Irony:  There are so many weight loss tools and methodologies available, yet we’re nearing the highest percentage of obesity in the United States of all time.

I was speaking with a friend of mine who had weight loss surgery about a year and a half ago.  She said that she recently realized that the surgery was really a tool and not a cure-all.  She continues to struggle to lose the last 50 pounds as her body has settled into the comfort zone.  She looks amazing though and works hard to maintain her loss to date.

Her story has put some of the random thoughts floating around in my head about long-term weight loss– into context for me.  Weight Watchers, the YMCA, weight loss surgery, weight loss methodologies, etc are all just tools and NOT cures.

The only cure for obesity that we really have resides in obtaining the mental fortitude to turn the want into change.  If we don’t want to change our patterns and behaviors; if we don’t want to change our lives, then no tool will be able to help us (no matter how AWESOME said tool(s) may be).

Taking it one step further (and as an example):  alcoholism is an addiction-based affliction (very similar to food addiction).  Alcoholics have to first realize that they have a problem before anything else.  Once they realize they have a problem — they have to want to change (you can recognize that you have a problem and still not care to change it).  Then, steps are taken where they surround themselves with a support system (first and foremost) and like-minded individuals and they follow everything one day at a time and one step at a time.

Putting all of the above into context for myself, I realize that for someone like me — it is not enough to just have available tools.  The want has to be there as well.

I was inspired to write this excerpt from Dr. J’s recent article entitled “You Have To Want To:  A Free eBook on Weightloss“.  If you haven’t read the article or Dr. J’s blog, I highly recommend it!  He is able to offer wisdom, truth and tools as it pertains to weight loss.

There is no snow on the horizon; for the first time in about 20 years, I will experience a green Christmas!

I am off from school until after New Year’s, so I am taking this time to catch up on some entertainment-reading.  I have made it my mission to start reading some of the classic American novels.  I remember enjoying my high school English class because of the classic novels we had to read.  One of my favorites — Animal Farm by George Orwell was like politics 101 for me (well in a way) and I loved it!  I am currently reading “The Secret Garden” by Frances Hodgson Burnett.

Other than that, I have been prepping and watching sappy Hallmark Movie Channel Christmas movies.  Lots of warm fuzzies going on over here.

How is your holiday shaping up?  Is everything pretty much done or are you still doing some last-minute prep?

I am always looking to tap into the wisdom of others. We can all learn from each other and help guide one another. I have found so much inspiration and wisdom not only from these authors but also from weightloss bloggers!

Do you have an e-reader? If so, what is the best ereader in your opinion? Have you downloaded any materials to help you along on your journey?

I think it’s easy to forget about pampering yourself and taking care of yourself when life happens. While it is easy to forget — I think it is important to remember to take care of yourself and appreciate yourself!

I am sorry that I haven’t written in awhile. I have been enjoying the GORGEOUS weather we have been having!

Last year around this time, I think I was complaining about not enjoying the weather as much as I should have. Simply put, I missed my gym membership and didn’t see how fresh air, sunshine and nature’s workout could compare to the mechanical awesomeness that was the elliptical machine. After all, how did we ever maintain health before gym memberships?

I think I even wrote a post about why people “gain” weight during the summer. Though I now see that as a failed attempt of justifying my slide backwards.

I am telling you folks, this year is a whole different ball game for me! I am giving myself opportunities to create my own “gym” if you will. I call it “nature’s gym”. I walk, ride my bike, swim at the lake, and have committed to yard work (it’s inevitable — yard work that is — but it does take commitment to have a nice yard). Where there is want – there is a way. Right?

Today, my family and I spent 5 hours at the beach. We all swam in the lake, played at the park and took advantage of our surroundings. It was a great day! I am happy, slightly sunburned and tired. The kind of tired that you get from having a full and active day!

I have begun to recognize that I am the leader in my family. I am the key person that decides how our lives will operate. I am the one who sets wheels in motion — like getting healthy, getting educated, etc. Before this year, I don’t think I fully recognized this within me. I am the key man life insurance policy of this family for sure! As a result, we will continue not to just *survive* but to thrive as a family and as individuals.

I came across this quote today:

One definition of insanity is: Doing the same thing again and again and expecting a different result.

How true and wise is this quote?

It took me awhile to figure out that just waking up and enjoying the fact that it is a new day and the *possibility* of success (especially in the weight loss realm since that is my primary focus at the moment) is not enough. Think about it. The knowledge that you *could* do something is far different than actually doing something. As huge as that realization is — the reality is that even the small steps count toward doing something different with the expectation of success. In terms of weight loss this literally could mean something as simple as swapping out your normal daily bowl of sugary cereal in the morning for a banana and a piece of whole wheat toast. However, if you just wake up and get happy for a second that it is a good day to succeed but then don’t actually DO anything to make it happen– this is the definition of insanity.

