Category Archives: A-ha! Moments

Pounding down and what’s in a label?

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I feel like losing weight not only adds years to my life but also kind of acts like a life insurance policy of sorts. Only this policy isn’t paid with money but rather with pounds lost. The more pounds I lose, the more years added to my life. I feel so grateful for this experience and yet… I am the catalyst for my journey. (if that makes sense)

And changes? MANY. I think one of my issues in regards to losing weight and keeping it off in the past, is that I didn’t make peace with myself. You see, my world is sometimes very black and white, yes or no, right or wrong. I tried for so long to appear perfect. Maybe I tried so hard to be perfect because I knew that I wasn’t perfect. And my weight was a visual reminder of my imperfection and failures. So I would punish myself with food… yet food was what I used to pacify myself with also. A very vicious cycle.

One thing that has changed tremendously is that I speak up. I am very assertive now. I was not assertive before. I was always so afraid of being labeled a *bitch* or *pushy* and even *disrespectful* or *rude*. So I balled all of my wants, needs and feelings up inside and took on the task of taking care of others and putting their needs before my own. Sometimes I think I thought of it as a noble sacrifice. An act of martyrdom if you will. But really… what was I gaining from all of this? I remember so many times… biting back my feelings… agreeing just to be accepted and then later feeling put out or resentful because I did what others wanted me to do rather than what I wanted to do. I remember feeling drained because it seemed that people always wanted something from me. I remember casting aside boundaries that I should have rightfully put up but didn’t because I didn’t want to be rejected.

I remember dumbing myself down so as not to appear threatening to other people so that I could be accepted. The ironic thing is… while I was certainly accepted, I was made fun of and put down. I was the class clown and not respected at all. But THIS is how I taught people to treat me. And yet… I didn’t think of it like that at the time. I thought I was making friends. But in reality… I was making an ass of myself in the name of acceptance.

Now… I set boundaries (and gladly so). I share what I am thinking whether those thoughts might be deemed rude, pushy, etc. I am truthful but tactful. I am still bubbly, funny, friendly and willing to help anyone. I suppose I have just found my voice and am letting it be heard.

I am becoming the person I have always wanted to be. It is extraordinary and freeing. :)

What personality changes have you noticed within yourself since you have been on this journey?

It feels good to do something about your weight. Doesn’t it?!

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I have always firmly believed that when we truly put our best foot forward in life, we feel happy and accomplished. This philosophy applies to weight loss as well. When we are taking care of the thing that bothers us most about our life… health…money… etc. we get to take giant steps forward to get to where we want to be and need to be.

When I take care of myself, I feel happy. I feel accomplished. I feel good about *me*.

If you have a longer journey (100+ pounds to lose or more), then you have figured out that it takes awhile before you visually reap the benefits of getting healthy. That’s why it is so crucial to focus on how you feel. Ask yourself this: When you get a workout in do you feel accomplished and happier? When you make healthy food choices do you feel that you have gained some of your power back?

There have been a few points in my own life where I felt powerless around food. I would self-sabotage in the name of pacification and before I knew it, I would be staring down at the silver lining of an empty chip bag (kind of ironic how a silver-lining isn’t always a good thing. heh.). There was a time when I would purposely order more food than I could eat from a favorite pizza place and manage to eat all of it (even though I started to feel sick somewhere in the middle of eating all of that food). I enjoyed eating alone because then I wouldn’t have to face up to uncomfortable looks or the off-chance of a snide comment. I also enjoyed eating alone because then I didn’t have to hide how much I ate.

I have started to mentally talk to myself when I feel discouraged. Mental pep-talks seem to help a lot! In a frustrated moment I ask myself… “How can I see this differently?” and “When I look back on this later… what is it about this moment that I want to remember? That I gave up on myself or that I pushed through the feelings?”

Revel in the feeling that you are doing something about your weight issues. Whether you have taken the first step or are on the 50th step in your journey…remember that you are doing something about this. You may not be where you want to be yet. But you are doing it. :)

Obesity is a gateway disease

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Obesity is a gateway disease in the way that it opens the door to other diseases. The first time I realized that obesity was a gateway disease was back when I was diagnosed with sleep apnea. At 25 years old I found that I had frequent *choking* dreams, would snore louder than a freight train, had trouble deep-sleeping, and would wake up with massive migraines. Of course all of this would cause me to be drastically tired all day long. I remember taking full days off from work because I felt so drained of energy. Back then, I would be able to sleep all day long and then also sleep all night long. I knew that something was wrong. Sure, I was overweight, but why was I so chronically tired?

When I first approached my doctor about being tired all of the time, it was about 8 months after I had my first child. At the time, he chalked it up to me being a new parent and the baby not quite sleeping through the night. When Owen was 18 months old, I couldn’t take it anymore. Not only was I tired all of the time, I had started to fall into a deep depression and I found that I couldn’t concentrate on even the simplest of tasks. I felt sick… but yet not sick in a traditional sense. Know what I mean? So, I made an appointment with my doctor and described my symptoms. He set up an appointment with a sleep-doctor (I can’t remember the technical term for this particular area of medicine so bear with me).

The first time I went in for my sleep study, they hooked me up to all kinds of monitors and wires. I had to sleep on my left side, my right side, my back and my stomach so that they could get an accurate reading. I remember being wakened by the nurse to position myself accordingly. It was a rough night. I got less sleep than usual.

I went to see the sleep-doctor to discuss the results. I stopped breathing 10 times an hour or once every 6 minutes. This was not something surgery could correct. So, I got a CPAP machine. It helped me sleep much better. At first it felt obtrusive and I would wake up in the middle of the night to take my mask off (sometimes I would do it and not even remember doing it). But soon, it got to where I was used to it.

This was the first time that I realized that obesity was a gateway disease. Even though in the back of my mind I *knew* that being 250 pounds was what caused my sleep apnea, something in the back of my mind was relieved to have a solution to that particular problem. The right solution would have been to use the CPAP machine as a temporary solution and then weight-loss as the long term solution. Looking back, I couldn’t tell you why I didn’t think that way. I can’t tell you why, once I got my energy back I continued to live like I was sick. Maybe it’s because I became pregnant shortly after the diagnosis? Maybe it’s because my doctor told me I would lose the weight once I solved the sleep issues? All I know, is that I continued to use my weight, my CPAP machine, and my pregnancies as a crutch.

Obesity is both a disease and an addiction. It’s not just a case of eating too much and not exercising enough. If you have a food-addiction, then you know what I mean. And the sad thing is, obesity is the cause of other diseases and disorders: fatty liver disease, sleep apnea, depression, diabetes, stroke, heart disease, edema… the list goes on and on.

I finally realized this year… (don’t ask me why it took so long for the light bulb to click on) that there is so much more at stake here than just being fat. There is so much more at stake than just not being able to fit in normal-sized clothes or even more at stake than being able to just buy 1 ticket for one seat to ride on a plane.

So… that is my realization post for the day. :)

When did you realize that this journey is about more than your weight?