Now, I have never had Gastric Bypass Surgery (I have taken weight loss supplements though–). However, I do know at least 5 people who have had it.  Two of the five were sisters that I went to school with (they were a few grades below me and were in my brother’s class).  Both grew up obese and were passed over by boys, sometimes friends, etc.  In my opinion, they were sweet girls.  They had good singing vocals and a lot to offer.  But I could tell they never saw it.

Bring us to the present.  Both girls had Gastric Bypass surgery at the same time.  They both hit their goal weights and looked fantastic.  One girl gained a bit back and is now at a more comfortable weight for her.  The other, is skinny skinny.

I had an opportunity to talk to them at my best friend’s wedding last summer (I was the Maid of Honor).  The younger of the two was doing very well.  She got married, has one daughter and is the same friendly person that I knew her to be.

The other one however, lost all sense of class that she had.  She actually sauntered up to me and another gal at the reception and said… “I’m going to stand over here by the FAT girls!”

I wasn’t offended by her pointing out that I was fat.  Because I AM fat.  But what she said next absolutely broke my heart.  She said… “Deep down inside I am still fat.  I still see myself as the girl I was in high school.”

She brought a date to the reception but made out with almost every guy there (and ended up dateless halfway through the reception because of it).  And she was sloppy drunk the whole time.

I am not writing this down so that I can pass judgment on this girl.  I am writing this down because I think she missed a step in the whole weight-loss journey.

And that step is to “LOVE THYSELF FIRST”.  If you can’t love yourself, if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror and find things to celebrate about yourself as you are NOW.  Then what makes you think that you will love yourself and find things to celebrate about yourself when you are thin?  You have to love who you are now.  No matter what.  Because you are wonderful!

If I can’t love myself just as I am now.  Then I won’t love myself in the future.

You always hear about some of the contestants from those extreme makeover shows and how they *still* see themselves as the “ugly/fat” person they were before all of the plastic surgery and such.  This is because they never made peace with the person they were before.  So there are still unresolved seeds of self-loathing floating around inside.

You have to work on the inside as well as the outside.

Losing weight and being on this journey means that you have to find things within yourself to celebrate.

I used to think that losing weight was going to be this golden ticket that held everything that was good in life.  All I had to do was lose the weight and then BAM!  perfect life.

It doesn’t work that way.  Losing weight makes you thinner, and healthier — yes.  Does it fix problems?  Only health problems.  That is why I say that it is imperative to work on the rest.

When you learn to love yourself, the rest of the journey is that much sweeter.

I was teased and tormented endlessly at school because of my weight.  I felt so trapped.  Everywhere I went; there was this solid brick wall.  I remember trying to talk to my mom about it and she made it sound like it was *my* problem.  I mean, it was my problem.  But what I needed from her, I so seldom ever got.  Once, I remember crying to her that I felt chastised at home and chastised at school for my weight.  If my own family couldn’t love me for who I was, then how could *I* love me?

She apologized at that time and told me that she was doing this because she loved me.  Because she had problems with her weight when she was young and doesn’t want me to have to experience that so she pushes me.  I know now that it came from a good place.  But I also know that she had weight problems when she was younger because my grandpa (her dad) was an alcoholic.  Food was her way of dealing with that.  I didn’t know that then, but over the past two years, I have pieced that together.

Aside from eating, I had two other forms of escape:  reading and acting.  I was a really good actress.  I got the lead parts in all of the school plays and felt comfortable placing myself in someone else’s shoes.  Actually, it was a relief to be able to put myself into someone else’s shoes.

I read books like my life depended on it.  What a treat to escape into a good book.  To this day, I can finish off a novel in a couple of days (if I have uninterrupted time that is).

Through all of the turmoil, my family and I actually came out stronger.  They love me and I love them.  But I was faced with so much responsibility and so much “adult” emotion; at a young age, my little mind just couldn’t compute all of that adequately.   I think I developed my own survival mode, albeit unhealthy.  My parents by example were couch potatoes.  I didn’t have a really good role model for that.  And whenever my mom would have me go on a diet, I always felt that it was something that was done *to me*.  I felt singled out.  No one else had to give up the food they loved, but I did.  We never did it as a family.  And so in that way, I felt like I was the one being chastised.  I felt imperfect and broken.

