My weigh-in Monday results for this week:

-1 putting me at 308 pounds.

I am pretty excited about my consistent 1-pound-a-week weight loss over the last two weeks. It is the holiday-season and while I am putting in a lot of effort to watch my portions, eat cleaner and eliminate all fast foods… I do have the occasional cookie or holiday treat.

I have also been on a good food-schedule so when the night time comes around, I am usually able to avoid snacking on anything (though I admit that I think of food constantly). I envision myself snacking on various things all throughout the evening until bedtime.  I recognize that it will take a bit to break that habit.

Since there is so much going on right now with Christmas preparation and such… I feel that I will really kick up the heat when it comes to working out– after the holidays.  For now, I am doing 20 minutes on my stationary bike a couple of days a week.

How are you doing with your weight loss this holiday season?

My biggest hurdle at this point is nighttime eating.

Last night for instance, I fed the kids around their normal dinner time of 6:00pm. As they ate dinner, I ran around straightening things up, cleaning up my cooking mess and doing other things. At that point, I really didn’t feel hungry. It was more than that though. I wanted to use the time that they were preoccupied to do some straightening up around the house.

After bath time, Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer and bed time, I was finally hungry and finally felt as though I could sit down and eat. The problem? It was 9pm. Thankfully, it isn’t always like this. Most of the time I sit down and eat with the family. However, last night was just a different kind of night. Sometimes, my husband and I will wait to eat until after the kids go to bed. We do this so that we can have some time to ourselves. It’s nice having a meal that isn’t rushed and a conversation that isn’t interrupted. There are moments where dinnertime can be really hectic and just feels like something to get through instead of a relaxing meal with the family.

Anyway, many times I feel *snacky* at night (in addition to the once or twice a week nighttime meal). I know this is a hurdle for me. It’s almost like I have trained myself to want to snack after 8pm. I need to break that cycle.

After searching high and low for tips on how to stop this habit, this is what I have come up with:

1) Change night time dinners with my husband to weekend lunches (while the kids are down for naps).

2) Brush my teeth at 8pm sharp. Everything tastes bad after brushing your teeth.

3) Find something to do with my hands or my time.

4) Have a designated eating area where I can concentrate on what I am eating. For instance… eating in front of the television, computer or while reading isn’t a good idea because the eating can become mindless. So making a rule for myself that all eating has to be done at the table is a great start.

5) Choose differently. If I absolutely have to have a snack… make the snack a piece of fruit or carrot sticks. No popcorn. No ice cream. Or maybe try drinking a glass of water everytime I feel hungry.

If we condition ourselves to eat at night (which I believe I have done), then we will have to make different rules for ourselves and choose differently in order to break the cycle, right? It’s kind of like the Pavlov’s Dogs theory. If I eat in front of the television… then everytime I get in front of the television I become hungry. If I break the cycle…. then perhaps I wont be so tempted to eat at night.

Make sense?

What is one of your big hurdles at the moment?

As an emotional eater, I can identify with many of these “eating” feelings. As someone who is always trying to understand herself and the *whys* in life, this spoke to me and emitted some healing. Knowledge is power, right?

Maybe this will help you as it did me.

BY Dr. Doreen Virtue – “Emotional Eating”

Listed below are the 16 feelings that Emotional Eaters most often confuse with physical hunger.

Be as honest as you can with yourself when reading this list, because self-awareness is a key ingredient to recovering from emotional eating and the Yo-Yo Diet Syndrome. These listings merely describe the fattening feelings and explain why they lead to overeating.

