This week, I have been walking for 30 minutes each day. I knew that it was going to be fairly easy to keep up with and I was right! However, I noticed that my feet are getting a bit blistered. I have had these shoes for a couple of years now and have been aiming to get new ones for awhile.

I did some searching and found that New Balance had some really positive reviews. I have high arches and wider feet (what a combo!). So I think i’m going to try some out at famous footwear or JCPenny.

Do you guys have any suggestions for shoes? I really want a good walking shoe. I am not a runner or jogger (at least, not yet).

This friend and I had lost contact many years ago. Still, I never forgot the lesson he taught me. I figured it was an important one. So I have kept it in my back pocket until this very moment. Because I think it’s important to check in with yourself on this journey. Make sure that you are still happy and excited. Make sure that you are persevering and motivating yourself. Make sure that you are creating an environment that spells WIN. And if you aren’t, then figure out what you need to do to get back on track and go for it!

This week has proven to be a difficult week for me to get my fitness in. My baby has pink eye, my oldest son has strep throat and my husband has been working way later due to server outages with certain clients. I haven’t seen the inside of the gym since Monday.

At first, I felt like my train had been driven off of my path. It felt like one of those moments where you throw your hands up and say… “what the F?!” Obviously, there is nothing I can do to change the kids being sick or my husband having to work late. Those are some of the facts of life my friend. Shit happens and sometimes you step in it. Know what I mean? And really in the grand scheme of things, this is only one off-week.

Instead of lolling around the house moping about it, I utilized the extra energy to keep moving. I cleaned and organized things I never thought to clean or organize. Sometimes, I found myself jumping around in the kitchen just for fun. Or if a good song came on the radio, I would dance to it with my daughter. 4 weeks of working out has me craving movement. Any kind of movement. My body wants to move. From couch potato to mover and shaker in 4 weeks… that’s me! I have also been extra careful to watch what I eat. Just because I am unable to get to the gym, doesn’t mean I should throw all of my progress to the wind.

Today, I was pacing around the house wondering what else to clean (I think I have the cleanest home in America now). Then I remembered my old exercise bike in the garage. I found it buried under a whole bunch of stuff. So I moved the stuff and moved the bike back into the house. This was no small feat and took a lot of extra effort but it was totally worth it. I moved it into my living room and got 45 minutes of straight cardio on it! And after I was done I felt this calming sensation flow over my body and soul. That is what exercise does for me. It chills me out and sends me to my happy place.

So this week, when I check in with myself, i’m going to note that I overcame an obstacle and am still managing to keep on track with my goals all while smiling.

And then this morning…

I am 311 pounds now!  I weighed in at Weight Watchers this morning and lost another 3.6 pounds!  I did a happy wiggle, gave a fist pump in the air and I think I may have shouted out a woohoo!  And like Thomas the tank engine, the little voice inside of me was on repeat; “you CAN do this!!”

“It’s so nice to have you back where you belong.” — I have the “Hello Dolly” plugin activated on my blog.  While writing my post for today that is what came up.  It seems so fitting.  Thank you.  I am glad to be back where I belong too!

I am not trying to get to my destination at break neck speed.  The fat fairy didn’t bring the weight on overnight and she’s certainly not going to take it away either.  Every pound down feels like one more thing in my life that has been dealt with.  I can’t explain it other than to know that I can do this.  And I will!

Five weeks ago, I was kind of a wreck.  I felt so lost.  I had gained all of this weight, and for the past few years have been in and out of a deep depressive state of mind.  Just the thought of moving off of the couch was almost too much to bear.  Hell, waking up in the morning seemed like a full time job.  I have many things in life to be thankful for and to be proud of but the massive ball of pudge and hair that was me seemed to be like this dark storm cloud always following.  My natural state of being is one made up of happy, cute and optimistic.  I’m sort of a wide-eyed idealist like that.  So this storm cloud thing wasn’t working *at all*.

However, the whole time that I was going through that, I knew that I was on the verge of just going for it.  And then, I did.  The final push came when I realized that I was not living life.  I was merely a bystander in life.  Sitting on the sidelines and watching the whole thing pass me by.  That might as well be 100% true.  I am never the one in the picture, I am the one taking the picture.  Because whenever I would see a picture of myself, I would be faced with the full truth of what I did to myself.