Therein lays my need to control.  Life felt so out of control at various times, that I controlled it by eating whatever I wanted.  And I felt that if I tuned in to other people’s emotions enough, then I could stop something bad from happening or stop myself from being hurt.  The “tuning in to people’s emotions” part started when  I actually felt like I repaired my parent’s marriage when I told my dad that my mom was seeing some other guy (they were separated at the time and I was 6).

Okay, so now i’m bringing this all up to date in the present.

In the present, I have three young children and I am married.  Because I am also a stay-at-home mom, I am responsible for the kids and the house 99% of the time.  All of these are things *I* chose.  But… to some weird degree, I think I had a hard time realizing that I was the one in control.

My dad used to say that he and my mom were the big chiefs and we were just the little Indians.

And I now know why it was easy to lose weight when I was completely on my own.  It’s because *I* was the one in control.  I love being married but I think a part of me thought that marriage meant that I had to give up the control to my husband and to the inlaws.  Now, I know that I don’t have to do that and that I *shouldn’t* do that.

Because now i’m a big chief.  And this weight loss thing?  This is something I am doing for myself.  It is not something that is being done to me.  I can clearly see the benefits.  And this will allow me to be a good role model for my children.  I am trying to make it so that they see and reap the benefits of all of these changes now so that they don’t have to struggle the way I did.  And if they do struggle?  Then i’m not going to put them on a diet.

Because we will do it together as a family.

As i’ve gotten older, I recognize that I have control issues. In other words, for the longest time I felt the only thing in my control was the food I ate. It was the one area in my life where I felt I had complete control and a complete say-so. You see, for the longest time up until I started this journey, I was very comfortable giving away my personal power. I did it because I wanted to be liked. And I felt that in order for people to accept me, I had to dumb myself down and diffuse certain parts of myself to make *them* feel more comfortable. Subconsciously I figured that as long as I could eat what I wanted, then it was okay.

I started this vicious circle a long time ago. My parents were very authoritative. I lived in a very controlled environment. At least, from the perspective of what I was allowed to do and what I wasn’t. Both worked very hard and long hours at that. So, often times I stepped in and took over all of the domestic stuff. I was practically a second mom to my brothers. All of this started when I was 9. I remember my mom leaving for work and giving me large laundry lists of chores. I was responsible for cleaning up after 6 people including myself. I remember feeling overwhelmed. So much to the point that sometimes I didn’t get it done or I did it half-assed. And when that happened, she became angry and usually I got grounded. The funny thing is, much of my adolescence I felt held back and “grounded”. I wasn’t like normal girls my age. I felt like I came with baggage (three kids and a house to take care of).

I grew up poor. My parents worked very hard but for a time, we had very little. I remember being treated like an adult when it came to taking on extra responsibilities, but treated very much like a child when it came to my own needs and wants. And I felt forever selfish for having needs and wants. So I ate those feelings.

My mom became very concerned about my weight around the age of 11. She was forever nagging me to go on a diet. She said…. “Do you want to be big as a house?” That was when I started “sneak-eating”. And also at the same time found that I quite enjoyed eating alone because there was no one there to comment on it.  She was constantly on the prowl for diets that work for me. I felt so alone.

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So, my husband and I have been on the brink of buying a house forever.   We started last July.  Finally in October, we found a house.  We bid on it even though it was a short sale.  Our bid was accepted by the owners and now we wait.  And wait.  And wait.

Mid-December we were told that a negotiator was going to be assigned to us by the 16th.  The 16th came and then passed without a word.  Last week was Christmas and understandably, we didn’t hear anything.  Today, we get an e-mail from our Realtor stating that we have NOT been assigned a negotiator yet and so they are moving to escalate it (whatever that means).

My friend Google doesn’t help much.  Google basically says “Bank of America and Countrywide sincerely suck at moving forward on short sales”.  Google also mentioned that it can be escalated 10 times or more.  So that “escalation” is basically a nice way of saying that we have to wait.  And wait.

My husband and I are now deciding what to do.  Should we wait it out?  Should we look for another house?

The thing is… this house is perrrfect in every way.  We LUV it.  And if we walk away now… who knows how long it will take.

This whole thing makes me want to move to South Carolina and rent a home from Outer Banks rentals. Or something. I feel absolutely powerless right now. And when things are out of my control… I tend to take control over other things…. err… bot not in always in a positive way.

