I read an insanely riveting post by Bobbie over at Anonymous Fat Girl and I came to this conclusion about obesity from her post: obesity steals. Obesity steals from us. It robs us of self-respect and dignity. It robs us of fluid movement and “feeling good” about ourselves. Human beings are meant to move. Our bodies are built to run, jump and play. Yet… being obese doesn’t allow for that.

When I think about my own struggles with obesity… I think of how I allowed myself to get this big. I self-medicated with food. I abused it. And as a result, I lived everyday in punishment of that abuse. Every overindulgence left me physically full but feeling empty. The truth is… I could blame it on processed foods, white sugar, high fructose corn syrup and fast food moguls. It is true that those things are made readily available. But in reality… it all boils down to choice. Fresh veggies, fruits, lean meats and unprocessed foods were always available and affordable. I just chose differently.

I was cleaning out the van the other day and found an old McDonald’s french fry completely intact. In fact, so intact that it appeared fresh and unblemished. There’s something wrong with food if it doesn’t naturally decompose as food is supposed to. And I think to myself…. “I was putting THIS in my body? I was allowing my children to eat THIS?”

Somehow the light bulb continues to get brighter and brighter as I discover all of the ways I was ruining my body with food. My body is a temple… and I had been treating it like a brothel. That’s what obesity does. That is the face of obesity.

So tell me… what has obesity stolen from you?

PS I really encourage those of you who visit my blog to head on over to Bobbie’s blog: Anonymous Fat Girl. She is a wealth of inspiration! When I find myself needing to add more fuel to my fire in the fight against obesity… I go over there and read her blog.

I had a plan at the beginning of summer. As soon as classes ended, my plan was to bike ride like mad everyday and eat *only* grilled veggies, lean meats (also grilled), whole grains, and fruits.

What I found out?

1) Too hot to exercise outside and too many bugs. My comfort-loving self preferred to stay indoors unmarked by mosquito bites.
2) Grilled foods taste great with delectable little sauces that are high in fat, calories and sugar. Don’t ya know?
3) Did I mention the heat? I spent most of my summer feeling absolutely famished after a day out doors. Sweaty wasn’t a good look on me.
4) Daylight Savings time baby! Who can go to bed at a normal time when it’s still light out by 9-10 in the evening? Good thing I don’t live in Alaska. Even though *I* went to bed late… the kids got up with the chickens. Making me — one tired momma.
5) Vacations. Who wants to diet on vacation?

What I should have done:

1) Got out and exercised first thing in the morning or in the early evening. And invested in some good insect repellent. I wouldn’t have been as hot and the bugs would stay away with the insect spray!
2) Found low-fat / low-calorie recipes for sauces if I absolutely had to have them OR left them off the menu and enjoyed the natural taste of grilled food.
3) Kept myself well-hydrated. Keeping yourself well-hydrated makes you feel less-tired and helps control your body’s temperature better.
4) Went to bed at a decent time. Just because it is daylight savings time — doesn’t mean that I need to be a night owl. I could have bought a sleep mask or darker curtains for the bedroom if need-be. Getting 8 hours of sleep leaves us feeling refreshed and ready to take on the day!
5) Vacation is a good time to try new things. But those things should be “in moderation”. Even though a vacation is vastly unplanned (at least mine are), it is always good to stock up on snacks. It is also a good idea to plan meals or scout out restaurant menus with healthy options and plan what you will eat ahead of time.

The summer is not over yet! We still have time to turn our summer excuses in for summer solutions!

And changes? MANY. I think one of my issues in regards to losing weight and keeping it off in the past, is that I didn’t make peace with myself. You see, my world is sometimes very black and white, yes or no, right or wrong. I tried for so long to appear perfect. Maybe I tried so hard to be perfect because I knew that I wasn’t perfect. And my weight was a visual reminder of my imperfection and failures. So I would punish myself with food… yet food was what I used to pacify myself with also. A very vicious cycle.

One thing that has changed tremendously is that I speak up. I am very assertive now. I was not assertive before. I was always so afraid of being labeled a *bitch* or *pushy* and even *disrespectful* or *rude*. So I balled all of my wants, needs and feelings up inside and took on the task of taking care of others and putting their needs before my own. Sometimes I think I thought of it as a noble sacrifice. An act of martyrdom if you will. But really… what was I gaining from all of this? I remember so many times… biting back my feelings… agreeing just to be accepted and then later feeling put out or resentful because I did what others wanted me to do rather than what I wanted to do. I remember feeling drained because it seemed that people always wanted something from me. I remember casting aside boundaries that I should have rightfully put up but didn’t because I didn’t want to be rejected.