1. Anger.
Anger is cited in more cases of emotional eating than any other emotion. Anger, especially when it’s repressed, feels very uncomfortable, and this discomfort is often confused with hunger. But what feels like hunger is actually a desire to use food to cover up or mask the painful emotion — anger. Women, in particular, have difficulty admitting that they are angry, due to societal pressures ranging from parental admonitions (“Young ladies shouldn’t get angry!”) to corporate gameplaying rules (“You’ll get ahead in this company if you just smile and agree with management instead of arguing about their policies”). With all this pressure, people sometimes wish they never felt angry – a futile wish, of course, since everyone gets angry at times. People run into trouble with their anger when they ignore their angry feelings or pretend they don’t exist, hoping the emotions will subside if they’re ignored long enough. Emotion Eaters turn to food in order to stuff their anger.

2. Fatigue.
If anger is the number one psychological reason why people overeat, fatigue is definitely number two. That’s why I call it “fat-igue.” Some late-night overeaters use food in a vain attempt to energize themselves when they’re tired. Shift workers, those who stay up late at night, and “workaholics” are especially prone to overeating when fatigued. Other people use food to calm the nervous tension associated with fatigue. Perhaps you’ve had a nerve-wracking day at the office, combined with over consumption of caffeine or chocolate. At night, you try to sleep but find you’re too wired. That’s when cravings for carbohydrate snacks occur, because these foods trigger calming brain chemicals that help you sleep. When we’re tired, our resolve to eat lighter and healthier foods often goes out the window. Feeling fatigued, we say, “To heck with calorie counting!” and down a quart of ice cream or a massive plate of spaghetti. It’s important to recognize fatigue in yourself when it occurs.

Learn to recognize how it feels when you’re emotionally drained or intellectually overstimulated. Once you can label these feelings as fatigue, you won’t be as likely to confuse them with hunger. Second, remember that when you’re tired, rest will make you feel better. Overeating will not. Food may give you a temporary surge in blood sugar that is reminiscent of feeling rested, but the key word is that the respite is temporary. What’s more, an eating binge can lead to sluggish, tired feelings the next day as your body tries to break down the high levels of sugar, fat, and carbohydrates from the binge foods. Rest, regular exercise, and the mind/body methods described in later chapters (The Yo-Yo Diet Syndrome) are the best ways to combat feelings of fatigue. Food only makes things worse!

3. Depression.
When life looks gray and gloomy, most Emotion Eaters start to think of ways to feel better, and their solution to depression usually involves food. People who eat when they’re depressed often turn to dairy products such as ice cream (particularly chocolate) and cheese. As precisely as a well-trained pharmacist, but intuitively, the overeater picks food that alleviates depression. After all, the chemical makeup of dairy products has a neurological effect similar to antidepressant medications. Depression occurs for a number of reasons. It can be traced to: Holding in anger A loss, such as losing a job, getting a divorce, selling a house, becoming ill, or losing loved ones (including pets). Physical exhaustion or poor nutrition. This type of depression readily responds to rest and a healthful diet. “Kicking yourself” and focusing on real or imagined negative characteristics in yourself. Try to keep your attention focused on your positive qualities, and remember that everyone makes mistakes. Forgive yourself! Feeling like a helpless victim and seeing the future as hopeless. You’re not a victim, and the future will be as pleasant or as painful as you set out to make it! You really do create your own life.

4. Loneliness.
Those who eat out of loneliness usually must push themselves to meet new people, even when the prospect seems frightening. Some of the easiest ways to get out and become active with others involve engaging in some sort of organized group activity, such as joining a volleyball team or a mastermind group, enrolling in any sort of class, or becoming a member of a charitable organization.

5. Insecurity / Inadequacy.
When I started working in the counseling field, I felt inadequate a great deal of the time. I worked in a large inpatient alcoholism hospital, and we were terribly understaffed. There was always a crisis of some sort with a patient or staff member, and there wasn’t much that any of us counselors could do to keep the atmosphere positive. There was a pervasive air of gloom and despair hanging over us. And always, at the end of the day, I was left with the feeling that I just hadn’t done enough to help the alcoholics and drug addicts in our facility. I’d feel empty and at a loss, and I’d want to eat as a result. Long-term experience as a counselor and my spiritual background eventually helped me to change my perspective. As you may know, feeling “not good enough” is an empty sensation. The insecurity and inadequacy that come with self-doubt can feel like a big, black empty hole right in the middle of your gut. It feels uneasy. It doesn’t feel good.

