Once upon a time, I could go into any store and find clothes. I felt healthy. I felt good about myself. I felt feminine and attractive and worth it.
In 2002, I made a pact with myself. I was *going* to lose the weight and get down to a healthy normal size. My goal weight back then was 150.
I worked hard and ate very little. I minimized the amount of carbs I took in everyday. I allowed myself 3 or 4 pieces of whole wheat bread a day. The rest of my diet consisted of fruit, steamed veggies, egg beaters, low-fat cheese and chicken breast. For 3 months, I pretty much ate the same thing day in and day out.
I rode my bike 14 miles a day- 5 to 6 days a week (the bike rides lasted an hour a piece). I woke up at the butt-crack of dawn to stretch, do situps and workout my arms (the routine lasted 20 minutes).
I drank green tea and water by the gallons. I went to bed around 8:30. I was disciplined. I felt strong and in control.
I also isolated myself. I didn’t have a phone (I didn’t want distractions). I didn’t have plans with anyone for the first month and a half. I was very much focused on losing weight. I managed to lose 65 pounds in one summer.
Then, I met my husband. Even though I continued to lose, once we got to a comfortable and committed spot, I started losing my quest to become healthy. I lost site of my 150-pound goal. I was comfortable at 165. But then, 165 became 180 and then 185 and finally 190. A month after we got engaged, I knew that I needed to start losing weight again. After all, I wanted the perfect wedding day and that included being the perfect size. And then, a couple of months after the engagement, I found out I was pregnant. And well… i’m sure you can imagine the rest.
When I was done with my first pregnancy, I lost 50 pounds from delivery to the first month. At 9 months preggers I weighed 265 pounds. At my two-week checkup I found out that I lost 38 pounds and weighed in at 227. My doctor was impressed. He told me I should have no problem losing the weight. And I wouldn’t have had problems if I would have persevered and kept going.
Once I went back to work, I was entrenched in the everyday hustle and bustle. I tried to balance a job I didn’t love and parenting (something I loved dearly!). I had a lot of new stresses and old stresses. Instead of looking for a healthy way to combat the stress I allowed it to consume me. I had a husband and a son so I wasn’t alone. Who cared how much I weighed? I felt very much in control (even though control is the last thing I would have ever described me back then, looking at it now).
Why did I gain the weight back when it felt so good to be smaller?
I think it’s because I didn’t do my homework. When I did all of this the first time, all I had was time to myself. I didn’t have much stress because I didn’t have a lot going on in my life. I needed something to do with all of that time… so I spent it working on myself. As the pounds fell off, I felt lighter in many ways. I had more of myself to give to others. I had more energy and more drive. My thinking was so clear.
My goal at that time should have been to figure out who I was and what I wanted out of life. I didn’t do that. I didn’t take the time to enjoy just being young and single. I wanted a husband. I wanted a family. Because those are things that were familiar and comfortable to me. I came from a close family and parents who loved one another deeply. I wanted that for myself. And I knew that losing weight and becoming physically appealing was the only way to ensure that I wouldn’t be alone.
If I had done my homework and dug deep back then…. if I would have made peace with myself, then I believe I would be in a different place today (physically and mentally).
So that is why this time is different. This time, I am doing my homework. I am digging deeper than I thought I could. I have a hunger for challenge and success. I will not give up until I reach my goal weight this time. I WILL know what 150 pounds feels like. 
I would like to thank Tony @ the Anti-Jared for his insightful post this morning. It really made me think about why I gained all of my weight back the first time and what it is that I can do differently to ensure that doesn’t happen this time.
