Because you see… as I get older, I realize how imperative it is to take care of my skin. I need to keep my skin well-hydrated and moisturized as well as pimple free!

Love the skin you are in.

Six months after he died, something within me awoke. At first, I felt so devastated that he was gone. I was sad, depressed, and self-medicated with food. He was the glue that held our family together.

But then, six months later, I realized that I needed to take charge of my life and of my health. Toward the end of spring, I got my first apartment. Thereafter, I began a journey to better health. And because of it, I lost 70 pounds.

I don’t know what to say.  Things have been crazy around here.  In a matter of three days, life has gone from solid and sure to absolutely crazy.  I think I jinxed myself by commenting on Diane’s post that the weekends were usually a-okay for me diet-wise.

And then came this weekend.  For starters, the kids had been sick all week and then pink-eye hit both my oldest and middle children.  My husband had to work on restoring servers for a client.  Oh and we found out that our offer on the short sale we bid on got accepted… BUT.  And that’s where it is at the moment.  We’re not sure at this point what the endgame will be with the house.  We were given 5 different scenarios on Friday and since no one thought to call the bank between Thursday and Friday to iron out the details… we are stuck in limbo.  I HATE being stuck in limbo.  Probably because of my literal personality.  Oh and maybe because we have been waiting on this for awhile now.

So between the 5 different scenarios, 2 would work and three of them wouldn’t.  We should have an answer today on which of the scenarios is the right one.  I pray that it is one of the two that we can do.  Otherwise, we’re back at the starting line.

If it is a go-ahead, then well… I have to end my gym membership until we get to the new house.  We’re moving to a different city and if we’re going to get stuck with a crappy scenario, that means more money out of pocket and so… bye bye gym membership.  For now at least.

BUT

Even though life is changing, I haven’t veered from my path.  For the next month… i’ll be doing this from home.  Taking walks, heavy cardio on my exercise bike, stretching and doing situps in my living room and basically making exercise an easy-access thing that can be a part of my life no matter what.  I might even do lunges and squats.

I’m not gonna lie though.  I’m going to miss the gym.  All of that equipment I used to push myself to the limits.  Gah.  It’s good stuff.  And the month i’m going to be away from it will be challenging.   But hey, people have lost weight long before gym memberships and they will keep losing weight long after.

I did well with my eating this weekend and am very proud of the kinds of meals I have made for my family so far on this journey.  The fact that I know they are healthy meals and the fact that they taste great, is all the more motivation to keep me going.

Oddly enough, I don’t find myself starving.  However, I do try to load up on Fiber and Protein.  Maybe that’s why?   Of course, I have also been more in-tune to my body’s needs.  I allow my body to tell me when i’m hungry.  And I eat smaller meals throughout the day instead of big ones.

My focus, my positive attitude and my drive are strong as ever.  A game-changer was thrown into the mix, but it’s not a major path changer.  And if this all goes the way I want, then it’s all good stuff! 

This friend and I had lost contact many years ago. Still, I never forgot the lesson he taught me. I figured it was an important one. So I have kept it in my back pocket until this very moment. Because I think it’s important to check in with yourself on this journey. Make sure that you are still happy and excited. Make sure that you are persevering and motivating yourself. Make sure that you are creating an environment that spells WIN. And if you aren’t, then figure out what you need to do to get back on track and go for it!

This week has proven to be a difficult week for me to get my fitness in. My baby has pink eye, my oldest son has strep throat and my husband has been working way later due to server outages with certain clients. I haven’t seen the inside of the gym since Monday.

At first, I felt like my train had been driven off of my path. It felt like one of those moments where you throw your hands up and say… “what the F?!” Obviously, there is nothing I can do to change the kids being sick or my husband having to work late. Those are some of the facts of life my friend. Shit happens and sometimes you step in it. Know what I mean? And really in the grand scheme of things, this is only one off-week.

Instead of lolling around the house moping about it, I utilized the extra energy to keep moving. I cleaned and organized things I never thought to clean or organize. Sometimes, I found myself jumping around in the kitchen just for fun. Or if a good song came on the radio, I would dance to it with my daughter. 4 weeks of working out has me craving movement. Any kind of movement. My body wants to move. From couch potato to mover and shaker in 4 weeks… that’s me! I have also been extra careful to watch what I eat. Just because I am unable to get to the gym, doesn’t mean I should throw all of my progress to the wind.