So here I am now.  And I feel good.  I feel better than I have in 3 years.  I’m finally taking control of this beast.  And, i’m turning my troubles over to God.  God and I have had a lot of long talks lately.  When i’m done talking and praying, I feel whole and unburdened.  I am not the most religious person in the world.  I haven’t been to church in so long that I think the last time I did was when my first child was baptized.  Something occurred to me the other night that I couldn’t do this by myself.  I needed help.  I needed something to help unburden my heart.  Because my heart is always filled with all kinds of stuff.   I’m trying to right the wrongs and restore my spiritual self as well as my health.

All in all, it got me to thinking.  There are so many other people out there like me.  They are on their last legs too.  They are on the verge too.

To anyone who has not started their journey yet but happens to be on the verge of it like I was:

Just do it.  There will never be a perfect time or perfect moment to take care of yourself.  There will never be a perfect day of the week or perfect month to start your journey.  All we know is that we have today.  None of us can predict how many tomorrows we will be blessed with.  So just take a chance on you.  Because you are worth it.

What was your turning point?  What made you decide to start getting healthy?

Mine was filled with lots of interesting stuff.

Date night went off without a hitch.  I managed to stay away from alcohol (i’m a mixed-drink girl) and order the right thing on the menu.  I tried to keep in my mind that I was there to spend a few hours of quiet time with my hubby and that I was not there for a few hours of quiet time with food.  Making the defining line between the two really helped me put things into perspective.

On Saturday morning while I was taking a shower, my 18-month old baby sprained his ankle.  According to Dave, B did an awkward Michael Jackson spin move while trying to get from a sitting position into a standing one and twisted his ankle.  I took him to the emergency med center just to make sure that it his injury didn’t involve a fractured bone or break.  To my relief he simply sprained his ankle.  The doctor assured me that he would be back in action in a couple of days.  B figured out that he would have to go back to crawling if he wanted to move around and play.  So crawl he did until yesterday afternoon.  His ankle was all better, the swelling was gone and he was back in the game.  Babies heal so fast!

I stayed on track with my eating but I did not get any gym time in this weekend.  I was worried about B and so I kept rooted to the spot.  The reality of the situation is that he would have been totally fine in his dad’s care while I went to the gym but I just couldn’t leave him.  We all snuggled on the couch and watched Monsters vs. Aliens on Saturday afternoon.

Speaking of no gym time.  I was on pins and needles on Saturday and Sunday.  It’s like I had all of this extra energy and I didn’t know where to put it.  I cleaned a little, did some homework, and took my daughter to see Princess and the Frog.  We also went grocery shopping afterward.  I still felt anxious at bed time.  Weird.

This morning went well unlike last Monday.  The gym was also relatively quiet.  It made me wonder if a mass of people dropped their New Years resolutions already.

I was rocking out to my new workout mix on my iPod.  I finished up the routine with Madonna’s song:  4 minutes.  Instead of ending slow (as in traditional cool down mode), I went as fast as I could for the last 30 seconds.

Want to know a secret?  Sometimes I get so pumped by the music that I feel like any moment i’m going to breakout some dance moves on the treadmill.

How was your weekend and how has your Monday been so far?

This week, I experienced both.

Monday was quite a day.  I woke up late, got the oldest to school late, and forgot my headphones at home (discovering this only after I was halfway to the gym).  The perfect recipe for me to say… “Forget it.”  At least, for that day.  And I almost did.  *Almost*.  But something inside of me wouldn’t let me quit even for a day.  I pushed myself and convinced myself that getting to the gym and working up a sweat is exactly what I needed.  Once there, I dropped the kids off at daycare and my youngest was. not. happy.  He gave a gut-wrenching “mommy-don’t-leave-me” cry and I *almost* said “Forget it”.  But I didn’t.  I made myself march up to the gym and select a treadmill.  Mondays are busy days at the gym so the equipment was slim-pickins’.  I chose an older machine near the back of the room.  It was kind of herky-jerky and I wasn’t quite sure it was up to snuff.  I got on it and wasn’t happy with it.  For the first 15 minutes, I had myself convinced that I would *only* do 35 minutes on the treadmill and then go home.  I had reached my limit of Murphy’s Law for the day and was feeling kind of cranky.

