Archive for the ‘Deep thoughts’ Category

My grandpa died from a form of Mesothelioma on September 17, 2001. It was a sad day. We knew that he had lung cancer three months prior to his death.

Six months after he died, something within me awoke. At first, I felt so devastated that he was gone. I was sad, depressed, and self-medicated with food. He was the glue that held our family together.

But then, six months later, I realized that I needed to take charge of my life and of my health. Toward the end of spring, I got my first apartment. Thereafter, I began a journey to better health. And because of it, I lost 70 pounds.

When I started writing this post, I used my Bell internet device.  It’s a plug-and-play USB device that allows you to put a sim card from your cell phone in and use the internet virtually anywhere!   Having said that… I wrote some of this post parked at the beach (too cold to swim…however, the frozen waves are still inspiring!)

Yesterday’s pity party for one was canceled on account of sunshine.  I admit, I was singing the blues for a moment there.  Thankfully my naturally optimistic and sunny personality perked right back up again.  The remedy?  I took the kids for a ride in the car.  Cranked my buzz ballads CD way up (I love alternative music) and rocked out to Semi-Charmed Life by Eve 6.  It kind of makes me giggle a bit when my 2 year old starts belting out “Lightening Crashes” by Live.  And yeah… my kids breakout in song everywhere.  We’ll be in the middle of a grocery store and out of the blue the other shoppers are treated to my kids’ rendition of  Twinkle Twinkle Little Star or yes… even “Lightening Crashes” by Live.

Anyway, with my mental space back in a good place, I *almost* came back on my blog to write something overwhelmingly positive.  It’s kind of like I wanted to blot out the negativity.  That’s the kind of thinking I have been engaged in for years though.  I would take a bad moment and devalue those feelings of mine.  Inside I would call myself silly and stupid and selfish.  But you know what?  Those feelings I had yesterday were valid.  And I can’t continue to numb myself.  That’s what I have been doing for years.  Striving to make everything on the outside look as sunny as possible even if I was in pain on the inside.  I wouldn’t allow myself to give validity to those feelings.  And since I didn’t allow myself that, I ate away the pain to continue to keep the feelings stuffed down to a more comfortable level.

So, I acknowledged that I had those feelings.  I acknowledged that for a moment I was kind of sad.  What’s more, I allowed myself to be okay with it.

Does that mean I dwell?  Nope.  Not even a little.  It means that I had a down moment and I dealt with it without punishing myself for it (i.e. wrecking my diet, not working out, etc.).  And now, I have moved on.  Because moving on and moving forward is exactly the needed remedy.  If I try to ignore it, it won’t go away.  A problem that starts out as a whisper is soon a screaming, yelling maniac if ignored.  So I acknowledged it, dealt with it and moved on from it.  I didn’t even wreck my diet or my day.

Tiny steps.  That is what this whole thing is comprised of.  Because I am a firm believer that no one gets it right all of the time.  I know I haven’t.  But we continue and persevere and try.  Tiny steps.

I envision this journey to better health to be like biking up a hill.  The first part of it is tough.  It’s steep, a rhythm hasn’t been established yet and it’s hard work.  But then, mid-hill stuff gets a little easier.  If we come across an obstacle, our body and mind is in a good place to overcome it.  We switch gears if we need to.  Getting to the top of the hill is not when we hit goal but rather it is when we get to a point where we have overcome most of our demons and are now seasoned vets at keeping ourselves inline.

Going down the hill on the last leg of the journey is easy.  We are prepared and we move at lightening speed.  At least, that’s how I picture it.

Each part of the journey, each tiny step we take leads to results.  And we need to acknowledge the results even if they do not come in the form of a good number on the scale.  Know what I mean?

What victories did you have this week?

We are moving forward slowly with the house.  Monday marks the day of our inspections and then we’ll see from there.  The short sale is moving along and I am happy and surprised but also trying not to get too excited–yet.  We have been here before and before it has always ended on a sour note.  It has been 5 years since we started looking for a home.  After multiple offers and multiple reasons that those deals fell through, I am hoping that this one is golden.  But who knows.  I live by Murphy’s Law.

Honestly, even though there is so much on the horizon.  I feel like i’m a little stalled.  Going to the gym was my way of being able to be out of the house for a couple of hours every day.  Because I am a full time college student, full time business owner and full time stay-at-home mom, I find myself in the house most of the time.  The walls start to close in on me and I feel trapped.  I normally do not feel this way in the spring and summer so I know that it is the state of the season that leaves me feeling this way.  So I find that I really have to push myself right now to workout.  Going to the gym every day was super easy for me.  Being in the house and having to exercise, eh… not so much.  Weird eh?

I am reminding myself that this is temporary.  I have been keeping up with my exercising and have been really on track with the eating.  But even I admit to myself that going to the gym every day left me feeling like I had a full life.  Which is kind of ironic since I am a really busy person regardless of whether or not I go to the gym.  Know what I mean?

On the upside, I am really proud of myself for losing 10 pounds in one month!  All of my hard work and perseverance has paid off.  Leaving me more than sure that I will be able to reach my goal of being 100 pounds down by the end of this year! 

Alright question time.

How do you guys deal with the winter season?  Does the lack of sunshine and being more housebound have an effect on your overall attitude?  Or is it just me?  What do you think?