Today, I was pacing around the house wondering what else to clean (I think I have the cleanest home in America now). Then I remembered my old exercise bike in the garage. I found it buried under a whole bunch of stuff. So I moved the stuff and moved the bike back into the house. This was no small feat and took a lot of extra effort but it was totally worth it. I moved it into my living room and got 45 minutes of straight cardio on it! And after I was done I felt this calming sensation flow over my body and soul. That is what exercise does for me. It chills me out and sends me to my happy place.

So this week, when I check in with myself, i’m going to note that I overcame an obstacle and am still managing to keep on track with my goals all while smiling.

I am taking the time to prepare for date night.  That includes trying out the new acne products I purchased a few days ago. I really want to be fresh-faced for my date.

So, i’m taking some care to have a strategy in place for myself in regards to both food and drink tonight.  I want to make sure that I will make the right choices.  If I tried this on the fly, I don’t know that I would be as successful with it.  So I am trying to plan as much as possible.

How do you handle “date night” with your significant other?  Do you set boundaries for yourself ahead of time?  Do you wing it?  Do you choose date nights as the only night you splurge?

I was teased and tormented endlessly at school because of my weight.  I felt so trapped.  Everywhere I went; there was this solid brick wall.  I remember trying to talk to my mom about it and she made it sound like it was *my* problem.  I mean, it was my problem.  But what I needed from her, I so seldom ever got.  Once, I remember crying to her that I felt chastised at home and chastised at school for my weight.  If my own family couldn’t love me for who I was, then how could *I* love me?

She apologized at that time and told me that she was doing this because she loved me.  Because she had problems with her weight when she was young and doesn’t want me to have to experience that so she pushes me.  I know now that it came from a good place.  But I also know that she had weight problems when she was younger because my grandpa (her dad) was an alcoholic.  Food was her way of dealing with that.  I didn’t know that then, but over the past two years, I have pieced that together.

Aside from eating, I had two other forms of escape:  reading and acting.  I was a really good actress.  I got the lead parts in all of the school plays and felt comfortable placing myself in someone else’s shoes.  Actually, it was a relief to be able to put myself into someone else’s shoes.

I read books like my life depended on it.  What a treat to escape into a good book.  To this day, I can finish off a novel in a couple of days (if I have uninterrupted time that is).

Through all of the turmoil, my family and I actually came out stronger.  They love me and I love them.  But I was faced with so much responsibility and so much “adult” emotion; at a young age, my little mind just couldn’t compute all of that adequately.   I think I developed my own survival mode, albeit unhealthy.  My parents by example were couch potatoes.  I didn’t have a really good role model for that.  And whenever my mom would have me go on a diet, I always felt that it was something that was done *to me*.  I felt singled out.  No one else had to give up the food they loved, but I did.  We never did it as a family.  And so in that way, I felt like I was the one being chastised.  I felt imperfect and broken.

Therein lays my need to control.  Life felt so out of control at various times, that I controlled it by eating whatever I wanted.  And I felt that if I tuned in to other people’s emotions enough, then I could stop something bad from happening or stop myself from being hurt.  The “tuning in to people’s emotions” part started when  I actually felt like I repaired my parent’s marriage when I told my dad that my mom was seeing some other guy (they were separated at the time and I was 6).

Okay, so now i’m bringing this all up to date in the present.

In the present, I have three young children and I am married.  Because I am also a stay-at-home mom, I am responsible for the kids and the house 99% of the time.  All of these are things *I* chose.  But… to some weird degree, I think I had a hard time realizing that I was the one in control.

My dad used to say that he and my mom were the big chiefs and we were just the little Indians.

And I now know why it was easy to lose weight when I was completely on my own.  It’s because *I* was the one in control.  I love being married but I think a part of me thought that marriage meant that I had to give up the control to my husband and to the inlaws.  Now, I know that I don’t have to do that and that I *shouldn’t* do that.