Other Insane thoughts that sabotage weight loss:

1. Well, I already made a bad choice. I guess today is shot. I’ll keep on eating and then try again tomorrow.
2. I want to lose weight. I’ll start my new diet on Monday.
3. I am going on a diet. (fun fact: Did you know that ‘diet’ is a Greek word that means way of life? Yet all ‘diets’ are mostly temporary instead of lifelong?)
4. I weigh xxx. I hate myself.
5. I can’t believe I didn’t lose any weight this week / I can’t believe I gained ! Screw it. I quit.

Why do we do this to ourselves? Why do we judge ourselves so harshly? Why do we not trust ourselves or respect ourselves enough to follow through? Better yet — why do we think it’s a good idea to chow down another 1500 calories just because we already chowed down 2500 calories? Shouldn’t we take a moment of pause and use that moment to stop ourselves while we’re ahead? I’m no math whiz, but it seems that if we just stopped ourselves for a second and really thought about our choices when we’re having one of those insanity moments — we could save ourselves a lot of pounds and a lot of extra grief in the long run.

I don’t know if the symbolic light bulb is finally shining bright for me or what. But I have been asking a LOT of questions lately about my insane thinking as an overweight person. I have come to realize that half of the things I do to sabotage myself are out of sheer habit. No more no less.

What is your definition of insanity as it applies to your weight loss journey?

“The American Dream” meant that we could have it all — a big family, nice house, nice car, nice things. Many started to buy into the hype and that brings us up to the materialism that was the 80s. Indulge now — pay for it later. Because at the end of the party the piper always gets his one way or another.

It made me think about how life is today in contrast to how life was. For many of us (most of us) in this country, we haven’t had to experience what it is like to want for our basic necessities. Back in 1940 just getting a new pair of shoes or heck even a new pair of shoelaces was a big deal. People had to be more self-reliant and find ingenious ways to get what they needed. Being a self-made man was a birthright. A college education was for rich people. My grandfather actually quit school at the age of 14 so that he could find work to help support his mom and brother after his dad (my great grandfather) died suddenly of a massive heart attack. Back in those days, wasting food was considered a sin because people didn’t have a lot and if they lived through the depression — knew what it meant to go without basic necessities.

It’s not like that today. In our world now, we have at minimum 2 televisions. Most of us have a gaming system, cable television, cell phones, 2 cars (if we’re talking about a family), and more shiny stuff with blinking lights than we can shake a stick at. We are the product of instant gratification. We want it our way and we want it now. If it feels good… do it. Everything has to be bigger, brighter, move faster, and most important — make our lives easier.

So the obesity epidemic (in my humble opinion) is a sign of the times. It’s a sign that we don’t struggle to have our basic needs met. We want to overindulge in everything because it feels good. I am a firm believer that unless you are a monk or Mother Teresa — everyone in this country over indulges on something: alcohol, drugs, food, spending, etc.

But are we happier? 1 in 20 Americans suffers from depression. Many more suffer from anxiety and other mood disorders.

I say that obesity, materialism and depression is all connected.

I don’t know about you — but this definitely makes me think about things in my own life.

For as long as I can remember, I defined myself by my appearance. If I had a “fat” day, then I felt down, depressed and angry about myself and the world around me. If I had a “cute” day, then I felt good about myself and everything seemed to fall into place. In my world, Fat = bad and Cute = good. Over and over again, I let each of those words define me. I allowed my outward appearance to consume me.

When I didn’t wear makeup or have my hair done up all cute, I felt unkempt and naked. Because every aspect of my life hung on my appearance.

Lightening struck me this year (well… figuratively speaking). I realized that for the last (almost) 30 years, I had been letting the wrong notions and attitudes guide me. I defined my self-worth not on my intelligence, wit, or compassion but rather by my dress size — the number on the scale — my “male attention” factor. Now I get it. I now realize that I was so misguided back then.

You see– I didn’t love myself. Not even a little. I loved the person that I aspired to be but I did not love the person I already was. Because my intelligence, wit and compassion was buried under my excess weight. Every sentence in my mind seemed to start with … “When I lose this weight I am finally going to…”. In reality, I should have been trying to do those things regardless of how much I weighed.

I realized this past year, that if I died tomorrow, I would die with tons of regrets. I held myself back because of my appearance. I didn’t have enough faith in myself. I always felt that people wouldn’t take the time to get past the exterior so why show them the interior? But all of this was preconceived. I should have pushed past it.

I digress. Beating myself up about things that happened yesterday… or rather… things that should have happened yesterday is completely moot. What matters is today. Maybe it is because I am starting to feel the power in turning 30, maybe I am strapping the “woman” tag into my self-definition or the fact that I have three children and a husband (and I pay my taxes too darn it), but I am casting the cloak of unworthiness aside. I am allowing myself to be the person I always was inside regardless of whether or not my body is “there yet”. Everyday I realize that I *am* beautiful and that I am becoming healthier and strong-minded.

In my world now…outward appearance is merely in the seat of the court jester. Content of character is king.

I have had the privilege of reading some incredibly insightful blog posts this week.  Reading these posts have helped open up some answers to questions I had or helped me reflect on where I am and where I was.