I think that these feelings are among the toughest to contend with because most of us don’t even want to admit we’re experiencing them. I know that, at times, I used to believe that I was the only person in the world who felt inadequate. And I used to be afraid that merely admitting these feelings — even to myself — might make it true that I was inadequate. So I hid the feelings from myself and others and tried to fill the empty hole with food. Inadequacy is a very normal feeling! Everyone, including Ph.D.’s, M.D.’s, rich folks, and other successful and famous people, wrestles with self-doubt and feels like a failure at times. Problems arise when Emotion Eaters try to ignore or cover up the sense of inadequacy with food, instead of taking steps (such as returning to college, asking for a raise, praying, etc.) to minimize the basis for the feeling.

6. Guilt.
Eating, of course, doesn’t resolve a guilt-producing situation. Besides taking steps to solve the problem, the realization that you are not completely responsible for others and that you truly can’t control anyone else’s actions or feelings can also free you of unnecessary guilt. This doesn’t mean that you have to be thoughtless, just that you can let go of the erroneous notion that you’re responsible for the happiness of those around you. No one person is that powerful! Give others credit for the direction they choose to take in their lives.

7. Jealousy.
Many “jealousy eaters” I’ve treated tend to compare themselves unfavorably to others in a process I call “comparing your insides with other people’s outsides.” This happens whenever you look at other people who appear to be so together, happy, and confident, and compare this with how you feel on the inside. You may become jealous if you assume someone else’s life is much better than your own because on the outside he or she appears happier than you do. Remember that outside appearances can be deceiving, and that to other people, you, too, probably appear to have it all together.

8. Happiness.
“Happy” overeaters seem to turn to food for two reasons. The first is that when things are going well, they feel very, very good and they want to binge on good feelings. Because the “happy overeater” enjoys food, she wants to eat as much as possible in order to fill up on these positive emotions. She sees happiness as a limited resource that will run out quickly and needs to be gobbled up before it disappears. It helps if she frequently affirms the unlimited abundance of happiness, since joy is our true and natural state of being: “Happiness gushes forth from the center of my being, bringing waves of joy throughout my mind, body, and soul, and bringing happiness to everyone who sees, talks with, or thinks of me.”

Second, people with low self-esteem often feel that they don’t deserve happiness or success. So, as soon as aspects of their lives — such as weight loss — start to turn out right, they unconsciously start to sabotage their own success. Happiness, if you’ve never had much of it, can seem scary because of its novelty. Even though it seems illogical to wish unhappiness on yourself, some people are uncomfortable with anything but morose, depressing days. They almost need a problem or crisis in their life to give them a sense of purpose. If you’re a “happy” overeater, it’s important to remember that it really is okay to be happy and experience success! Affirm often: “My happiness is God’s will for me. Happiness is my birthright, and my joy heals many lives.” In addition, the joy won’t disappear or be yanked out of your hands, so relax and let go of any “lack mentality” that tells you that happiness is a finite resource. And most importantly, don’t overeat because of your happiness.

9. Anxiety / Nervousness.
Anxiety and nervousness lead to a particular type of overeating — the “picking” variety. This style of eating disguises the amount of food one is eating because only a tiny amount is being consumed, bit by bit. But since the eating is continual, large amounts of food are eaten before the Yo-Yo Syndrome dieter even realizes what has happened. As if in a blackout or trance, the overeater seeks pacification from anxiety through food. Those who overeat due to anxiety and nervousness use food to relax, so they need to find alternative methods to unwind.

