For as long as I can remember, I defined myself by my appearance. If I had a “fat” day, then I felt down, depressed and angry about myself and the world around me. If I had a “cute” day, then I felt good about myself and everything seemed to fall into place. In my world, Fat = bad and Cute = good. Over and over again, I let each of those words define me. I allowed my outward appearance to consume me.

When I didn’t wear makeup or have my hair done up all cute, I felt unkempt and naked. Because every aspect of my life hung on my appearance.

Lightening struck me this year (well… figuratively speaking). I realized that for the last (almost) 30 years, I had been letting the wrong notions and attitudes guide me. I defined my self-worth not on my intelligence, wit, or compassion but rather by my dress size — the number on the scale — my “male attention” factor. Now I get it. I now realize that I was so misguided back then.

You see– I didn’t love myself. Not even a little. I loved the person that I aspired to be but I did not love the person I already was. Because my intelligence, wit and compassion was buried under my excess weight. Every sentence in my mind seemed to start with … “When I lose this weight I am finally going to…”. In reality, I should have been trying to do those things regardless of how much I weighed.

I realized this past year, that if I died tomorrow, I would die with tons of regrets. I held myself back because of my appearance. I didn’t have enough faith in myself. I always felt that people wouldn’t take the time to get past the exterior so why show them the interior? But all of this was preconceived. I should have pushed past it.

I digress. Beating myself up about things that happened yesterday… or rather… things that should have happened yesterday is completely moot. What matters is today. Maybe it is because I am starting to feel the power in turning 30, maybe I am strapping the “woman” tag into my self-definition or the fact that I have three children and a husband (and I pay my taxes too darn it), but I am casting the cloak of unworthiness aside. I am allowing myself to be the person I always was inside regardless of whether or not my body is “there yet”. Everyday I realize that I *am* beautiful and that I am becoming healthier and strong-minded.

In my world now…outward appearance is merely in the seat of the court jester. Content of character is king.

I have had the privilege of reading some incredibly insightful blog posts this week.  Reading these posts have helped open up some answers to questions I had or helped me reflect on where I am and where I was.

Bobbie @ Anonymous Fat Girl had a really good post today on how her journey hasn’t been all about the scale.  And that she will post weigh-ins if they are significant but otherwise doesn’t want to base her life or her journey around the scale.  It’s a really good post and I encourage everyone to read it!

After reading her post, I pondered about my own relationship with the scale.  I have been a bit scale-obsessed lately.  I weigh in every day or every other day.  Somewhere in my mind I have it that if I don’t keep intense track of the scale then I will lose track of it and get off-path.  I realize that it is more involved than that.  I am practicing simplicity.

Every week I worry about weighing in.  Will I lose?  Will I gain?  And I hate that I allow that damn number to dictate my mood for the day.  I am obsessed with getting down to 290 but not so obsessed that I wear myself out dieting.  I’m actually taking everything one step at a time… one day at a time… one moment at a time.

So maybe it’s time for me to step off the scale for awhile.

I actually found a rather helpful article at SparkPeople.com entitled “4 Signs It’s Time to Step Off The Scale“.

They list the 4 signs as:

1)  Constantly worrying about weighing in

2)  Weigh-in more than once a day

3)  You can recite your weight to the nearest fraction at all times.

4)  The scale determines how you feel about yourself for the day.

So yeah. I think I might need a bit of a break. Maybe for a week or two.

Are you scale obsessed? How many times do you weigh yourself during the week if at all?

In 2002, I made a pact with myself.  I was *going* to lose the weight and get down to a healthy normal size.  My goal weight back then was 150.

I worked hard and ate very little.  I minimized the amount of carbs I took in everyday.  I allowed myself 3 or 4 pieces of whole wheat bread a day.  The rest of my diet consisted of fruit, steamed veggies, egg beaters, low-fat cheese and chicken breast.  For 3 months, I pretty much ate the same thing day in and day out.

I rode my bike 14 miles a day- 5 to 6 days a week (the bike rides lasted an hour a piece).  I woke up at the butt-crack of dawn to stretch, do situps and workout my arms (the routine lasted 20 minutes).

I drank green tea and water by the gallons.  I went to bed around 8:30.  I was disciplined.  I felt strong and in control.