I remember dumbing myself down so as not to appear threatening to other people so that I could be accepted. The ironic thing is… while I was certainly accepted, I was made fun of and put down. I was the class clown and not respected at all. But THIS is how I taught people to treat me. And yet… I didn’t think of it like that at the time. I thought I was making friends. But in reality… I was making an ass of myself in the name of acceptance.

Now… I set boundaries (and gladly so). I share what I am thinking whether those thoughts might be deemed rude, pushy, etc. I am truthful but tactful. I am still bubbly, funny, friendly and willing to help anyone. I suppose I have just found my voice and am letting it be heard.

I am becoming the person I have always wanted to be. It is extraordinary and freeing.

What personality changes have you noticed within yourself since you have been on this journey?

I have always firmly believed that when we truly put our best foot forward in life, we feel happy and accomplished. This philosophy applies to weight loss as well. When we are taking care of the thing that bothers us most about our life… health…money… etc. we get to take giant steps forward to get to where we want to be and need to be.

When I take care of myself, I feel happy. I feel accomplished. I feel good about *me*.

If you have a longer journey (100+ pounds to lose or more), then you have figured out that it takes awhile before you visually reap the benefits of getting healthy. That’s why it is so crucial to focus on how you feel. Ask yourself this: When you get a workout in do you feel accomplished and happier? When you make healthy food choices do you feel that you have gained some of your power back?

There have been a few points in my own life where I felt powerless around food. I would self-sabotage in the name of pacification and before I knew it, I would be staring down at the silver lining of an empty chip bag (kind of ironic how a silver-lining isn’t always a good thing. heh.). There was a time when I would purposely order more food than I could eat from a favorite pizza place and manage to eat all of it (even though I started to feel sick somewhere in the middle of eating all of that food). I enjoyed eating alone because then I wouldn’t have to face up to uncomfortable looks or the off-chance of a snide comment. I also enjoyed eating alone because then I didn’t have to hide how much I ate.

I have started to mentally talk to myself when I feel discouraged. Mental pep-talks seem to help a lot! In a frustrated moment I ask myself… “How can I see this differently?” and “When I look back on this later… what is it about this moment that I want to remember? That I gave up on myself or that I pushed through the feelings?”

Revel in the feeling that you are doing something about your weight issues. Whether you have taken the first step or are on the 50th step in your journey…remember that you are doing something about this. You may not be where you want to be yet. But you are doing it.

I did go on my bike ride yesterday as I said I would.  Hubs watched the kids and I went by myself.  I was able to kick out 7.2 miles (1 mile more than I did yesterday).  It was refreshing!  Although, I didn’t really think about anything.  I just let my mind wander and really got into my music.  It was good to be able to go into my own little world.

So this leads me to a couple of questions to any of my fellow moms who may read this:

Do you experience mommy guilt?  If so, how have you been able to get over it for the sake of your journey?

Let me ‘splain.  You see, I am a stay-at-home mom.  I spend 24 hours a day and 365 days a year of my existence with my kids.  I love my kids.  They are my world.  However, I go through phases of mommy-burn-out.  Usually this happens when the mommy-guilt comes on and as a result I stop taking care of myself because I think I am taking something away from my kids by doing so.  (I know what you are thinking…. that’s a good example of Stinkin’ Thinkin’, right?)

The thing is… I am getting over it.  It is not easy to get over (the guilt that is) but at the end of the day I recognize that I need to take care of myself.  If momma ain’t happy ain’t nobody happy.  Know what I mean?  And besides, taking care of myself isn’t selfish.  NOT taking care of myself is very selfish.  But taking care of me is as essential to my family’s daily routine as taking care of them is.

And I see the benefit of this new lifestyle, not only for myself but for my family.  Owen (my oldest), is making very good distinctions between what is healthy and what isn’t.  A few months ago, he might have complained that I only packed him an apple for a snack (instead of some crunchy, sugary stuff with a character on the front of the package).  Now, he is excited about it.

The same thing with exercise.  I was a card-carrying couch potato at one point.  My kids had all of this energy and nowhere to put it because *I* was too tired to do fun things with them.  If I couldn’t fence them in (so that I didn’t have to get up, naturally) then I didn’t want any part of the activity.  Now, we go places. We go for walks, bike rides and to the park.  I want to be as active as possible.