10. Disappointment / Hurt.
Similarly, people often overeat in the face of disappointment. Perhaps a friend lets you down or betrays you. Maybe you didn’t get that raise or promotion at work. Or perhaps you feel let down every time you don’t win the state lottery. Regardless of its source, disappointment can make you feel alone and hopeless about the future. It can make you lose interest in yourself, and make you not care what you weigh or what your body looks like. When you don’t care, it’s hard to stay away from food.

11. Emptiness/Hollowness.
I believe that we all have a drive or ambition to do certain things with our lives, and that we owe it to ourselves to try to fulfill those desires. We may not always succeed, but it’s very important to at least try. Until we take steps toward our dreams and goals, an upsetting sense of uneasiness lives inside of us. The goal could be anything from getting a high school diploma to graduating from medical school, writing that novel or volunteering at that convalescent hospital. Whatever your personal dream, go seize it! Break the big goal into smaller, more accessible goals, and then take one small step today to bring yourself closer to the life you want to lead. You’ll be glad you did.

12. Grief.
To discern whether unfinished grief could be at the heart of your Yo-Yo Diet Syndrome, ask yourself if thoughts about your losses bring about any of the following feelings: A heavy or pressured feeling in your chest Tears in your eyes The desire to think about something else right away Anger, resentment, or depression If any of these feelings relate to you, you probably have some unfinished grief work to complete. Though not a pleasant task, spending some time focusing your thoughts on the pain of your loss (with a therapist, through prayerful meditation, or by journal writing) could be the key to releasing you from your desire to overeat.

13. Procrastination.
Eating is, if nothing else, a very good timewaster. It makes a wonderful excuse for putting off performing an unpleasant task. Do you ever use food as an excuse to avoid doing some dreaded task? Do you use food to avoid making that phone call or writing that letter? To avoid doing a boring and mundane chore? To avoid completing a complicated or difficult task? If you answered yes to any of these questions, you’ve probably already recognized the futility of eating in order to procrastinate. No matter how much food you eat, the task will still remain on your “to do” list. By eating before you tackle the chore, you only make things worse. It makes you feel out of control, fat, sloppy, and angry at yourself for eating. And you still have to face the dreaded situation. Doesn’t it make more sense, instead, to get the task over with (maybe even figuring out a way to enjoy it, too), delegate the task to someone else, or decide that you don’t really need to do the chore after all?

14. Fear.
Fear often triggers nervous behavior, especially continual snacking. Fear is the root of guilt, insecurity, and other fattening feelings. Although fear can feel like a giant foe, it actually has more bark than bite.

15. Boredom.
Like people who eat out of procrastination, “boredom bingers” can fill up days, hours, months, and years a bite at a time. They’re often anxious about having unstructured time and are constantly searching for something to do. They feel guilty if they’re not engaged in some activity, and eating fits their definition of “activity.” If this description reminds you of yourself, it’s important to come to terms with your underlying issues. Why isn’t it okay to just do nothing once in a while? Do you always have to be productive to feel good about yourself? Are you trying to please someone or get their approval by staying busy? What other activity would you rather be engaged in besides eating? Why aren’t you doing that other activity now? What steps can you take right now that will fill your life with meaning, purpose, and fun?

16. Embarrassment.
Overeating due to embarrassment or self-consciousness occurs because of unrealistic expectations that you should never be noticed or be the topic of conversation. There is a tendency to take any remark as criticism, as well as a belief that other people’s negative opinions about your behavior is true. Then, if you do make a mistake – a social blunder or a business error, for instance – you feel as if the world’s going to fall apart.

Now, I have never had Gastric Bypass Surgery (I have taken weight loss supplements though–). However, I do know at least 5 people who have had it.  Two of the five were sisters that I went to school with (they were a few grades below me and were in my brother’s class).  Both grew up obese and were passed over by boys, sometimes friends, etc.  In my opinion, they were sweet girls.  They had good singing vocals and a lot to offer.  But I could tell they never saw it.

