In 2002, I made a pact with myself.  I was *going* to lose the weight and get down to a healthy normal size.  My goal weight back then was 150.

I worked hard and ate very little.  I minimized the amount of carbs I took in everyday.  I allowed myself 3 or 4 pieces of whole wheat bread a day.  The rest of my diet consisted of fruit, steamed veggies, egg beaters, low-fat cheese and chicken breast.  For 3 months, I pretty much ate the same thing day in and day out.

I rode my bike 14 miles a day- 5 to 6 days a week (the bike rides lasted an hour a piece).  I woke up at the butt-crack of dawn to stretch, do situps and workout my arms (the routine lasted 20 minutes).

I drank green tea and water by the gallons.  I went to bed around 8:30.  I was disciplined.  I felt strong and in control.

I also isolated myself.  I didn’t have a phone (I didn’t want distractions).  I didn’t have plans with anyone for the first month and a half.  I was very much focused on losing weight.  I managed to lose 65 pounds in one summer.

Then, I met my husband.  Even though I continued to lose, once we got to a comfortable and committed spot, I started losing my quest to become healthy.  I lost site of my 150-pound goal.  I was comfortable at 165.  But then, 165 became 180 and then 185 and finally 190.  A month after we got engaged, I knew that I needed to start losing weight again.  After all, I wanted the perfect wedding day and that included being the perfect size.  And then, a couple of months after the engagement, I found out I was pregnant.  And well… i’m sure you can imagine the rest.

When I was done with my first pregnancy, I lost 50 pounds from delivery to the first month.  At 9 months preggers I weighed 265 pounds.  At my two-week checkup I found out that I lost 38 pounds and weighed in at 227.  My doctor was impressed.  He told me I should have no problem losing the weight.  And I wouldn’t have had problems if I would have persevered and kept going.

Once I went back to work, I was entrenched in the everyday hustle and bustle.  I tried to balance a job I didn’t love and parenting (something I loved dearly!).  I had a lot of new stresses and old stresses.  Instead of looking for a healthy way to combat the stress I allowed it to consume me.  I had a husband and a son so I wasn’t alone.  Who cared how much I weighed?  I felt very much in control (even though control is the last thing I would have ever described me back then, looking at it now).

Why did I gain the weight back when it felt so good to be smaller?

I think it’s because I didn’t do my homework.  When I did all of this the first time, all I had was time to myself.  I didn’t have much stress because I didn’t have a lot going on in my life.  I needed something to do with all of that time… so I spent it working on myself.  As the pounds fell off, I felt lighter in many ways.  I had more of myself to give to others.  I had more energy and more drive.  My thinking was so clear.

My goal at that time should have been to figure out who I was and what I wanted out of life.  I didn’t do that.  I didn’t take the time to enjoy just being young and single.  I wanted a husband.  I wanted a family.   Because those are things that were familiar and comfortable to me.  I came from a close family and parents who loved one another deeply.  I wanted that for myself.  And I knew that losing weight and becoming physically appealing was the only way to ensure that I wouldn’t be alone.

If I had done my homework and dug deep back then…. if I would have made peace with myself, then I believe I would be in a different place today (physically and mentally).

So that is why this time is different.  This time, I am doing my homework.  I am digging deeper than I thought I could.  I have a hunger for challenge and success.  I will not give up until I reach my goal weight this time.  I WILL know what 150 pounds feels like.

I would like to thank Tony @ the Anti-Jared for his insightful post this morning.  It really made me think about why I gained all of my weight back the first time and what it is that I can do differently to ensure that doesn’t happen this time.

I have been writing down every step of this journey.  I record my workouts, my food and my thoughts.  I have three separate tools that I use to do that with (though in reality I probably only need one of those tools).  I record my workouts on Weight Watchers.com, my food is recorded in my 3-month journal and my blog holds my thoughts.

I don’t think I have written so much in all of my life!  Generally, I really like to write.  However, aside from the massive amounts of papers I am expected to write for my classes, I wasn’t writing for the sheer pleasure of it.  Until this blog of course.

I marvel at how much this journey has brought into my life so far.  I find that I am thankful for all of the little blessings that have happened throughout all of this.

I feel like I am getting my groove back.  Challenges no longer seem insurmountable but are more or less, fun problems to solve.  My attitude is getting better and on a whole I just feel so much happier and satisfied with life.  I am far from goal but I no longer avoid looking at myself in the mirror.  I even take those mirror moments to smile at my reflection.

Many feelings have been pouring out of me since I started this.  Instead of eating them away, I have been dealing with them and acknowledging them.  Most importantly I have been able to make sense of things in a way that I never thought I could.

What I have discovered so far is that I am a good person.  I have a good heart and I am definitely worth knowing and loving.  I have a lot to say, i’m intelligent and definitely worth listening to.

