 minutes of straight cardio on it! And after I was done I felt this calming sensation flow over my body and soul. That is what exercise does for me. It chills me out and sends me to my happy place.

So this week, when I check in with myself, i’m going to note that I overcame an obstacle and am still managing to keep on track with my goals all while smiling.

And then this morning…

I am 311 pounds now!  I weighed in at Weight Watchers this morning and lost another 3.6 pounds!  I did a happy wiggle, gave a fist pump in the air and I think I may have shouted out a woohoo!  And like Thomas the tank engine, the little voice inside of me was on repeat; “you CAN do this!!”

“It’s so nice to have you back where you belong.” — I have the “Hello Dolly” plugin activated on my blog.  While writing my post for today that is what came up.  It seems so fitting.  Thank you.  I am glad to be back where I belong too!

I am not trying to get to my destination at break neck speed.  The fat fairy didn’t bring the weight on overnight and she’s certainly not going to take it away either.  Every pound down feels like one more thing in my life that has been dealt with.  I can’t explain it other than to know that I can do this.  And I will!

Five weeks ago, I was kind of a wreck.  I felt so lost.  I had gained all of this weight, and for the past few years have been in and out of a deep depressive state of mind.  Just the thought of moving off of the couch was almost too much to bear.  Hell, waking up in the morning seemed like a full time job.  I have many things in life to be thankful for and to be proud of but the massive ball of pudge and hair that was me seemed to be like this dark storm cloud always following.  My natural state of being is one made up of happy, cute and optimistic.  I’m sort of a wide-eyed idealist like that.  So this storm cloud thing wasn’t working *at all*.

However, the whole time that I was going through that, I knew that I was on the verge of just going for it.  And then, I did.  The final push came when I realized that I was not living life.  I was merely a bystander in life.  Sitting on the sidelines and watching the whole thing pass me by.  That might as well be 100% true.  I am never the one in the picture, I am the one taking the picture.  Because whenever I would see a picture of myself, I would be faced with the full truth of what I did to myself.

So here I am now.  And I feel good.  I feel better than I have in 3 years.  I’m finally taking control of this beast.  And, i’m turning my troubles over to God.  God and I have had a lot of long talks lately.  When i’m done talking and praying, I feel whole and unburdened.  I am not the most religious person in the world.  I haven’t been to church in so long that I think the last time I did was when my first child was baptized.  Something occurred to me the other night that I couldn’t do this by myself.  I needed help.  I needed something to help unburden my heart.  Because my heart is always filled with all kinds of stuff.   I’m trying to right the wrongs and restore my spiritual self as well as my health.

All in all, it got me to thinking.  There are so many other people out there like me.  They are on their last legs too.  They are on the verge too.

To anyone who has not started their journey yet but happens to be on the verge of it like I was:

Just do it.  There will never be a perfect time or perfect moment to take care of yourself.  There will never be a perfect day of the week or perfect month to start your journey.  All we know is that we have today.  None of us can predict how many tomorrows we will be blessed with.  So just take a chance on you.  Because you are worth it.

What was your turning point?  What made you decide to start getting healthy?

I was teased and tormented endlessly at school because of my weight.  I felt so trapped.  Everywhere I went; there was this solid brick wall.  I remember trying to talk to my mom about it and she made it sound like it was *my* problem.  I mean, it was my problem.  But what I needed from her, I so seldom ever got.  Once, I remember crying to her that I felt chastised at home and chastised at school for my weight.  If my own family couldn’t love me for who I was, then how could *I* love me?

She apologized at that time and told me that she was doing this because she loved me.  Because she had problems with her weight when she was young and doesn’t want me to have to experience that so she pushes me.  I know now that it came from a good place.  But I also know that she had weight problems when she was younger because my grandpa (her dad) was an alcoholic.  Food was her way of dealing with that.  I didn’t know that then, but over the past two years, I have pieced that together.

Aside from eating, I had two other forms of escape:  reading and acting.  I was a really good actress.  I got the lead parts in all of the school plays and felt comfortable placing myself in someone else’s shoes.  Actually, it was a relief to be able to put myself into someone else’s shoes.

I read books like my life depended on it.  What a treat to escape into a good book.  To this day, I can finish off a novel in a couple of days (if I have uninterrupted time that is).

Through all of the turmoil, my family and I actually came out stronger.  They love me and I love them.  But I was faced with so much responsibility and so much “adult” emotion; at a young age, my little mind just couldn’t compute all of that adequately.   I think I developed my own survival mode, albeit unhealthy.  My parents by example were couch potatoes.  I didn’t have a really good role model for that.  And whenever my mom would have me go on a diet, I always felt that it was something that was done *to me*.  I felt singled out.  No one else had to give up the food they loved, but I did.  We never did it as a family.  And so in that way, I felt like I was the one being chastised.  I felt imperfect and broken.

Therein lays my need to control.  Life felt so out of control at various times, that I controlled it by eating whatever I wanted.  And I felt that if I tuned in to other people’s emotions enough, then I could stop something bad from happening or stop myself from being hurt.  The “tuning in to people’s emotions” part started when  I actually felt like I repaired my parent’s marriage when I told my dad that my mom was seeing some other guy (they were separated at the time and I was 6).

Okay, so now i’m bringing this all up to date in the present.

In the present, I have three young children and I am married.  Because I am also a stay-at-home mom, I am responsible for the kids and the house 99% of the time.  All of these are things *I* chose.  But… to some weird degree, I think I had a hard time realizing that I was the one in control.

My dad used to say that he and my mom were the big chiefs and we were just the little Indians.

And I now know why it was easy to lose weight when I was completely on my own.  It’s because *I* was the one in control.  I love being married but I think a part of me thought that marriage meant that I had to give up the control to my husband and to the inlaws.  Now, I know that I don’t have to do that and that I *shouldn’t* do that.

Because now i’m a big chief.  And this weight loss thing?  This is something I am doing for myself.  It is not something that is being done to me.  I can clearly see the benefits.  And this will allow me to be a good role model for my children.  I am trying to make it so that they see and reap the benefits of all of these changes now so that they don’t have to struggle the way I did.  And if they do struggle?  Then i’m not going to put them on a diet.

Because we will do it together as a family.