But then… 20 minutes into the workout I began to get into it.  I kind of mentally slapped myself back into a better mindset (the exercise helped quite a bit with that though).  I mean, life isn’t always going to hand you a golden treadmill, right?  By the end of my time on the treadmill, I was lifted out of the funk and back into my zone.  I finished my workout on the elliptical and a sweaty, happy me emerged at the end.  A funny thing though…. toward the end of my workout a group of ladies came in and started arguing over who would get which treadmill next.  I guess I wasn’t the only one having an off-day.

On Tuesday, my workout regime resumed without a hitch.  It kind of erased the memories of the case of the Mondays that I had the day before.   Then, I weighed in and lost a total of 2.4 pounds!  I felt vindicated in my decision to stay the course.  It was an awesome feeling!

I proved to myself that perseverance and determination really does win out in the end.

On another note, I took the kids outside to play a little today and wished that we had one of those outdoor fireplaces to warm up with!

The end of the road is great… but not as awesome as the journey

You got it.  That’s how I feel right now.

You see, I have come upon the notion that this journey is going to be awesome, by accident during my workout this morning.  Am I excited to reach my goal weight of 145 pounds?  You betcha.  But, let’s face it 145 pounds for me, is a long ways away at this point.  If I concentrate too much on the end result, then I won’t get anything from it on the way there.

I have been here before.  I have been in this place.  Back in 2001, I weighed 235 pounds and lost 70 pounds over 4 months.  How did I do it?  Well, for one thing, back in that day, it was just me.  I had no husband (or boyfriend) or children.  At 21, I was a budding career girl, living in a one bedroom apartment wondering how to grab life by the balls and run.  I cut down my carbs (ate only high yielding foods), learned to love fruits and veggies, and ate lean meat.  I also started walking 3 miles a day.  And then, when that wasn’t challenging enough, I upped my workout to biking 14 miles 6 days a week.  My motivation back then was to build a life for myself.  My efforts paid off and here I am today happily married with three little ones and on a great career path.

Every week I would get compliments.  People would say, “Oh your face is looking thinner!” or “You are glowing!” or (my personal favorite) “You are looking so good!”.   I live off of compliments y’all.  The quickest way to my heart is to give me a compliment.  I live, eat and breathe compliments.  And back then, each compliment gave me more motivation to keep on going.  Not only that, but at the same time something else was building inside of me.  A sense of self.

I started to really look at my life and define it.  I picked what I wanted, left out what I didn’t want and redefined my needs.  Working out every day gave me a sense of accomplishment and more importantly as my feet (or bike tires) hit the pavement, my stress seemed to flow down that way too.   I was just plain happy to be me and happy to be living life out loud for once.

The end of the road was great.  I got down to 165, looked hot (not gonna lie.  I was a hottie), and felt confident.   But the journey gave me so much.  Because, had I not went through the process of defining myself, destressing and decluttering my life, then I wouldn’t have gotten to the end of the road of that particular journey.  If I would have defined my success by the number on the scale instead of by the way I felt, then I would never have lost the weight or gained a sense of self.

So yeah, I am back here again.  But this is a whole new journey.  I look around and see that my life is vastly different now than it was before.  Still, this time around, i’m coming to the table with the same basic principle as I had back then; I am going to enjoy the ride.  I am going to enjoy the mini successes.  I am going to allow the stress to pour out of me with each workout.  I am going to enjoy the energy I am gaining, the smiles I am giving, and the basic notion that I am living life once again.

Because this whole journey really is about living life out loud.  This whole journey for me boils down to getting back in touch with myself and redefining who I am.

Mini Successes Today:  I felt invigorated after my workout instead of dead-dog-tired and everyday it seems to have gotten easier.  Oh *AND* working out makes me feel thinner.

Now a question for you guys.  What has been your favorite part of your own weight loss journey thus far?

I walked slowly to the fitness center. I took it all in. I hadn’t been to a gym in at least 2 years. And back then, I was much smaller than I am now. What if there were whispers or looks? What if I *couldn’t do it*? Walking everyday is a far cry from this… because I don’t walk super fast. My plan was to do 45 minutes of cardio. And I mean real cardio. The kind where my target heart rate reaches at least 124 for 45 minutes and I sweat like a pig. Not attractive, but effective. I walked into the fitness room and gingerly chose a treadmill. And you know what happened?

