Archive for the ‘A-ha! Moments’ Category

This week has given me many moments of pause.   These moments were brought out by words from others and aha! moments I came upon.   So, today I am taking a moment of pause to think about those things.

I feel strongly that I needed to re-evaluate the program I am on.  Or at least, the way I am going about it.

I have found that the routine that I previously had–  worked at the old house does not work here.  I have tried to incorporate it in its entirety but found that it isn’t working the way it was before.  My daily routine has changed leaps and bounds.

So, I am taking a moment of pause to figure out the angle I should come at my journey now.  With such beautiful weather outside, I feel unbound and will take complete advantage of it!

I can officially say that I have ended phase I (of a many phase journey).  I lost 5% of my body weight and now weigh 302 pounds.  Still a long way to go, but I am very proud of all of the progress I was able to make in just a few months!  I have also learned a bit about myself.  I feel more confident that I can come at my journey much cleaner and with more consistency now (especially since the house hunt and the move are over).

So, this is the end of Phase I and I lost 18 pounds.

Now, on to Phase II!

This subject has actually been brought up in my comments (and probably also on their blogs) by Bobbie at Anonymous Fat Girl and Tiffany at Project 365; and that is the notion that weight loss is often thought of as an “all or nothing” process.

The truth is, having an “all or nothing at all” attitude to weight loss is very counter productive because it is laced with fear undertones.  That kind of outlook is almost diet-wrecking.

I say this, because in my own repeated weight loss attempts over the last 3 years, I very much had an “all or nothing” ‘tude about the journey.  Thus, each journey ended up being short-lived and not fulfilling.  Why?  Well, for starters, everytime I had a *weak* moment or a moment where I ate something that wasn’t on program, I would use it as an excuse to continue to veer off program.  So instead of one *not so great choice* for the day, I had a string of not-so-great choices for that single day.  But my attitude back then was …. “Oh well.  There’s always tomorrow.  Tomorrow will be a better day.”  Yet, tomorrow would come and it was rarely a good day.  I just kept the cycle up of veering off of a healthy track.  So much so, that after awhile I lost my focus, drive and I couldn’t really remember why I wanted to lose weight other than to *look better*.

I am here to say that there is such a thing as making a bad situation worse.

I hear the term “falling off the wagon” quite a bit when it comes to weight loss.  I have to say that I have changed that saying for myself to “falling on the wagon”.  Because no journey is perfect.  And sometimes, we *are* going to make missteps and eat things we didn’t plan to eat or there will be times where we can’t or don’t get the exercise we set out to get.  But instead of making that situation worse, we can simply hold ourselves accountable for the present choice and then thereafter, make amends with ourselves by making good choices.  And if we do that, then we didn’t fall OFF of the wagon, we fell ON the wagon.  Which means, we’re still committed to ourselves.  We’re still committed to this journey.

I think Diane from Fit to the Finish is the greatest example of this.  She lost over 150 pounds and managed to keep it off for 12 years!  Not only does she do a great job of recounting her experiences, successes and failures, but she also brings to the table the kind of wisdom that one would only get from *having been there*.  “Are You Prepared for the Long Journey“ is one of my very favorite posts because she tells it like it is.  Losing weight is full of peaks and valleys!

Having an “all or nothing at all” attitude is not just about fear but it also involves guilt.  So if we have that “all or nothing attitude”, then when we do make a choice that is not on program or on the path, then we feel guilty.  And so we jump off the wagon and continue to punish ourselves by saying… “Screw the diet.  Who cares.  I already f*d up.  I might as well keep doing it.  Nothing will ever change.”

So for me, the biggest thing that has changed is my attitude toward this journey.  Because I realize that in order for me to stay on it and to stay with it, then I need to allow myself to fall on the wagon every once in awhile.  And falling on the wagon does not mean that I have veered from my journey.  Because I can make amends.  I can choose not to make a bad situation worse or make a moment of weakness define my whole day/week/month/year.  This is my life and I make the rules.

So the slogan for the day is:  This is YOUR life, YOUR journey and YOU make the rules.

The past 5 weeks have been great!

I have been writing down every step of this journey.  I record my workouts, my food and my thoughts.  I have three separate tools that I use to do that with (though in reality I probably only need one of those tools).  I record my workouts on Weight Watchers.com, my food is recorded in my 3-month journal and my blog holds my thoughts.

I don’t think I have written so much in all of my life!  Generally, I really like to write.  However, aside from the massive amounts of papers I am expected to write for my classes, I wasn’t writing for the sheer pleasure of it.  Until this blog of course.

I marvel at how much this journey has brought into my life so far.  I find that I am thankful for all of the little blessings that have happened throughout all of this.

I feel like I am getting my groove back.  Challenges no longer seem insurmountable but are more or less, fun problems to solve.  My attitude is getting better and on a whole I just feel so much happier and satisfied with life.  I am far from goal but I no longer avoid looking at myself in the mirror.  I even take those mirror moments to smile at my reflection.

Many feelings have been pouring out of me since I started this.  Instead of eating them away, I have been dealing with them and acknowledging them.  Most importantly I have been able to make sense of things in a way that I never thought I could.

What I have discovered so far is that I am a good person.  I have a good heart and I am definitely worth knowing and loving.  I have a lot to say, i’m intelligent and definitely worth listening to.

Before, it was hard for me to own up to all of this.  I felt that I was around to help and inspire other people but never myself.  Emotionally, I put myself on the back burner.  I always heard other people say that they didn’t feel like they were worth it until they lost weight.  For me, that seemed mind boggling.  I would even say to myself… “well of course i’m worth it!”    Even though I said it.  Inside, I didn’t really believe it.  There was always a seed of doubt with my self-worth.  And, I always did or said things to receive validation from others.  Because in the grand scheme of things even I didn’t think I was enough.

As cliche as it may sound, now I believe that I am worth it.  I am at a point where I want to be me.  I don’t yearn to be anyone else.  I don’t beg for compliments or put myself out there in search of validation.

I am enough.  I matter.