I also isolated myself.  I didn’t have a phone (I didn’t want distractions).  I didn’t have plans with anyone for the first month and a half.  I was very much focused on losing weight.  I managed to lose 65 pounds in one summer.

Then, I met my husband.  Even though I continued to lose, once we got to a comfortable and committed spot, I started losing my quest to become healthy.  I lost site of my 150-pound goal.  I was comfortable at 165.  But then, 165 became 180 and then 185 and finally 190.  A month after we got engaged, I knew that I needed to start losing weight again.  After all, I wanted the perfect wedding day and that included being the perfect size.  And then, a couple of months after the engagement, I found out I was pregnant.  And well… i’m sure you can imagine the rest.

When I was done with my first pregnancy, I lost 50 pounds from delivery to the first month.  At 9 months preggers I weighed 265 pounds.  At my two-week checkup I found out that I lost 38 pounds and weighed in at 227.  My doctor was impressed.  He told me I should have no problem losing the weight.  And I wouldn’t have had problems if I would have persevered and kept going.

Once I went back to work, I was entrenched in the everyday hustle and bustle.  I tried to balance a job I didn’t love and parenting (something I loved dearly!).  I had a lot of new stresses and old stresses.  Instead of looking for a healthy way to combat the stress I allowed it to consume me.  I had a husband and a son so I wasn’t alone.  Who cared how much I weighed?  I felt very much in control (even though control is the last thing I would have ever described me back then, looking at it now).

Why did I gain the weight back when it felt so good to be smaller?

I think it’s because I didn’t do my homework.  When I did all of this the first time, all I had was time to myself.  I didn’t have much stress because I didn’t have a lot going on in my life.  I needed something to do with all of that time… so I spent it working on myself.  As the pounds fell off, I felt lighter in many ways.  I had more of myself to give to others.  I had more energy and more drive.  My thinking was so clear.

My goal at that time should have been to figure out who I was and what I wanted out of life.  I didn’t do that.  I didn’t take the time to enjoy just being young and single.  I wanted a husband.  I wanted a family.   Because those are things that were familiar and comfortable to me.  I came from a close family and parents who loved one another deeply.  I wanted that for myself.  And I knew that losing weight and becoming physically appealing was the only way to ensure that I wouldn’t be alone.

If I had done my homework and dug deep back then…. if I would have made peace with myself, then I believe I would be in a different place today (physically and mentally).

So that is why this time is different.  This time, I am doing my homework.  I am digging deeper than I thought I could.  I have a hunger for challenge and success.  I will not give up until I reach my goal weight this time.  I WILL know what 150 pounds feels like.

I would like to thank Tony @ the Anti-Jared for his insightful post this morning.  It really made me think about why I gained all of my weight back the first time and what it is that I can do differently to ensure that doesn’t happen this time.

I bought Fiberone capsules with the anti-oxidants. I have also found a protein powder that I like (time to start making the green monsters!). And in addition to all of that I have started taking the Juice Festiv (fruit and veggie) supplements again. I’m now going to write down how I feel taking the supplements and research the ingredients. I am so afraid of taking something that turns out to be monumentally bad for me. Know what I mean? So I think this will be the best way.

The week has been a little chilly weather-wise, but I have been able to take a few walks. Plus, we are still moving in, so I know I am expending those calories!

And last but not least, I started journaling my food choices again. I haven’t been writing things down for the past 3-4 weeks and I can tell that it has made a difference. I felt more on track when I had a visual of my daily food lists and caloric intake.

Got an instant life insurance quote online today. I’m trying to see if perhaps I can save us some money. Saving money is always good!

And speaking of insurance…

I have been listening to the new national health care plan that was passed, and i’m not sure I like it. In fact, it kind of scares me because I question as to whether or not it will be truly affordable. And how will the government run this? They suck at running the programs that are already established, so i’m not sure they will be any more efficient running a national health care plan. But that’s just my opinion. For now, it is giving me more drive to take complete control over my own health in the best way possible.

Have an amazing weekend everyone!

Does anyone remember that movie “Vision Quest”? It was a 1980s film starring Matthew Modine and Linda Florentino.

I have actually seen it a couple of times. The first time I came upon it, I thought it was a Lifetime network sort of film that addressed male anorexia. Obviously I caught the scenes where he denied himself food (what I didn’t know at the time was that there was a reason for it — non-anorexia related). I kind of rolled my eyes and turned the television off then.