Because now i’m a big chief.  And this weight loss thing?  This is something I am doing for myself.  It is not something that is being done to me.  I can clearly see the benefits.  And this will allow me to be a good role model for my children.  I am trying to make it so that they see and reap the benefits of all of these changes now so that they don’t have to struggle the way I did.  And if they do struggle?  Then i’m not going to put them on a diet.

Because we will do it together as a family.

As i’ve gotten older, I recognize that I have control issues. In other words, for the longest time I felt the only thing in my control was the food I ate. It was the one area in my life where I felt I had complete control and a complete say-so. You see, for the longest time up until I started this journey, I was very comfortable giving away my personal power. I did it because I wanted to be liked. And I felt that in order for people to accept me, I had to dumb myself down and diffuse certain parts of myself to make *them* feel more comfortable. Subconsciously I figured that as long as I could eat what I wanted, then it was okay.

I started this vicious circle a long time ago. My parents were very authoritative. I lived in a very controlled environment. At least, from the perspective of what I was allowed to do and what I wasn’t. Both worked very hard and long hours at that. So, often times I stepped in and took over all of the domestic stuff. I was practically a second mom to my brothers. All of this started when I was 9. I remember my mom leaving for work and giving me large laundry lists of chores. I was responsible for cleaning up after 6 people including myself. I remember feeling overwhelmed. So much to the point that sometimes I didn’t get it done or I did it half-assed. And when that happened, she became angry and usually I got grounded. The funny thing is, much of my adolescence I felt held back and “grounded”. I wasn’t like normal girls my age. I felt like I came with baggage (three kids and a house to take care of).

I grew up poor. My parents worked very hard but for a time, we had very little. I remember being treated like an adult when it came to taking on extra responsibilities, but treated very much like a child when it came to my own needs and wants. And I felt forever selfish for having needs and wants. So I ate those feelings.

My mom became very concerned about my weight around the age of 11. She was forever nagging me to go on a diet. She said…. “Do you want to be big as a house?” That was when I started “sneak-eating”. And also at the same time found that I quite enjoyed eating alone because there was no one there to comment on it.  She was constantly on the prowl for diets that work for me. I felt so alone.

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For me, staying the course with weight loss is much easier if I have some easy snacks or meals on-hand.  I have tried losing weight unscripted and on the fly before, but I found that having no strategy just doesn’t work for me.  As a mom who wears many hats and has many responsibilities, sometimes meal time can feel like a big overwhelming job.

And so enters fast food.  Because you see, for me, it’s easy to drive up and order and take home.  It doesn’t take much time and everyone is fed.  The problem with this, is that fast food, while quick, is majorly unhealthy.  It is loaded with salt, transfats and refined sugars.  You can however, find *some* low-calorie stuff on the menu, but for the most part, everything is ridiculously high in calories, fat and salt.

I love to eat.  I’m just going to throw that right out there.  I love food.  And so for me, getting healthy means that I have to change my course with food.  I have to put it in the proper place.  Because it’s okay to love food but you want to make sure that you fuel your body with the kind of food that loves you back.  So, I am trying to open up my relationship with food to include mainly healthy options.   I would like to share some of what I have discovered with you.

Meals:

• Veggie burgers (warm up your foreman and in 8 minutes or less you can have a healthy meal!  So far I have tried Morningstar Veggie patties)
• Weight Watchers, Lean Cuisine or Healthy Choice freezer meals (choose your favorites and make sure you have them on hand!  Pop them in the microwave and have a meal on the fly!)
• Healthy Breakfast Sandwiches (Egg Beaters, low-cal cheese, turkey bacon or turkey sausage, and Thomas 100 Calorie english muffins — so yummy!  You can make them in advance and freeze them!)
• Cereal (keep a box of your favorite low-cal cereal on-hand)
• Brown rice (you can make so many things with brown rice!)