Before, it was hard for me to own up to all of this.  I felt that I was around to help and inspire other people but never myself.  Emotionally, I put myself on the back burner.  I always heard other people say that they didn’t feel like they were worth it until they lost weight.  For me, that seemed mind boggling.  I would even say to myself… “well of course i’m worth it!”    Even though I said it.  Inside, I didn’t really believe it.  There was always a seed of doubt with my self-worth.  And, I always did or said things to receive validation from others.  Because in the grand scheme of things even I didn’t think I was enough.

As cliche as it may sound, now I believe that I am worth it.  I am at a point where I want to be me.  I don’t yearn to be anyone else.  I don’t beg for compliments or put myself out there in search of validation.

I am enough.  I matter.

Honestly, even though there is so much on the horizon.  I feel like i’m a little stalled.  Going to the gym was my way of being able to be out of the house for a couple of hours every day.  Because I am a full time college student, full time business owner and full time stay-at-home mom, I find myself in the house most of the time.  The walls start to close in on me and I feel trapped.  I normally do not feel this way in the spring and summer so I know that it is the state of the season that leaves me feeling this way.  So I find that I really have to push myself right now to workout.  Going to the gym every day was super easy for me.  Being in the house and having to exercise, eh… not so much.  Weird eh?

I am reminding myself that this is temporary.  I have been keeping up with my exercising and have been really on track with the eating.  But even I admit to myself that going to the gym every day left me feeling like I had a full life.  Which is kind of ironic since I am a really busy person regardless of whether or not I go to the gym.  Know what I mean?

On the upside, I am really proud of myself for losing 10 pounds in one month!  All of my hard work and perseverance has paid off.  Leaving me more than sure that I will be able to reach my goal of being 100 pounds down by the end of this year! 

Alright question time.

How do you guys deal with the winter season?  Does the lack of sunshine and being more housebound have an effect on your overall attitude?  Or is it just me?  What do you think?

The end of the road is great… but not as awesome as the journey

You got it.  That’s how I feel right now.

You see, I have come upon the notion that this journey is going to be awesome, by accident during my workout this morning.  Am I excited to reach my goal weight of 145 pounds?  You betcha.  But, let’s face it 145 pounds for me, is a long ways away at this point.  If I concentrate too much on the end result, then I won’t get anything from it on the way there.

I have been here before.  I have been in this place.  Back in 2001, I weighed 235 pounds and lost 70 pounds over 4 months.  How did I do it?  Well, for one thing, back in that day, it was just me.  I had no husband (or boyfriend) or children.  At 21, I was a budding career girl, living in a one bedroom apartment wondering how to grab life by the balls and run.  I cut down my carbs (ate only high yielding foods), learned to love fruits and veggies, and ate lean meat.  I also started walking 3 miles a day.  And then, when that wasn’t challenging enough, I upped my workout to biking 14 miles 6 days a week.  My motivation back then was to build a life for myself.  My efforts paid off and here I am today happily married with three little ones and on a great career path.

Every week I would get compliments.  People would say, “Oh your face is looking thinner!” or “You are glowing!” or (my personal favorite) “You are looking so good!”.   I live off of compliments y’all.  The quickest way to my heart is to give me a compliment.  I live, eat and breathe compliments.  And back then, each compliment gave me more motivation to keep on going.  Not only that, but at the same time something else was building inside of me.  A sense of self.

I started to really look at my life and define it.  I picked what I wanted, left out what I didn’t want and redefined my needs.  Working out every day gave me a sense of accomplishment and more importantly as my feet (or bike tires) hit the pavement, my stress seemed to flow down that way too.   I was just plain happy to be me and happy to be living life out loud for once.

The end of the road was great.  I got down to 165, looked hot (not gonna lie.  I was a hottie), and felt confident.   But the journey gave me so much.  Because, had I not went through the process of defining myself, destressing and decluttering my life, then I wouldn’t have gotten to the end of the road of that particular journey.  If I would have defined my success by the number on the scale instead of by the way I felt, then I would never have lost the weight or gained a sense of self.

So yeah, I am back here again.  But this is a whole new journey.  I look around and see that my life is vastly different now than it was before.  Still, this time around, i’m coming to the table with the same basic principle as I had back then; I am going to enjoy the ride.  I am going to enjoy the mini successes.  I am going to allow the stress to pour out of me with each workout.  I am going to enjoy the energy I am gaining, the smiles I am giving, and the basic notion that I am living life once again.

Because this whole journey really is about living life out loud.  This whole journey for me boils down to getting back in touch with myself and redefining who I am.

Mini Successes Today:  I felt invigorated after my workout instead of dead-dog-tired and everyday it seems to have gotten easier.  Oh *AND* working out makes me feel thinner.

Now a question for you guys.  What has been your favorite part of your own weight loss journey thus far?

I’m not going to lie.  I’ve been stressed as all get out lately.  I am 3/4 of the way through college and soon will have my Bachelor’s in web development.  I’m perusing Masters degree programs and IT Jobs.