A few years later, I happened to see a promo for it on TNT. The promo caught my eye as well as the title of the movie. I watched the whole thing. It wasn’t bad! There were some parts of the movie where I was inspired by his relentless perseverance and others where I just wanted him to eat a sandwich and get the girl.

You see, it is as though he had blinders on. The kind of blinders that horses wear in order to block their peripheral vision so that they continue down the path they are supposed to without any visual interference that might hinder their journey. Matthew Modine’s character was the same way. He denied himself food, sex and anything else that hinder his progress or sway him from meeting his ultimate goal.

Oddly enough, when I started this back in December, I figuratively put *my* blinders on.   The only thing I could see was getting to my goal.  At the time, everything was so consistent and predictable.  I found that I *could* shift my focus to my health.

Things have changed up a bit since then and I find that I crave having blinders on.  I crave having a one-on-one session with myself at the gym.  I know that I will be able to get back to that but in the meantime I am fighting like hell to stay on whatever track I can.  Right now, it is a day-by-day thing.

I guess my point is, blinders on or not, I am still on this vision quest.  I am still excited about the progress I am making, even if that progress only consists of teeny-tiny steps at a time.  I am glad that I had that short time to focus only on myself because it has allowed my mind to open up and for me to start making conscious decisions about my health, my self-confidence and my life.

If I can still be successful on this journey while enduring the amount of stress and upsets that I have had over the past few weeks and *STILL* be excited about the process and *STILL* be excited about life and the ever after… then quite frankly…  ANYONE can.

With that said, do you feel that you are on a vision quest?  Have there been times during your journey that you have had your blinders on?  Did you like the feeling?

I am working on the health part. This is certainly making me happy! I just know that the hot car part is not too far away. Of course, it will have to be something that we get once the kids are all grown up and moved out of the house.

What are you working toward as you age?

Six months after he died, something within me awoke. At first, I felt so devastated that he was gone. I was sad, depressed, and self-medicated with food. He was the glue that held our family together.

But then, six months later, I realized that I needed to take charge of my life and of my health. Toward the end of spring, I got my first apartment. Thereafter, I began a journey to better health. And because of it, I lost 70 pounds.

When I started writing this post, I used my Bell internet device.  It’s a plug-and-play USB device that allows you to put a sim card from your cell phone in and use the internet virtually anywhere!   Having said that… I wrote some of this post parked at the beach (too cold to swim…however, the frozen waves are still inspiring!)

Yesterday’s pity party for one was canceled on account of sunshine.  I admit, I was singing the blues for a moment there.  Thankfully my naturally optimistic and sunny personality perked right back up again.  The remedy?  I took the kids for a ride in the car.  Cranked my buzz ballads CD way up (I love alternative music) and rocked out to Semi-Charmed Life by Eve 6.  It kind of makes me giggle a bit when my 2 year old starts belting out “Lightening Crashes” by Live.  And yeah… my kids breakout in song everywhere.  We’ll be in the middle of a grocery store and out of the blue the other shoppers are treated to my kids’ rendition of  Twinkle Twinkle Little Star or yes… even “Lightening Crashes” by Live.

Anyway, with my mental space back in a good place, I *almost* came back on my blog to write something overwhelmingly positive.  It’s kind of like I wanted to blot out the negativity.  That’s the kind of thinking I have been engaged in for years though.  I would take a bad moment and devalue those feelings of mine.  Inside I would call myself silly and stupid and selfish.  But you know what?  Those feelings I had yesterday were valid.  And I can’t continue to numb myself.  That’s what I have been doing for years.  Striving to make everything on the outside look as sunny as possible even if I was in pain on the inside.  I wouldn’t allow myself to give validity to those feelings.  And since I didn’t allow myself that, I ate away the pain to continue to keep the feelings stuffed down to a more comfortable level.

So, I acknowledged that I had those feelings.  I acknowledged that for a moment I was kind of sad.  What’s more, I allowed myself to be okay with it.

Does that mean I dwell?  Nope.  Not even a little.  It means that I had a down moment and I dealt with it without punishing myself for it (i.e. wrecking my diet, not working out, etc.).  And now, I have moved on.  Because moving on and moving forward is exactly the needed remedy.  If I try to ignore it, it won’t go away.  A problem that starts out as a whisper is soon a screaming, yelling maniac if ignored.  So I acknowledged it, dealt with it and moved on from it.  I didn’t even wreck my diet or my day.