Knowing that I am including my family in this is refreshing and makes me happy.  Including them as much as I can (but not so much that I can’t concentrate on myself when I need to) is the sword that cuts the guilt.  We all need to preserve ourselves sometimes and that is OK.

My AHA! Moment of the day:  I always thought that if I did for myself and not for others then that would make me a bad person.  But I realize that I need to do for myself otherwise I won’t be good for others.  And that I am a good person regardless.

Now tell me… do you have any weird tales about your scale?  How do you get over your mommy guilt?

I have to be honest. Until I started this journey, I didn’t have a lot of resources. It was a struggle to get up everyday and get the things done that needed to get done.

Things that are seemingly not a big deal for everyone else to accomplish, were definitely a big deal for me. For example, having a messy house to clean is not a big feat for some. However, for me, it was overwhelming. Going grocery shopping was overwhelming. Picking my son up for school on the days where I would rather hole up inside the house was overwhelming.  Being 320 pounds was overwhelming.

The more overwhelmed I got, the more my energy depleted, the more I hated myself, the more depressed I became. I felt incapable and hopeless.

It’s never a good thing when you start to lose hope. It’s never a good thing when you feel in your heart that life will *always* be like this for you.

But then that day came, where I hit the proverbial “rock bottom” and realized that if I didn’t love myself enough to make a fresh start, then I should at the very least love my children enough to do it.  And so I did.  Initially, my kids were my driving force.  When I started to think about giving up, I thought about them.  It killed me to think that I may not be here for them in the future because of the poor choices I had made.  Because of that, I pushed myself to go the distance.

Something happened along the way and I began to want it for myself.  It has been a long time since I have wanted something for myself.  It’s a nice feeling actually.  For a long time, it seemed I was more than content to sit on the sidelines and watch everyone else succeed and enjoy life.  For a long time, I was content on being everyone else’s cute-but-fat cheerleader.

Being fat and depressed took up a lot of my resources.  So much so that I used up whatever of the left over resources I had for others.  I saved nothing for myself.  I didn’t feel like I deserved it.  I was fat and I was punishing myself for being fat… for being less-than-perfect in a society that will rip you down to shreds if you aren’t their version of “normal”.

I did not realize then that in punishing myself I was actually continuing the harmful cycle.  I thought I deserved to suffer.

Now i’m standing here today and life is like a breath of fresh air!  The fog that had been clouding around me for so long finally dissipated and I can see CLEARLY if not for the first time in a long time.

Bobbie mentioned in one of her posts, that her trainer said that we live in a microwave society.  It’s SO true!  Losing weight, especially when you have 50-100+ pounds to lose, is truly a journey.  One that we don’t get to just simply by eating our way there.  Food certainly factors in, but it is so much complicated than that.  In order to give this your best shot, you have to mentally prepare yourself to get there.  You have to save some of those resources for yourself.

In the end, you have to REALIZE that YOU ARE worth it.

And you know what?  I am worth it.  I am more than worth it.

Now, I have never had Gastric Bypass Surgery (I have taken weight loss supplements though–). However, I do know at least 5 people who have had it.  Two of the five were sisters that I went to school with (they were a few grades below me and were in my brother’s class).  Both grew up obese and were passed over by boys, sometimes friends, etc.  In my opinion, they were sweet girls.  They had good singing vocals and a lot to offer.  But I could tell they never saw it.

Bring us to the present.  Both girls had Gastric Bypass surgery at the same time.  They both hit their goal weights and looked fantastic.  One girl gained a bit back and is now at a more comfortable weight for her.  The other, is skinny skinny.

I had an opportunity to talk to them at my best friend’s wedding last summer (I was the Maid of Honor).  The younger of the two was doing very well.  She got married, has one daughter and is the same friendly person that I knew her to be.

The other one however, lost all sense of class that she had.  She actually sauntered up to me and another gal at the reception and said… “I’m going to stand over here by the FAT girls!”

I wasn’t offended by her pointing out that I was fat.  Because I AM fat.  But what she said next absolutely broke my heart.  She said… “Deep down inside I am still fat.  I still see myself as the girl I was in high school.”

She brought a date to the reception but made out with almost every guy there (and ended up dateless halfway through the reception because of it).  And she was sloppy drunk the whole time.

I am not writing this down so that I can pass judgment on this girl.  I am writing this down because I think she missed a step in the whole weight-loss journey.