This house buying stress is trigger inducing.  For real.  The minute I read the e-mail, I processed the information negatively and then my brain was shouting at me…. “EAT!  YOU NEED TO EAT!  IT’S A CRISIS! YOU’RE HAVING A CRAPPY DAY AND LIFE SUCKS SO YOU MIGHT AS WELL FIND A SNACK!”  So I went into the kitchen and rummaged around and ate a bit of sugary and salty snacks.  And then I fixed myself lunch (this part is definitely what I should have done first).  Granted, I jotted down all of my points for the kitchen raid and lunch… but damn.  Really?  I spent 6 points (I estimated high) on a stress-induced attack of the munchies. And another 5 on a really healthy lunch. So that’s 11 points in all. 6 of those points, I am positive, could have been avoided.

And I realized that when stressful things happen, my body is in fight or flight mode.  I get this surge of energy and I envision myself punching the wall or something.  But instead of punching the wall, I focus the anger and energy on eating.

So i’m making a vow here and now… next time I am going to give myself options.  Yes.  That’s right… options.  The way I see it, I have at least a 5-second pause between reaction and action in a trigger-induced situation.  So here are my options:

1.  Phone a friend

2.  Do some jumping jacks or hop on my exercise bike

3.  Clean something …anything.

4.  Go for a walk

That’s all I can think of for now.  The point is, I know that I need to take action in a different way.  If it bothers me to the point of pulling the trigger and ruining my health for a moment, then I need to do something different.  Because running to the kitchen for answers aint working for me.

I can see my 5-year old is carrying the same emotional eating traits as I do.  He eats when he is bored, and when he is happy.  He centers his own life around food.  Even to the extent of worrying about meals before they even happen.  An example of this happened the other night:

Just before dinner

O:  Mom.  What are we having for dinner tomorrow?

Me:  Oh… I don’t know.  I haven’t even thought about it yet.

O:  Why not?

Me:  Because, I need to get through making dinner tonight.

O:  Well, I think I want tacos tomorrow.  I like tacos.

Me:  Maybe.

O:  So, are we having tacos tomorrow?

This conversation happens almost everyday in regards to some future meal.  He’s even starting to increase the quantity in which he eats.  This morning he asked for 7 pieces of toast.  Of course, I told him he could only have 2 pieces for breakfast.  He didn’t argue with me….. this time.

And then came my “Ah-ha!” moment.  For the past 5 years I have been battling depression and weight issues.  To the point where I am 170+ pounds overweight and landed straight into morbid obesity land.  And my son.  My precious baby boy has been privy to it ALL.  He has seen my own reactions and relationship with food and has taken it onto himself.  I can’t say whether the behavior is learned or instilled by DNA (maybe it is a little of both?).  But the point is, I had a moment where I said…. “ENOUGH” to myself.

Because at this point, it is no longer just about me.  It is about the way this continued lifestyle (depression, fast food, lack of exercise) has affected everyone in this household.  I feel i’m one Big Mac away from a heart attack and for what?  Because I enjoy eating?   Because I pacify myself with food?  For goodness sakes, I think it would be almost better if I borrowed a paci from my 17 month old.

I recently read an article about the link between childhood obesity and depression in children.  As I have went through my own life, I recognize that much of my insecurities, depression episodes and hormonal outbursts as a teenager had as much to do with puberty as it did the food I ate.

I also think that obesity and depression continue to be linked in adulthood as well.

What are your thoughts on the obesity and depression link?

The fact of the matter is, when you reach a certain weight and find yourself going in the upward direction on the obesity scale you are told over and over at that point, that the only way to lose the weight is by surgery.  You are shown countless numbers of statistics that iterate that morbidly obese people have a slim to none chance of losing the weight on their own.

So as you can see… it’s a tough world out there according to statistics.

I don’t need to imagine how it feels to be told that by losing weight I am going against the odds.  I live it.  The difference is, I don’t follow statistics.  I follow my own intuition and drive.  I believe that everyone else should do the same.

After watching Shay’s transformation video on NBC.com and reading an excerpt from Happy Fun Pants I feel inspired all over again. I feel like mojo has been put in my drive meter!   Because let me tell you… nothing motivates me more, than by hearing from people who have been there and back.  Their stories help more than they will ever know.