Tiny steps.  That is what this whole thing is comprised of.  Because I am a firm believer that no one gets it right all of the time.  I know I haven’t.  But we continue and persevere and try.  Tiny steps.

I envision this journey to better health to be like biking up a hill.  The first part of it is tough.  It’s steep, a rhythm hasn’t been established yet and it’s hard work.  But then, mid-hill stuff gets a little easier.  If we come across an obstacle, our body and mind is in a good place to overcome it.  We switch gears if we need to.  Getting to the top of the hill is not when we hit goal but rather it is when we get to a point where we have overcome most of our demons and are now seasoned vets at keeping ourselves inline.

Going down the hill on the last leg of the journey is easy.  We are prepared and we move at lightening speed.  At least, that’s how I picture it.

Each part of the journey, each tiny step we take leads to results.  And we need to acknowledge the results even if they do not come in the form of a good number on the scale.  Know what I mean?

What victories did you have this week?

Honestly, even though there is so much on the horizon.  I feel like i’m a little stalled.  Going to the gym was my way of being able to be out of the house for a couple of hours every day.  Because I am a full time college student, full time business owner and full time stay-at-home mom, I find myself in the house most of the time.  The walls start to close in on me and I feel trapped.  I normally do not feel this way in the spring and summer so I know that it is the state of the season that leaves me feeling this way.  So I find that I really have to push myself right now to workout.  Going to the gym every day was super easy for me.  Being in the house and having to exercise, eh… not so much.  Weird eh?

I am reminding myself that this is temporary.  I have been keeping up with my exercising and have been really on track with the eating.  But even I admit to myself that going to the gym every day left me feeling like I had a full life.  Which is kind of ironic since I am a really busy person regardless of whether or not I go to the gym.  Know what I mean?

On the upside, I am really proud of myself for losing 10 pounds in one month!  All of my hard work and perseverance has paid off.  Leaving me more than sure that I will be able to reach my goal of being 100 pounds down by the end of this year! 

Alright question time.

How do you guys deal with the winter season?  Does the lack of sunshine and being more housebound have an effect on your overall attitude?  Or is it just me?  What do you think?

A couple of months before I found out that I was pregnant for the very first time, I found the perfect pair of jeans.  I was meandering in Old Navy one day back in 2003, and found this really cute pair of jeans.  They were a size 14 and a little bit big, but the fit was perfect.  They hugged my rear end just right to give me an apple-bottom.  They slimmed my thighs and had just the right amount of flair at the bottom to make my walking boots look amazing.  The perfect pair of jeans, y’all!

Then, I found out I was pregnant and started eating for two.  They always tell you that “you are eating for two” but really they mean that you only need about 300 extra calories a day.  I took the phrase literally and started eating for two adults.  So my perfect pair of jeans no longer fit when I was about 3 months in to my pregnancy.  And so I had to retire them, even though I had only worn them a couple of times.

Every year, I go through my clothing and give away a bunch of it.  If I haven’t worn it in forever, then it should go to someone who can use it.  That’s my philosophy.

Every year I come across those jeans and something inside just wouldn’t let me give them away.  I kept telling myself that I *would* get back into them again.  And that dream didn’t even come close to fruition until now.  I can’t fit into them yet, but I will.

This afternoon I was thinking about them as I was doing my workout.  I kept thinking about how good it would feel to be able to slip them on over my hips and button and zip them up comfortably.  Just the thought of them gave me an extra push forward.  And then I thought about all of the cute shirts that I could buy to go with them.  And of course, get myself a new leather jacket.  Leather jackets are awesome.

This is a big deal for me because for so long (ever since I gained all of this weight) I have stayed away from shopping for myself.  I wouldn’t allow it.  I would punish myself for being so overweight.  And sometimes I was in denial and would not want to move up to the next size.  Plus, when you are 300+ pounds, shopping is just not fun anymore.  You have to shop in the special plus-sized department.  And even though they are getting better at making cute fashions for plus-sized gals like myself, there is still that stigma that heavy chicks like to wear tents.

So, the day I get to put those jeans on will not be the day I hit goal, but it will be a day where I can feel like I *did it!*.

What is the one thing you are looking forward to being able to do or wear on your journey?