And that step is to “LOVE THYSELF FIRST”.  If you can’t love yourself, if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror and find things to celebrate about yourself as you are NOW.  Then what makes you think that you will love yourself and find things to celebrate about yourself when you are thin?  You have to love who you are now.  No matter what.  Because you are wonderful!

If I can’t love myself just as I am now.  Then I won’t love myself in the future.

You always hear about some of the contestants from those extreme makeover shows and how they *still* see themselves as the “ugly/fat” person they were before all of the plastic surgery and such.  This is because they never made peace with the person they were before.  So there are still unresolved seeds of self-loathing floating around inside.

You have to work on the inside as well as the outside.

Losing weight and being on this journey means that you have to find things within yourself to celebrate.

I used to think that losing weight was going to be this golden ticket that held everything that was good in life.  All I had to do was lose the weight and then BAM!  perfect life.

It doesn’t work that way.  Losing weight makes you thinner, and healthier — yes.  Does it fix problems?  Only health problems.  That is why I say that it is imperative to work on the rest.

When you learn to love yourself, the rest of the journey is that much sweeter.

I am however, back on track now.  I understand why it happened and I am taking strides to make sure I act instead of react going forward.  I am very thankful that I have my head on straight this time and that I am approaching this journey much different than the last attempts at a journey.

Obviously, i’m not at ground zero here (still celebrating the 13 pounds lost! ) but all actions have consequences.  Negative actions have negative consequences.

Here are two things I am going to do at this moment about my 3 pound disadvantage this week:

1)  I’m going to admit it and own it.

2)  I’m not going to beat myself up about it.  Instead, I am going to choose to ACT and put myself back on track.

You see, old Kellie would have beat this horse dead.  I would have berated myself, belittled myself and basically, felt so ashamed that you would not see me on the blogosphere at all.  I would drop out.  Because I would have allowed a huge amount of guilt to bury me.

New Kellie says “Screw that!  I AM worth MORE!”

And that brings me to my next topic; Tiffany at Project 365 has issued a “You are worth more –  challenge!“  Basically, we get out our post-it notes and every day we write down the little victories we had during the day.  And then, we cover our scale with our post-its and skip a weigh-in for the week of the 22nd so that we celebrate the victories we made during the week that are not scale-related but that counted toward making our lives healthier!  Go to her blog and read about the challenge! 

I think Tiffany’s challenge goes to show us that there is more to celebrate on our journeys than just the number on the scale.  Any step we make *AT ALL* is going to help in the long run!  Even if it is something as simple as choosing a parking spot that is further from the office so that you get a little bit of a walk in.

I am all IN on this challenge!  You should join in too!

So that’s where I am at this week.  I had an amazing Monday, and a great start to my Tuesday.  I am back on track and feeling empowered.  I am back where I belong!

I thought about it all day long and couldn’t come up with an answer.  Ironically, I had written a post earlier in the week about falling on the wagon and then made an example of myself by doing just that… falling on the wagon!

It wasn’t a premeditated thing.  I didn’t think about it first.  It just happened.  But why did it happen?

The “whys” are questions I find myself searching for every step of the way on this journey.  Because I know that at the end of the day it is IMPERATIVE that I understand why I make certain choices.  If I don’t understand it, then I won’t know how to fix it.  And then my whole journey will be a bunch of Pete and Repeat steps.  If you know what I mean.

So today, I was really in a state of introspective.  I searched inside of myself so that I could find the answer as to why I had fallen on the wagon.  Especially on a week where I did really good weigh-in wise!

And I came to *this* conclusion while reading one of my favorite blogs:

I fell on the wagon because everything didn’t go exactly according to *my* schedule.  A lot of wonky stuff happened in between that I didn’t plan on.  So when things happened like spraining my ankle, my house being in disarray, forgetting to buy certain staple foods, etc. it sort of threw me off kilter.

I should have celebrated the fact that despite the lack of exercise I obtained, I did very well food wise.  Or even celebrating the fact that I did workout at least 2 days out of the week (which is way more than I did before I started the journey).

Had I celebrated my mini-successes this week in spite of it all, then I wouldn’t have gotten so upset with myself and the “lack of schedule” for the week.

And in a way, I jinxed myself because I realize that in NOT celebrating my mini-successes, I started to succumb to the “all or nothing at all” ‘tude that I figured out hadn’t worked for me in the past.

It is very eye-opening how some things can masquerade as other things and then when you figure it out in the end, it all comes full circle.  It’s like emotional algebra; a+b=c.

So that is it in a nutshell.  My AHA! moment for the week!

What was your AHA! moment this week?