Bring us to the present.  Both girls had Gastric Bypass surgery at the same time.  They both hit their goal weights and looked fantastic.  One girl gained a bit back and is now at a more comfortable weight for her.  The other, is skinny skinny.

I had an opportunity to talk to them at my best friend’s wedding last summer (I was the Maid of Honor).  The younger of the two was doing very well.  She got married, has one daughter and is the same friendly person that I knew her to be.

The other one however, lost all sense of class that she had.  She actually sauntered up to me and another gal at the reception and said… “I’m going to stand over here by the FAT girls!”

I wasn’t offended by her pointing out that I was fat.  Because I AM fat.  But what she said next absolutely broke my heart.  She said… “Deep down inside I am still fat.  I still see myself as the girl I was in high school.”

She brought a date to the reception but made out with almost every guy there (and ended up dateless halfway through the reception because of it).  And she was sloppy drunk the whole time.

I am not writing this down so that I can pass judgment on this girl.  I am writing this down because I think she missed a step in the whole weight-loss journey.

And that step is to “LOVE THYSELF FIRST”.  If you can’t love yourself, if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror and find things to celebrate about yourself as you are NOW.  Then what makes you think that you will love yourself and find things to celebrate about yourself when you are thin?  You have to love who you are now.  No matter what.  Because you are wonderful!

If I can’t love myself just as I am now.  Then I won’t love myself in the future.

You always hear about some of the contestants from those extreme makeover shows and how they *still* see themselves as the “ugly/fat” person they were before all of the plastic surgery and such.  This is because they never made peace with the person they were before.  So there are still unresolved seeds of self-loathing floating around inside.

You have to work on the inside as well as the outside.

Losing weight and being on this journey means that you have to find things within yourself to celebrate.

I used to think that losing weight was going to be this golden ticket that held everything that was good in life.  All I had to do was lose the weight and then BAM!  perfect life.

It doesn’t work that way.  Losing weight makes you thinner, and healthier — yes.  Does it fix problems?  Only health problems.  That is why I say that it is imperative to work on the rest.

When you learn to love yourself, the rest of the journey is that much sweeter.

I was teased and tormented endlessly at school because of my weight.  I felt so trapped.  Everywhere I went; there was this solid brick wall.  I remember trying to talk to my mom about it and she made it sound like it was *my* problem.  I mean, it was my problem.  But what I needed from her, I so seldom ever got.  Once, I remember crying to her that I felt chastised at home and chastised at school for my weight.  If my own family couldn’t love me for who I was, then how could *I* love me?

She apologized at that time and told me that she was doing this because she loved me.  Because she had problems with her weight when she was young and doesn’t want me to have to experience that so she pushes me.  I know now that it came from a good place.  But I also know that she had weight problems when she was younger because my grandpa (her dad) was an alcoholic.  Food was her way of dealing with that.  I didn’t know that then, but over the past two years, I have pieced that together.

Aside from eating, I had two other forms of escape:  reading and acting.  I was a really good actress.  I got the lead parts in all of the school plays and felt comfortable placing myself in someone else’s shoes.  Actually, it was a relief to be able to put myself into someone else’s shoes.

I read books like my life depended on it.  What a treat to escape into a good book.  To this day, I can finish off a novel in a couple of days (if I have uninterrupted time that is).

Through all of the turmoil, my family and I actually came out stronger.  They love me and I love them.  But I was faced with so much responsibility and so much “adult” emotion; at a young age, my little mind just couldn’t compute all of that adequately.   I think I developed my own survival mode, albeit unhealthy.  My parents by example were couch potatoes.  I didn’t have a really good role model for that.  And whenever my mom would have me go on a diet, I always felt that it was something that was done *to me*.  I felt singled out.  No one else had to give up the food they loved, but I did.  We never did it as a family.  And so in that way, I felt like I was the one being chastised.  I felt imperfect and broken.

