Archive for the ‘Deep thoughts’ Category

For as long as I can remember, I defined myself by my appearance. If I had a “fat” day, then I felt down, depressed and angry about myself and the world around me. If I had a “cute” day, then I felt good about myself and everything seemed to fall into place. In my world, Fat = bad and Cute = good. Over and over again, I let each of those words define me. I allowed my outward appearance to consume me.

When I didn’t wear makeup or have my hair done up all cute, I felt unkempt and naked. Because every aspect of my life hung on my appearance.

Lightening struck me this year (well… figuratively speaking). I realized that for the last (almost) 30 years, I had been letting the wrong notions and attitudes guide me. I defined my self-worth not on my intelligence, wit, or compassion but rather by my dress size — the number on the scale — my “male attention” factor. Now I get it. I now realize that I was so misguided back then.

You see– I didn’t love myself. Not even a little. I loved the person that I aspired to be but I did not love the person I already was. Because my intelligence, wit and compassion was buried under my excess weight. Every sentence in my mind seemed to start with … “When I lose this weight I am finally going to…”. In reality, I should have been trying to do those things regardless of how much I weighed.

I realized this past year, that if I died tomorrow, I would die with tons of regrets. I held myself back because of my appearance. I didn’t have enough faith in myself. I always felt that people wouldn’t take the time to get past the exterior so why show them the interior? But all of this was preconceived. I should have pushed past it.

I digress. Beating myself up about things that happened yesterday… or rather… things that should have happened yesterday is completely moot. What matters is today. Maybe it is because I am starting to feel the power in turning 30, maybe I am strapping the “woman” tag into my self-definition or the fact that I have three children and a husband (and I pay my taxes too darn it), but I am casting the cloak of unworthiness aside. I am allowing myself to be the person I always was inside regardless of whether or not my body is “there yet”. Everyday I realize that I *am* beautiful and that I am becoming healthier and strong-minded.

In my world now…outward appearance is merely in the seat of the court jester. Content of character is king.

I have had the privilege of reading some incredibly insightful blog posts this week.  Reading these posts have helped open up some answers to questions I had or helped me reflect on where I am and where I was.

Bobbie @ Anonymous Fat Girl had a really good post today on how her journey hasn’t been all about the scale.  And that she will post weigh-ins if they are significant but otherwise doesn’t want to base her life or her journey around the scale.  It’s a really good post and I encourage everyone to read it!

After reading her post, I pondered about my own relationship with the scale.  I have been a bit scale-obsessed lately.  I weigh in every day or every other day.  Somewhere in my mind I have it that if I don’t keep intense track of the scale then I will lose track of it and get off-path.  I realize that it is more involved than that.  I am practicing simplicity.

Every week I worry about weighing in.  Will I lose?  Will I gain?  And I hate that I allow that damn number to dictate my mood for the day.  I am obsessed with getting down to 290 but not so obsessed that I wear myself out dieting.  I’m actually taking everything one step at a time… one day at a time… one moment at a time.

So maybe it’s time for me to step off the scale for awhile.

I actually found a rather helpful article at SparkPeople.com entitled “4 Signs It’s Time to Step Off The Scale“.

They list the 4 signs as:

1)  Constantly worrying about weighing in

2)  Weigh-in more than once a day

3)  You can recite your weight to the nearest fraction at all times.

4)  The scale determines how you feel about yourself for the day.

So yeah. I think I might need a bit of a break. Maybe for a week or two.

Are you scale obsessed? How many times do you weigh yourself during the week if at all?

Once upon a time, I could go into any store and find clothes.  I felt healthy.  I felt good about myself.  I felt feminine and attractive and worth it.

In 2002, I made a pact with myself.  I was *going* to lose the weight and get down to a healthy normal size.  My goal weight back then was 150.

I worked hard and ate very little.  I minimized the amount of carbs I took in everyday.  I allowed myself 3 or 4 pieces of whole wheat bread a day.  The rest of my diet consisted of fruit, steamed veggies, egg beaters, low-fat cheese and chicken breast.  For 3 months, I pretty much ate the same thing day in and day out.

I rode my bike 14 miles a day- 5 to 6 days a week (the bike rides lasted an hour a piece).  I woke up at the butt-crack of dawn to stretch, do situps and workout my arms (the routine lasted 20 minutes).

I drank green tea and water by the gallons.  I went to bed around 8:30.  I was disciplined.  I felt strong and in control.

I also isolated myself.  I didn’t have a phone (I didn’t want distractions).  I didn’t have plans with anyone for the first month and a half.  I was very much focused on losing weight.  I managed to lose 65 pounds in one summer.

Then, I met my husband.  Even though I continued to lose, once we got to a comfortable and committed spot, I started losing my quest to become healthy.  I lost site of my 150-pound goal.  I was comfortable at 165.  But then, 165 became 180 and then 185 and finally 190.  A month after we got engaged, I knew that I needed to start losing weight again.  After all, I wanted the perfect wedding day and that included being the perfect size.  And then, a couple of months after the engagement, I found out I was pregnant.  And well… i’m sure you can imagine the rest.

When I was done with my first pregnancy, I lost 50 pounds from delivery to the first month.  At 9 months preggers I weighed 265 pounds.  At my two-week checkup I found out that I lost 38 pounds and weighed in at 227.  My doctor was impressed.  He told me I should have no problem losing the weight.  And I wouldn’t have had problems if I would have persevered and kept going.

Once I went back to work, I was entrenched in the everyday hustle and bustle.  I tried to balance a job I didn’t love and parenting (something I loved dearly!).  I had a lot of new stresses and old stresses.  Instead of looking for a healthy way to combat the stress I allowed it to consume me.  I had a husband and a son so I wasn’t alone.  Who cared how much I weighed?  I felt very much in control (even though control is the last thing I would have ever described me back then, looking at it now).

Why did I gain the weight back when it felt so good to be smaller?

I think it’s because I didn’t do my homework.  When I did all of this the first time, all I had was time to myself.  I didn’t have much stress because I didn’t have a lot going on in my life.  I needed something to do with all of that time… so I spent it working on myself.  As the pounds fell off, I felt lighter in many ways.  I had more of myself to give to others.  I had more energy and more drive.  My thinking was so clear.

My goal at that time should have been to figure out who I was and what I wanted out of life.  I didn’t do that.  I didn’t take the time to enjoy just being young and single.  I wanted a husband.  I wanted a family.   Because those are things that were familiar and comfortable to me.  I came from a close family and parents who loved one another deeply.  I wanted that for myself.  And I knew that losing weight and becoming physically appealing was the only way to ensure that I wouldn’t be alone.

If I had done my homework and dug deep back then…. if I would have made peace with myself, then I believe I would be in a different place today (physically and mentally).

So that is why this time is different.  This time, I am doing my homework.  I am digging deeper than I thought I could.  I have a hunger for challenge and success.  I will not give up until I reach my goal weight this time.  I WILL know what 150 pounds feels like.

I would like to thank Tony @ the Anti-Jared for his insightful post this morning.  It really made me think about why I gained all of my weight back the first time and what it is that I can do differently to ensure that doesn’t happen this time.