Snacks:

• 60 calorie Jello pudding snacks
• Colbert 50-calorie cheese (individually wrapped.  You can find them at Sam’s Club)
• Skinny cow Truffle ice cream bars (only 100 calories a piece!  A delicious 2 pt. snack!)
• Jolly Time 97% Fat Free popcorn (1 serving is only 1 WW point.  A whole bag is only 3 WW points!)
• String cheese (low-fat mozarella cheesy goodness!  1 stick is 2 WW points or 80 calories)
• Hummus (you can make your own if you don’t want to buy it in the store:  chick peas, sesame seed oil (if you can’t find tahini), crushed garlic, lemon ~ This stuff is great for carrot sticks and other dippables!)

Another thing I found, is to keep low-cal shaved lunch meat on hand.  I like Oscar Mayer Deli Fresh Shaved Meats.  50 calories and 1 gram of fat, gets you a serving of six slices of meat.  You can nosh on roast beef, chicken, turkey, ham and beef salami!

Also, it’s always a good idea to keep some prepared vegetables and fruits around!  Carrot sticks, grapes, strawberries, celery, green pepper, etc.  If it is already washed, prepared and put into a Tupperware container or baggy, then it will be much easier to choose and transport!

And the last piece of advice:  Don’t buy what you hate.  If you don’t like it, don’t buy it.  I have done this before.  I will buy squash (not my fave) and think that maybe I should give it another chance.  But what ends up happening is that my good intentions of becoming a squash lover flies right out the window soon after buying it.  It sits in the vegetable bin (and at the very bottom of that bin I might add), and then everytime I think about using it, I choose another veggie instead.  I end up eating all of the veggies I like and intentionally skip over the squash.  So the day before grocery day, if all I have left is squash (or insert other disliked veggie here), I will opt out of eating veggies all together that day.  The squash goes bad and I am no closer to becoming a squash lover.

So what I found on my journey so far is that it is not hard to eat healthy if I arm myself with healthy meals and snacks that I can fix on the fly!

Side note:  For those wondering about the face behind the blog, I am going to get my husband to take some pictures of me with our new Canon camera and post at least one on the about me section!

When I was younger, I used to go sledding. I’m not yet 30 but I wonder if these legs could climb up and down a sledding hill? I think I might want to try it. I think it would be something really fun that my hubby and I can do with the kids! Not to mention a fantastic workout! I also want to learn how to cross country ski and perhaps go on a ski vacation of some sorts.

The only thing I do not desire to try this winter is ice skating. My balance is rather imbalanced.

I can see my 5-year old is carrying the same emotional eating traits as I do.  He eats when he is bored, and when he is happy.  He centers his own life around food.  Even to the extent of worrying about meals before they even happen.  An example of this happened the other night:

Just before dinner

O:  Mom.  What are we having for dinner tomorrow?

Me:  Oh… I don’t know.  I haven’t even thought about it yet.

O:  Why not?

Me:  Because, I need to get through making dinner tonight.

O:  Well, I think I want tacos tomorrow.  I like tacos.

Me:  Maybe.

O:  So, are we having tacos tomorrow?

This conversation happens almost everyday in regards to some future meal.  He’s even starting to increase the quantity in which he eats.  This morning he asked for 7 pieces of toast.  Of course, I told him he could only have 2 pieces for breakfast.  He didn’t argue with me….. this time.

And then came my “Ah-ha!” moment.  For the past 5 years I have been battling depression and weight issues.  To the point where I am 170+ pounds overweight and landed straight into morbid obesity land.  And my son.  My precious baby boy has been privy to it ALL.  He has seen my own reactions and relationship with food and has taken it onto himself.  I can’t say whether the behavior is learned or instilled by DNA (maybe it is a little of both?).  But the point is, I had a moment where I said…. “ENOUGH” to myself.

Because at this point, it is no longer just about me.  It is about the way this continued lifestyle (depression, fast food, lack of exercise) has affected everyone in this household.  I feel i’m one Big Mac away from a heart attack and for what?  Because I enjoy eating?   Because I pacify myself with food?  For goodness sakes, I think it would be almost better if I borrowed a paci from my 17 month old.

I recently read an article about the link between childhood obesity and depression in children.  As I have went through my own life, I recognize that much of my insecurities, depression episodes and hormonal outbursts as a teenager had as much to do with puberty as it did the food I ate.

I also think that obesity and depression continue to be linked in adulthood as well.

What are your thoughts on the obesity and depression link?