Therein lays my need to control.  Life felt so out of control at various times, that I controlled it by eating whatever I wanted.  And I felt that if I tuned in to other people’s emotions enough, then I could stop something bad from happening or stop myself from being hurt.  The “tuning in to people’s emotions” part started when  I actually felt like I repaired my parent’s marriage when I told my dad that my mom was seeing some other guy (they were separated at the time and I was 6).

Okay, so now i’m bringing this all up to date in the present.

In the present, I have three young children and I am married.  Because I am also a stay-at-home mom, I am responsible for the kids and the house 99% of the time.  All of these are things *I* chose.  But… to some weird degree, I think I had a hard time realizing that I was the one in control.

My dad used to say that he and my mom were the big chiefs and we were just the little Indians.

And I now know why it was easy to lose weight when I was completely on my own.  It’s because *I* was the one in control.  I love being married but I think a part of me thought that marriage meant that I had to give up the control to my husband and to the inlaws.  Now, I know that I don’t have to do that and that I *shouldn’t* do that.

Because now i’m a big chief.  And this weight loss thing?  This is something I am doing for myself.  It is not something that is being done to me.  I can clearly see the benefits.  And this will allow me to be a good role model for my children.  I am trying to make it so that they see and reap the benefits of all of these changes now so that they don’t have to struggle the way I did.  And if they do struggle?  Then i’m not going to put them on a diet.

Because we will do it together as a family.

As i’ve gotten older, I recognize that I have control issues. In other words, for the longest time I felt the only thing in my control was the food I ate. It was the one area in my life where I felt I had complete control and a complete say-so. You see, for the longest time up until I started this journey, I was very comfortable giving away my personal power. I did it because I wanted to be liked. And I felt that in order for people to accept me, I had to dumb myself down and diffuse certain parts of myself to make *them* feel more comfortable. Subconsciously I figured that as long as I could eat what I wanted, then it was okay.

I started this vicious circle a long time ago. My parents were very authoritative. I lived in a very controlled environment. At least, from the perspective of what I was allowed to do and what I wasn’t. Both worked very hard and long hours at that. So, often times I stepped in and took over all of the domestic stuff. I was practically a second mom to my brothers. All of this started when I was 9. I remember my mom leaving for work and giving me large laundry lists of chores. I was responsible for cleaning up after 6 people including myself. I remember feeling overwhelmed. So much to the point that sometimes I didn’t get it done or I did it half-assed. And when that happened, she became angry and usually I got grounded. The funny thing is, much of my adolescence I felt held back and “grounded”. I wasn’t like normal girls my age. I felt like I came with baggage (three kids and a house to take care of).

I grew up poor. My parents worked very hard but for a time, we had very little. I remember being treated like an adult when it came to taking on extra responsibilities, but treated very much like a child when it came to my own needs and wants. And I felt forever selfish for having needs and wants. So I ate those feelings.

My mom became very concerned about my weight around the age of 11. She was forever nagging me to go on a diet. She said…. “Do you want to be big as a house?” That was when I started “sneak-eating”. And also at the same time found that I quite enjoyed eating alone because there was no one there to comment on it.  She was constantly on the prowl for diets that work for me. I felt so alone.

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So, my husband and I have been on the brink of buying a house forever.   We started last July.  Finally in October, we found a house.  We bid on it even though it was a short sale.  Our bid was accepted by the owners and now we wait.  And wait.  And wait.

Mid-December we were told that a negotiator was going to be assigned to us by the 16th.  The 16th came and then passed without a word.  Last week was Christmas and understandably, we didn’t hear anything.  Today, we get an e-mail from our Realtor stating that we have NOT been assigned a negotiator yet and so they are moving to escalate it (whatever that means).

My friend Google doesn’t help much.  Google basically says “Bank of America and Countrywide sincerely suck at moving forward on short sales”.  Google also mentioned that it can be escalated 10 times or more.  So that “escalation” is basically a nice way of saying that we have to wait.  And wait.