Bobbie @ Anonymous Fat Girl had a really good post today on how her journey hasn’t been all about the scale.  And that she will post weigh-ins if they are significant but otherwise doesn’t want to base her life or her journey around the scale.  It’s a really good post and I encourage everyone to read it!

After reading her post, I pondered about my own relationship with the scale.  I have been a bit scale-obsessed lately.  I weigh in every day or every other day.  Somewhere in my mind I have it that if I don’t keep intense track of the scale then I will lose track of it and get off-path.  I realize that it is more involved than that.  I am practicing simplicity.

Every week I worry about weighing in.  Will I lose?  Will I gain?  And I hate that I allow that damn number to dictate my mood for the day.  I am obsessed with getting down to 290 but not so obsessed that I wear myself out dieting.  I’m actually taking everything one step at a time… one day at a time… one moment at a time.

So maybe it’s time for me to step off the scale for awhile.

I actually found a rather helpful article at SparkPeople.com entitled “4 Signs It’s Time to Step Off The Scale“.

They list the 4 signs as:

1)  Constantly worrying about weighing in

2)  Weigh-in more than once a day

3)  You can recite your weight to the nearest fraction at all times.

4)  The scale determines how you feel about yourself for the day.

So yeah. I think I might need a bit of a break. Maybe for a week or two.

Are you scale obsessed? How many times do you weigh yourself during the week if at all?

In 2002, I made a pact with myself.  I was *going* to lose the weight and get down to a healthy normal size.  My goal weight back then was 150.

I worked hard and ate very little.  I minimized the amount of carbs I took in everyday.  I allowed myself 3 or 4 pieces of whole wheat bread a day.  The rest of my diet consisted of fruit, steamed veggies, egg beaters, low-fat cheese and chicken breast.  For 3 months, I pretty much ate the same thing day in and day out.

I rode my bike 14 miles a day- 5 to 6 days a week (the bike rides lasted an hour a piece).  I woke up at the butt-crack of dawn to stretch, do situps and workout my arms (the routine lasted 20 minutes).

I drank green tea and water by the gallons.  I went to bed around 8:30.  I was disciplined.  I felt strong and in control.

I also isolated myself.  I didn’t have a phone (I didn’t want distractions).  I didn’t have plans with anyone for the first month and a half.  I was very much focused on losing weight.  I managed to lose 65 pounds in one summer.

Then, I met my husband.  Even though I continued to lose, once we got to a comfortable and committed spot, I started losing my quest to become healthy.  I lost site of my 150-pound goal.  I was comfortable at 165.  But then, 165 became 180 and then 185 and finally 190.  A month after we got engaged, I knew that I needed to start losing weight again.  After all, I wanted the perfect wedding day and that included being the perfect size.  And then, a couple of months after the engagement, I found out I was pregnant.  And well… i’m sure you can imagine the rest.

When I was done with my first pregnancy, I lost 50 pounds from delivery to the first month.  At 9 months preggers I weighed 265 pounds.  At my two-week checkup I found out that I lost 38 pounds and weighed in at 227.  My doctor was impressed.  He told me I should have no problem losing the weight.  And I wouldn’t have had problems if I would have persevered and kept going.

Once I went back to work, I was entrenched in the everyday hustle and bustle.  I tried to balance a job I didn’t love and parenting (something I loved dearly!).  I had a lot of new stresses and old stresses.  Instead of looking for a healthy way to combat the stress I allowed it to consume me.  I had a husband and a son so I wasn’t alone.  Who cared how much I weighed?  I felt very much in control (even though control is the last thing I would have ever described me back then, looking at it now).

Why did I gain the weight back when it felt so good to be smaller?

I think it’s because I didn’t do my homework.  When I did all of this the first time, all I had was time to myself.  I didn’t have much stress because I didn’t have a lot going on in my life.  I needed something to do with all of that time… so I spent it working on myself.  As the pounds fell off, I felt lighter in many ways.  I had more of myself to give to others.  I had more energy and more drive.  My thinking was so clear.

My goal at that time should have been to figure out who I was and what I wanted out of life.  I didn’t do that.  I didn’t take the time to enjoy just being young and single.  I wanted a husband.  I wanted a family.   Because those are things that were familiar and comfortable to me.  I came from a close family and parents who loved one another deeply.  I wanted that for myself.  And I knew that losing weight and becoming physically appealing was the only way to ensure that I wouldn’t be alone.

If I had done my homework and dug deep back then…. if I would have made peace with myself, then I believe I would be in a different place today (physically and mentally).

So that is why this time is different.  This time, I am doing my homework.  I am digging deeper than I thought I could.  I have a hunger for challenge and success.  I will not give up until I reach my goal weight this time.  I WILL know what 150 pounds feels like.

I would like to thank Tony @ the Anti-Jared for his insightful post this morning.  It really made me think about why I gained all of my weight back the first time and what it is that I can do differently to ensure that doesn’t happen this time.