I can relate to Shay (from the Biggest Loser), because she dealt with a lot of emotions. You can tell that the extra weight she carried on her body were the result of years of emotional scarring and food addiction. She went through her issues and in doing that, she fought to overcome some tough demons.  She is now down 150 pounds and I for sure will be rooting for her when the finale comes!

Happy Fun Pants (because I don’t know her actual name), talks about her “moments” with food.  In her latest post entitled “My A-ha Moment this week“, she admits that food was her comfort and her way doing something for herself.  To my knowledge, no one has ever put it that way before.  No one has ever stepped back and said…. “I do things for myself… I eat.”  But when you put it in that context it makes SO much sense.  Because that is EXACTLY where I am at now.

The key to controlling this, is to recognize it and talk about it.  That is also why it has been proven that journaling works.  In your journal, you take an honest look at yourself and if you write everything down (and I mean everything… down to licking a spoon), then you will begin to recognize the honesty.  That recognition will bring about change.  And change is good.

So here and now… I am posting a challenge to myself and to all of you:

This week, vow to do one non-related-food thing for yourself each day.

Next Wednesday I will post my experience and I hope that you do the same.   Come back here and tell me about it in the comments.  If you blog about it, post a link to your blog so that I (and anyone who reads this blog) can read your post and comment as well.

Here’s to hoping everyone has a productive and wonderful week!

I think it’s become one of those things where I need to just learn how to step away from that emotionally.  I need to put my emotions into perspective (if you will).  Because for me, being overweight means a lot more than just eating more than I should or not exercising enough.  It’s a whole overhaul on my emotional core and the way I think about things.  You know what they say… weight loss is 90% mental and 10% everything else.

If I change my internal dialog, it would go something like this:

“I am worthy.  I am a good person.  I have a kind heart.  I try my best.  If someone is having an off day and takes it out on me, it is NOT my fault.  I can’t help their behavior.”

Many times I feel that I need to *fix* people, or situations.  Sometimes I feel guilty by association or guilty because I am there.  Low self-esteem is a devil in itself.  Low self-esteem tells you that you are not worthy and if person A, B and C are mad it is because of something you did (or didn’t do).  I need to tell low self-esteem to stick it where the sun doesn’t shine, because it has no place in my life.

I really respect Dr. Phil.  His advice makes sense to me.  I recently read an article about eliminating your negative internal dialog .  I would like to share it with you.  In part of his article Dr. Phil notes that our internal dialog shapes the way we see the world and the way we react.

Your internal dialogue powerfully programs and shapes your self-concept. If you believe you are worthy and strong, you will live up to that truth. The following exercises will help to focus your habits and patterns and hopefully set you free of some of your negative internal dialogue.

He advises us that we should take a day (when we have very little going on) to listen to our internal dialog and every two hours, review our thoughts. What did we tell ourselves within those two hours? He then goes on to say that we should write it down. Understanding our internal dialog is the only way to change it.

I am going to buy both of these and hopefully gain more insight into changing my own internal dialog:

If I *talk* to myself differently, that will go a long way in changing how I value myself and how I allow others to treat me.

I have to admit, I have been lying to myself.  I’ve been thinking about this blog a lot and realizing that in some ways, *this* is my accountability.  *This* is my way to stay on track.  This is where I talk about things going on and talk about things that are bothering me and hindering me from weight loss.

But… I feel ashamed.  I feel ashamed that I have veered so drastically from the path.  And I have.  I can’t even deny it.  The truth still remains that I *WANT* to prevail and conquer this weight.  And if want were in pennies, I would be a very rich woman.  Because I have wanted this for a long time.

So, it is time to be honest with myself.

I have lied to myself for years.  Pretending that the food I am eating to gluttony is not killing me, when in fact it is.  My fate started to be sealed with the diagnosis of Sleep Apnea after the birth of my first child.  My fate continues to be sealed with poor circulation and shortness of breath.  Hell, i’ve gained so much weight over the last 5 years that I am having trouble doing simple things…. like tying my shoes.

More honesty:

I don’t go anywhere that I don’t absolutely have to because I don’t want to see people.  I actually walk with my head down now.

I don’t go anywhere with the kids unless it is in an environment where they can’t “run away”, lest I be forced to chase after them.

I have enough self-loathing to fill 10 bathtubs.