My husband and I are now deciding what to do.  Should we wait it out?  Should we look for another house?

The thing is… this house is perrrfect in every way.  We LUV it.  And if we walk away now… who knows how long it will take.

This whole thing makes me want to move to South Carolina and rent a home from Outer Banks rentals. Or something. I feel absolutely powerless right now. And when things are out of my control… I tend to take control over other things…. err… bot not in always in a positive way.

This house buying stress is trigger inducing.  For real.  The minute I read the e-mail, I processed the information negatively and then my brain was shouting at me…. “EAT!  YOU NEED TO EAT!  IT’S A CRISIS! YOU’RE HAVING A CRAPPY DAY AND LIFE SUCKS SO YOU MIGHT AS WELL FIND A SNACK!”  So I went into the kitchen and rummaged around and ate a bit of sugary and salty snacks.  And then I fixed myself lunch (this part is definitely what I should have done first).  Granted, I jotted down all of my points for the kitchen raid and lunch… but damn.  Really?  I spent 6 points (I estimated high) on a stress-induced attack of the munchies. And another 5 on a really healthy lunch. So that’s 11 points in all. 6 of those points, I am positive, could have been avoided.

And I realized that when stressful things happen, my body is in fight or flight mode.  I get this surge of energy and I envision myself punching the wall or something.  But instead of punching the wall, I focus the anger and energy on eating.

So i’m making a vow here and now… next time I am going to give myself options.  Yes.  That’s right… options.  The way I see it, I have at least a 5-second pause between reaction and action in a trigger-induced situation.  So here are my options:

1.  Phone a friend

2.  Do some jumping jacks or hop on my exercise bike

3.  Clean something …anything.

4.  Go for a walk

That’s all I can think of for now.  The point is, I know that I need to take action in a different way.  If it bothers me to the point of pulling the trigger and ruining my health for a moment, then I need to do something different.  Because running to the kitchen for answers aint working for me.

I can see my 5-year old is carrying the same emotional eating traits as I do.  He eats when he is bored, and when he is happy.  He centers his own life around food.  Even to the extent of worrying about meals before they even happen.  An example of this happened the other night:

Just before dinner

O:  Mom.  What are we having for dinner tomorrow?

Me:  Oh… I don’t know.  I haven’t even thought about it yet.

O:  Why not?

Me:  Because, I need to get through making dinner tonight.

O:  Well, I think I want tacos tomorrow.  I like tacos.

Me:  Maybe.

O:  So, are we having tacos tomorrow?

This conversation happens almost everyday in regards to some future meal.  He’s even starting to increase the quantity in which he eats.  This morning he asked for 7 pieces of toast.  Of course, I told him he could only have 2 pieces for breakfast.  He didn’t argue with me….. this time.

And then came my “Ah-ha!” moment.  For the past 5 years I have been battling depression and weight issues.  To the point where I am 170+ pounds overweight and landed straight into morbid obesity land.  And my son.  My precious baby boy has been privy to it ALL.  He has seen my own reactions and relationship with food and has taken it onto himself.  I can’t say whether the behavior is learned or instilled by DNA (maybe it is a little of both?).  But the point is, I had a moment where I said…. “ENOUGH” to myself.

Because at this point, it is no longer just about me.  It is about the way this continued lifestyle (depression, fast food, lack of exercise) has affected everyone in this household.  I feel i’m one Big Mac away from a heart attack and for what?  Because I enjoy eating?   Because I pacify myself with food?  For goodness sakes, I think it would be almost better if I borrowed a paci from my 17 month old.

I recently read an article about the link between childhood obesity and depression in children.  As I have went through my own life, I recognize that much of my insecurities, depression episodes and hormonal outbursts as a teenager had as much to do with puberty as it did the food I ate.

I also think that obesity and depression continue to be linked in adulthood as well.

What are your thoughts on the obesity and depression link?