Being a stay-at-home mom is far from a vacation, but the realization that my reality as I know it will end soon and working mom will begin again, leaves me *knowing* that I have to take the leap and regain my health NOW… rather than sometime later on.  Anyone who has worked in IT, has a spouse that works in IT, or has worked with someone who works in IT, knows that it is a challenging and stressful field.

We now live in a technology-dependent world.  So when technical stuff doesn’t work… the people using it…. freak out.  And the IT person has the job of not only calming down those who are freaked out… but they actually have to fix the problem and get it working again.

So i’m sort of on the verge of many things right now.  But I am making health, my primary focus.  Because i’ll be back in the ring soon enough.

I have to admit, I have been lying to myself.  I’ve been thinking about this blog a lot and realizing that in some ways, *this* is my accountability.  *This* is my way to stay on track.  This is where I talk about things going on and talk about things that are bothering me and hindering me from weight loss.

But… I feel ashamed.  I feel ashamed that I have veered so drastically from the path.  And I have.  I can’t even deny it.  The truth still remains that I *WANT* to prevail and conquer this weight.  And if want were in pennies, I would be a very rich woman.  Because I have wanted this for a long time.

So, it is time to be honest with myself.

I have lied to myself for years.  Pretending that the food I am eating to gluttony is not killing me, when in fact it is.  My fate started to be sealed with the diagnosis of Sleep Apnea after the birth of my first child.  My fate continues to be sealed with poor circulation and shortness of breath.  Hell, i’ve gained so much weight over the last 5 years that I am having trouble doing simple things…. like tying my shoes.

More honesty:

I don’t go anywhere that I don’t absolutely have to because I don’t want to see people.  I actually walk with my head down now.

I don’t go anywhere with the kids unless it is in an environment where they can’t “run away”, lest I be forced to chase after them.

I have enough self-loathing to fill 10 bathtubs.

I do not believe that I am worth anything.

I have heard people say that they are overweight because they put other people’s needs before their own.  I am here to say, that while I do put other people’s needs before my own; I am obese BECAUSE I am selfish.  When I eat to the point of puking, I am selfish.  I am depriving myself of a life filled with happiness.  I am depriving those who I hold so dear to my heart, the very best of ME.

At some point, one would think that I would have figured out, if the hunger is not satisfied by now… then maybe *FOOD* is not what I need.  Maybe I need some very real and very honest self-reflection.  I need to understand and to recognize that being this obese, takes WORK.  I have been WORKING to destroy myself for a very long time now.

I know now, it is a path of misery that I am on, IF I continue to eat like this….no… *live* like this.

Today.  I am taking my life back.

I am right back where I started.  I don’t feel like a failure.  I feel like a work in progress.  Various things happen in my life and at the core of my being I feel unworthy and shy at best.  I also have a tendency to put the needs of others before my own.  Because the truth is, I get a life-high from helping others.

However, at the end of the day, I skip over myself.  Because I don’t think I am worthy of that attention.

So here I am now.  Really taking an inventory of things and have decided to surround myself with a support system.  A big part of my support system is a virtual world made up of inspiring bloggers, and social networks filled with people who are on the same journey or at least, have been where I am now.

This time, I dusted off the old exercise bike and dragged it back into the house.  I have re-commited to Weight Watchers and will not stop until I reach goal.

I’m not perfect.  I am a work in progress.

Though I admit that it is much harder to lose weight when you are a mom and a wife.  Having extra commitments in your life and more people to think about, make us women (well… me at least) feel as though we can’t take the time for ourselves.  The mommy guilt complex gets me every time.

When I was single, I was very successful in my first serious weight loss attempt.  I had no one else to think of besides myself and no other stressors in life other than work and being single.  So, I know what it akes to lose the weight, but convincing myself that it is “okay” to take time out for me is another battle.

So here I am.  Ready to spill my guts about weight loss, weight gain as well as anything and everything pertaining to it.

From as far back as I can remember,  I have never been what one would call thin.  I was a robust child and by the age of 10 had become chubby.  My dad of course told me that it was “baby fat” and that I would lose it as I got older.  But he was wrong because the baby fat turned into teenager fat and then adult fat.

But I happen to think chubby is a cute name.  Chubby babies, chubby feet and chubby cheeks are all cute right?

After 3 subsequent pregnancies (one after another), I manage to gain 130 lbs.  Eating for two, three times within a 4-year period is a lot for anyone.

I am candid about my weight.  I make fun of myself.  But I have learned to love myself and accept who I am as a person as well.

None of this acceptance came easily until I came to the realization that I am who I am.  I have good qualities, bad qualities and have made good choices as well as bad choices.  I am human.

So here I am, being human and writing on this blog.  Because I am honest to a T.   You may laugh at me, cry with me or despise my honesty, but all in all, if you’re reading this blog… I think it’s a good thing.

Hello… my name is K and I like to chew things.