I do not believe that I am worth anything.

I have heard people say that they are overweight because they put other people’s needs before their own.  I am here to say, that while I do put other people’s needs before my own; I am obese BECAUSE I am selfish.  When I eat to the point of puking, I am selfish.  I am depriving myself of a life filled with happiness.  I am depriving those who I hold so dear to my heart, the very best of ME.

At some point, one would think that I would have figured out, if the hunger is not satisfied by now… then maybe *FOOD* is not what I need.  Maybe I need some very real and very honest self-reflection.  I need to understand and to recognize that being this obese, takes WORK.  I have been WORKING to destroy myself for a very long time now.

I know now, it is a path of misery that I am on, IF I continue to eat like this….no… *live* like this.

Today.  I am taking my life back.

We have been hitting the pavement since the beginning of July in search of our first home.  As you might imagine, looking for houses with three kids is sometimes a little hectic.  The kids have been wonderful for the most part, but I have to admit, the shiney new exterior of “house hunting” has worn off for them.  And quite frankly, it has worn off for me too.

We have put 6 offers in on homes.  4 offers have been turned down…. we’re waiting for number 5 to be turned down (the Realtor has turned it into a bidding war) and number 6 will probably turn us down sometime this week (I am expecting Wednesday or Thursday will probably be another “bad news day”… ).

I shouldn’t let my emotions get into this.  My husband keeps telling me to get my emotions out of the equation.  But it’s hard.  For someone who is so emotion-driven, separating my emotions from a situation is like separating a car from its engine.

I have been so verklempt over this situation that I have been eating so much.  Shoving each morsel of food into my mouth in hopes of pacifying my feelings.

I shouldn’t get this intense about the situation.  I should be calm and advocate a  Kay Syrah Syrah environment…. but i’m not.  And I don’t know how to separate myself from these intense feelings.  Feelings that I have come to recognize as my need for control.

At the moment I feel like a wonder spaz and I can only hope that the spaziness will be short-lived.

Cath Lawson says:

Sometimes you need to hit rock bottom before you can improve your life and begin to achieve your dreams. This may sound like madness. Surely most sane people wouldn’t want to wait until they’re in a heap of trouble before they try to improve their lives right?

And I agree with her statement.  Why would sane people want to land in a heap of trouble before improving their lives?  Well… in my 29 years of life… I have come to the conclusion that it’s because of the comfort factor.  The comfort factor is when people are comfortable with the way they are living.  Sure, I might be overweight and unhappy about it… but I am also married, have three beautiful children and live a comfortable life.  Other than my weight, there’s not much else wrong.

Now, if some of those comfort elements suddenly turned sour, I could say that I hit rock bottom.

Here is an interesting an anonymous post on help.com.  From her entry, you can clearly see that it was written by a young teenager.  She describes her version of hitting rock bottom:

I lost my best friend a couple months ago, and she’s really the only one I can cry my eyes out in front of.

Poor girl.   But she hits on something here.  Because her version of hitting rock bottom is losing someone that she loves deeply.  There is something to be said about having someone in your life who you can be yourself around.

On one of the sites I visit frequently (The Experience Project), I have found an interesting post about “hitting rock bottom”.  In fact, I can totally relate to this person’s post.  Except I divulge in extreme eating and not-so-much with the drinking and smoking.

I guess i’ve always been the the more “depressed” type. always hated admitting it, i thought i was just weird, but according to the therapists ive gone to i was suffering from severe long term depression. okayy well whatever. i could change that. ( that was my game plan)

So he acknowledges that he has always hovered around rock bottom and with my weight loss issues, that’s how I feel too more often than not.

Furthering my quest for more “hitting rock-bottom”, I decided to peruse an anti-meth site. Who would know more about hitting rock bottom than people with addictions, right?

And a poster by the name Rancid1 had a really good answer:

It’s different for everyone.

For me, I had to loose something that I thought I would never loose. My own sanity. Insanity scared me so much that I wanted to die, and I went crying to someone and begged them to make the voices in my head go away.

It’s different for everyone, but most people have to loose something that they never thought they would loose.

So I suppose in the end, hitting rock bottom means that you lose something dear to you.  It could be a person, something material, a job or even in extreme cases, all of the above.

But what I haven’t figured out yet, is what does hitting rock bottom mean in terms of weight loss?