The fact of the matter is, when you reach a certain weight and find yourself going in the upward direction on the obesity scale you are told over and over at that point, that the only way to lose the weight is by surgery.  You are shown countless numbers of statistics that iterate that morbidly obese people have a slim to none chance of losing the weight on their own.

So as you can see… it’s a tough world out there according to statistics.

I don’t need to imagine how it feels to be told that by losing weight I am going against the odds.  I live it.  The difference is, I don’t follow statistics.  I follow my own intuition and drive.  I believe that everyone else should do the same.

After watching Shay’s transformation video on NBC.com and reading an excerpt from Happy Fun Pants I feel inspired all over again. I feel like mojo has been put in my drive meter!   Because let me tell you… nothing motivates me more, than by hearing from people who have been there and back.  Their stories help more than they will ever know.

I can relate to Shay (from the Biggest Loser), because she dealt with a lot of emotions. You can tell that the extra weight she carried on her body were the result of years of emotional scarring and food addiction. She went through her issues and in doing that, she fought to overcome some tough demons.  She is now down 150 pounds and I for sure will be rooting for her when the finale comes!

Happy Fun Pants (because I don’t know her actual name), talks about her “moments” with food.  In her latest post entitled “My A-ha Moment this week“, she admits that food was her comfort and her way doing something for herself.  To my knowledge, no one has ever put it that way before.  No one has ever stepped back and said…. “I do things for myself… I eat.”  But when you put it in that context it makes SO much sense.  Because that is EXACTLY where I am at now.

The key to controlling this, is to recognize it and talk about it.  That is also why it has been proven that journaling works.  In your journal, you take an honest look at yourself and if you write everything down (and I mean everything… down to licking a spoon), then you will begin to recognize the honesty.  That recognition will bring about change.  And change is good.

So here and now… I am posting a challenge to myself and to all of you:

This week, vow to do one non-related-food thing for yourself each day.

Next Wednesday I will post my experience and I hope that you do the same.   Come back here and tell me about it in the comments.  If you blog about it, post a link to your blog so that I (and anyone who reads this blog) can read your post and comment as well.

Here’s to hoping everyone has a productive and wonderful week!

I think it’s become one of those things where I need to just learn how to step away from that emotionally.  I need to put my emotions into perspective (if you will).  Because for me, being overweight means a lot more than just eating more than I should or not exercising enough.  It’s a whole overhaul on my emotional core and the way I think about things.  You know what they say… weight loss is 90% mental and 10% everything else.

If I change my internal dialog, it would go something like this:

“I am worthy.  I am a good person.  I have a kind heart.  I try my best.  If someone is having an off day and takes it out on me, it is NOT my fault.  I can’t help their behavior.”

Many times I feel that I need to *fix* people, or situations.  Sometimes I feel guilty by association or guilty because I am there.  Low self-esteem is a devil in itself.  Low self-esteem tells you that you are not worthy and if person A, B and C are mad it is because of something you did (or didn’t do).  I need to tell low self-esteem to stick it where the sun doesn’t shine, because it has no place in my life.

I really respect Dr. Phil.  His advice makes sense to me.  I recently read an article about eliminating your negative internal dialog .  I would like to share it with you.  In part of his article Dr. Phil notes that our internal dialog shapes the way we see the world and the way we react.

Your internal dialogue powerfully programs and shapes your self-concept. If you believe you are worthy and strong, you will live up to that truth. The following exercises will help to focus your habits and patterns and hopefully set you free of some of your negative internal dialogue.

He advises us that we should take a day (when we have very little going on) to listen to our internal dialog and every two hours, review our thoughts. What did we tell ourselves within those two hours? He then goes on to say that we should write it down. Understanding our internal dialog is the only way to change it.

I am going to buy both of these and hopefully gain more insight into changing my own internal dialog:

If I *talk* to myself differently, that will go a long way in changing how I value myself and how I allow others to treat me.