Category Archives: About Me

The end of the road is great… but not as awesome as the journey

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My favorite motivational poster of all time!

The end of the road is great… but not as awesome as the journey

You got it.  That’s how I feel right now.

You see, I have come upon the notion that this journey is going to be awesome, by accident during my workout this morning.  Am I excited to reach my goal weight of 145 pounds?  You betcha.  But, let’s face it 145 pounds for me, is a long ways away at this point.  If I concentrate too much on the end result, then I won’t get anything from it on the way there.

I have been here before.  I have been in this place.  Back in 2001, I weighed 235 pounds and lost 70 pounds over 4 months.  How did I do it?  Well, for one thing, back in that day, it was just me.  I had no husband (or boyfriend) or children.  At 21, I was a budding career girl, living in a one bedroom apartment wondering how to grab life by the balls and run.  I cut down my carbs (ate only high yielding foods), learned to love fruits and veggies, and ate lean meat.  I also started walking 3 miles a day.  And then, when that wasn’t challenging enough, I upped my workout to biking 14 miles 6 days a week.  My motivation back then was to build a life for myself.  My efforts paid off and here I am today happily married with three little ones and on a great career path.

Every week I would get compliments.  People would say, “Oh your face is looking thinner!” or “You are glowing!” or (my personal favorite) “You are looking so good!”.   I live off of compliments y’all.  The quickest way to my heart is to give me a compliment.  I live, eat and breathe compliments.  And back then, each compliment gave me more motivation to keep on going.  Not only that, but at the same time something else was building inside of me.  A sense of self.

I started to really look at my life and define it.  I picked what I wanted, left out what I didn’t want and redefined my needs.  Working out every day gave me a sense of accomplishment and more importantly as my feet (or bike tires) hit the pavement, my stress seemed to flow down that way too.   I was just plain happy to be me and happy to be living life out loud for once.

The end of the road was great.  I got down to 165, looked hot (not gonna lie.  I was a hottie), and felt confident.   But the journey gave me so much.  Because, had I not went through the process of defining myself, destressing and decluttering my life, then I wouldn’t have gotten to the end of the road of that particular journey.  If I would have defined my success by the number on the scale instead of by the way I felt, then I would never have lost the weight or gained a sense of self.

So yeah, I am back here again.  But this is a whole new journey.  I look around and see that my life is vastly different now than it was before.  Still, this time around, i’m coming to the table with the same basic principle as I had back then; I am going to enjoy the ride.  I am going to enjoy the mini successes.  I am going to allow the stress to pour out of me with each workout.  I am going to enjoy the energy I am gaining, the smiles I am giving, and the basic notion that I am living life once again.

Because this whole journey really is about living life out loud.  This whole journey for me boils down to getting back in touch with myself and redefining who I am.

Mini Successes Today:  I felt invigorated after my workout instead of dead-dog-tired and everyday it seems to have gotten easier.  Oh *AND* working out makes me feel thinner.

Now a question for you guys.  What has been your favorite part of your own weight loss journey thus far?

Stress and then some

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I’m not going to lie.  I’ve been stressed as all get out lately.  I am 3/4 of the way through college and soon will have my Bachelor’s in web development.  I’m perusing Masters degree programs and IT Jobs.

Being a stay-at-home mom is far from a vacation, but the realization that my reality as I know it will end soon and working mom will begin again, leaves me *knowing* that I have to take the leap and regain my health NOW… rather than sometime later on.  Anyone who has worked in IT, has a spouse that works in IT, or has worked with someone who works in IT, knows that it is a challenging and stressful field.

We now live in a technology-dependent world.  So when technical stuff doesn’t work… the people using it…. freak out.  And the IT person has the job of not only calming down those who are freaked out… but they actually have to fix the problem and get it working again.

So i’m sort of on the verge of many things right now.  But I am making health, my primary focus.  Because i’ll be back in the ring soon enough.

Coming back from hiatus and honesty

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I am back from hiatus!  And ready to be FULLY committed to this process.

I have to admit, I have been lying to myself.  I’ve been thinking about this blog a lot and realizing that in some ways, *this* is my accountability.  *This* is my way to stay on track.  This is where I talk about things going on and talk about things that are bothering me and hindering me from weight loss.

But… I feel ashamed.  I feel ashamed that I have veered so drastically from the path.  And I have.  I can’t even deny it.  The truth still remains that I *WANT* to prevail and conquer this weight.  And if want were in pennies, I would be a very rich woman.  Because I have wanted this for a long time.

So, it is time to be honest with myself.

I have lied to myself for years.  Pretending that the food I am eating to gluttony is not killing me, when in fact it is.  My fate started to be sealed with the diagnosis of Sleep Apnea after the birth of my first child.  My fate continues to be sealed with poor circulation and shortness of breath.  Hell, i’ve gained so much weight over the last 5 years that I am having trouble doing simple things…. like tying my shoes.

More honesty:

I don’t go anywhere that I don’t absolutely have to because I don’t want to see people.  I actually walk with my head down now.

I don’t go anywhere with the kids unless it is in an environment where they can’t “run away”, lest I be forced to chase after them.

I have enough self-loathing to fill 10 bathtubs.

I do not believe that I am worth anything.

I have heard people say that they are overweight because they put other people’s needs before their own.  I am here to say, that while I do put other people’s needs before my own; I am obese BECAUSE I am selfish.  When I eat to the point of puking, I am selfish.  I am depriving myself of a life filled with happiness.  I am depriving those who I hold so dear to my heart, the very best of ME.

At some point, one would think that I would have figured out, if the hunger is not satisfied by now… then maybe *FOOD* is not what I need.  Maybe I need some very real and very honest self-reflection.  I need to understand and to recognize that being this obese, takes WORK.  I have been WORKING to destroy myself for a very long time now.

I know now, it is a path of misery that I am on, IF I continue to eat like this….no… *live* like this.

Today.  I am taking my life back.