Category Archives: A-ha! Moments

Moments of pause and the end of Phase I

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This week has given me many moments of pause.   These moments were brought out by words from others and aha! moments I came upon.   So, today I am taking a moment of pause to think about those things.

I feel strongly that I needed to re-evaluate the program I am on.  Or at least, the way I am going about it.

I have found that the routine that I previously had–  worked at the old house does not work here.  I have tried to incorporate it in its entirety but found that it isn’t working the way it was before.  My daily routine has changed leaps and bounds.

So, I am taking a moment of pause to figure out the angle I should come at my journey now.  With such beautiful weather outside, I feel unbound and will take complete advantage of it! :)

I can officially say that I have ended phase I (of a many phase journey).  I lost 5% of my body weight and now weigh 302 pounds.  Still a long way to go, but I am very proud of all of the progress I was able to make in just a few months!  I have also learned a bit about myself.  I feel more confident that I can come at my journey much cleaner and with more consistency now (especially since the house hunt and the move are over).

So, this is the end of Phase I and I lost 18 pounds.

Now, on to Phase II! :)

Being fat takes up a lot of personal resources

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I have to be honest. Until I started this journey, I didn’t have a lot of resources. It was a struggle to get up everyday and get the things done that needed to get done.

Things that are seemingly not a big deal for everyone else to accomplish, were definitely a big deal for me. For example, having a messy house to clean is not a big feat for some. However, for me, it was overwhelming. Going grocery shopping was overwhelming. Picking my son up for school on the days where I would rather hole up inside the house was overwhelming.  Being 320 pounds was overwhelming.

The more overwhelmed I got, the more my energy depleted, the more I hated myself, the more depressed I became. I felt incapable and hopeless.

It’s never a good thing when you start to lose hope. It’s never a good thing when you feel in your heart that life will *always* be like this for you.

But then that day came, where I hit the proverbial “rock bottom” and realized that if I didn’t love myself enough to make a fresh start, then I should at the very least love my children enough to do it.  And so I did.  Initially, my kids were my driving force.  When I started to think about giving up, I thought about them.  It killed me to think that I may not be here for them in the future because of the poor choices I had made.  Because of that, I pushed myself to go the distance.

Something happened along the way and I began to want it for myself.  It has been a long time since I have wanted something for myself.  It’s a nice feeling actually.  For a long time, it seemed I was more than content to sit on the sidelines and watch everyone else succeed and enjoy life.  For a long time, I was content on being everyone else’s cute-but-fat cheerleader.

Being fat and depressed took up a lot of my resources.  So much so that I used up whatever of the left over resources I had for others.  I saved nothing for myself.  I didn’t feel like I deserved it.  I was fat and I was punishing myself for being fat… for being less-than-perfect in a society that will rip you down to shreds if you aren’t their version of “normal”.

I did not realize then that in punishing myself I was actually continuing the harmful cycle.  I thought I deserved to suffer.

Now i’m standing here today and life is like a breath of fresh air!  The fog that had been clouding around me for so long finally dissipated and I can see CLEARLY if not for the first time in a long time.

Bobbie mentioned in one of her posts, that her trainer said that we live in a microwave society.  It’s SO true!  Losing weight, especially when you have 50-100+ pounds to lose, is truly a journey.  One that we don’t get to just simply by eating our way there.  Food certainly factors in, but it is so much complicated than that.  In order to give this your best shot, you have to mentally prepare yourself to get there.  You have to save some of those resources for yourself.

In the end, you have to REALIZE that YOU ARE worth it.

And you know what?  I am worth it.  I am more than worth it.

Love Thyself First

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Bobbie over at Anonymous Fat girl, brought up a really good topic today on her blog in regards to gastric bypass surgery.

Now, I have never had Gastric Bypass Surgery (I have taken weight loss supplements though–). However, I do know at least 5 people who have had it.  Two of the five were sisters that I went to school with (they were a few grades below me and were in my brother’s class).  Both grew up obese and were passed over by boys, sometimes friends, etc.  In my opinion, they were sweet girls.  They had good singing vocals and a lot to offer.  But I could tell they never saw it.

Bring us to the present.  Both girls had Gastric Bypass surgery at the same time.  They both hit their goal weights and looked fantastic.  One girl gained a bit back and is now at a more comfortable weight for her.  The other, is skinny skinny.

I had an opportunity to talk to them at my best friend’s wedding last summer (I was the Maid of Honor).  The younger of the two was doing very well.  She got married, has one daughter and is the same friendly person that I knew her to be.

The other one however, lost all sense of class that she had.  She actually sauntered up to me and another gal at the reception and said… “I’m going to stand over here by the FAT girls!”

I wasn’t offended by her pointing out that I was fat.  Because I AM fat.  But what she said next absolutely broke my heart.  She said… “Deep down inside I am still fat.  I still see myself as the girl I was in high school.”

She brought a date to the reception but made out with almost every guy there (and ended up dateless halfway through the reception because of it).  And she was sloppy drunk the whole time.

I am not writing this down so that I can pass judgment on this girl.  I am writing this down because I think she missed a step in the whole weight-loss journey.

And that step is to “LOVE THYSELF FIRST”.  If you can’t love yourself, if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror and find things to celebrate about yourself as you are NOW.  Then what makes you think that you will love yourself and find things to celebrate about yourself when you are thin?  You have to love who you are now.  No matter what.  Because you are wonderful!

If I can’t love myself just as I am now.  Then I won’t love myself in the future.

You always hear about some of the contestants from those extreme makeover shows and how they *still* see themselves as the “ugly/fat” person they were before all of the plastic surgery and such.  This is because they never made peace with the person they were before.  So there are still unresolved seeds of self-loathing floating around inside.

You have to work on the inside as well as the outside.

Losing weight and being on this journey means that you have to find things within yourself to celebrate.

I used to think that losing weight was going to be this golden ticket that held everything that was good in life.  All I had to do was lose the weight and then BAM!  perfect life.

It doesn’t work that way.  Losing weight makes you thinner, and healthier — yes.  Does it fix problems?  Only health problems.  That is why I say that it is imperative to work on the rest.

When you learn to love yourself, the rest of the journey is that much sweeter. :)