Not a darn thing. No one looked at me weird or whispered or even gave knowledge that I was in the room. Because everyone there was in a zone. Their own private zone where they shut the world out and let the music move their feet.

To my surprise and triumph I lasted for more than 45 minutes! I did 35 minutes on the treadmill and 15 on the elliptical (15 minutes sounds small… but have you tried an elliptical machine? It’s crazy! It’s like running but without the pressure on your joints).

While I was on the treadmill, I started to think about switching up my workout. Maybe I would do some water aerobics. Maybe I would try a dance class. The possibilities seemed endless at that point and I was in my zone y’all.

And I came to this conclusion: from that point forward, the sky is the limit. No matter what anyone else thinks. I would no longer deny myself. This sort of denial goes way above food. And I realize that even though I had not denied myself food, I had denied myself other things… better things. For the last 5 years I have denied myself validity in my feelings because I *do* matter darn it. And through those years I have denied myself the simple enjoyment of living. It’s like I punished myself every day for being fat. I was always afraid of going to the beach or to the park because in my mind I felt like a square peg trying to fit through a round hole. In my mind, *I* as an obese individual did not belong at the park or at the beach. I don’t exercise, so why go? My husband and I didn’t go to movies often because I was worried that I might not fit properly in the seats. Everything we did as a family all hindered on whether or not I was going to be “comfortable” with it either emotionally or physically.

And now…. now…. I recognize that I deserve all of the good stuff life has to offer and more. I’m lifting myself out of the rut I was in. I have found a tremendous support system at home and online. I feel liberated. And more importantly, I feel worth it.

On a VERY cool side note: I lost three pounds this week! WOOT! Thanks to the extra motivation from  Seth Simonds’ 1st challenge!

These are (in my humble opinion), the best toe-tapping, blood pumping, work out tunes ever!  If you aren’t feeling like a workout, just plug in one of these hot songs!

1.  Crazy in Love – Beyonce

2.  Break my Stride – Matthew Wilder

3.  Lose my Breath – Destiny’s Child

4.  Yeah! – Usher

5.  Lose Yourself – Eminem

6.  You Shook Me All Night Long – ACDC

7.  What’s My Age Again? – Blink 182

8.  Fighter – Christina Aguilera

9.  Holla Back Girl – Gwen Stefani

10. Breaking the Habit – Linkin Park

11. Dirty Pop – N’Sync

12. 4 Minutes – Madonna / Justin Timberlake

13. Say it Right – Nelly Furtado

14.  Inside Out -  Eve 6

15.  Mystical – Shake Ya Ass

16.  What a Feeling (aka Flashdance) – Irene Cara

17.  Youth of the Nation – P.O.D.

18. Buttons – Pussycat Dolls

19. Click Click Boom – Saliva

20. Higher Ground – Red Hot Chili Peppers

21.  Smooth Criminal – Alien Ant Farm

22. Candy – Mandy Moore

23.  Baby Got Back – Sir-Mix-Alot

24. Wannabe – Spice Girls

25. All For You – Janet Jackson

I am right back where I started.  I don’t feel like a failure.  I feel like a work in progress.  Various things happen in my life and at the core of my being I feel unworthy and shy at best.  I also have a tendency to put the needs of others before my own.  Because the truth is, I get a life-high from helping others.

However, at the end of the day, I skip over myself.  Because I don’t think I am worthy of that attention.

So here I am now.  Really taking an inventory of things and have decided to surround myself with a support system.  A big part of my support system is a virtual world made up of inspiring bloggers, and social networks filled with people who are on the same journey or at least, have been where I am now.

This time, I dusted off the old exercise bike and dragged it back into the house.  I have re-commited to Weight Watchers and will not stop until I reach goal.

I’m not perfect.  I am a work in progress.

Then, I ended up having a really good day today.  I got up, got showered, dressed and got the kids dressed and off we went out of the house.  The walls released us and I felt… free.

But that’s not all!  I made dinner and had everything ready by the time husb came home.  After dinner I suggested that we go on a bike ride as a family.  Not only did we go on the bike ride but we also stopped at the beach and walked it for about a half hour!

When our day was done and the kids were tucked into bed, I could hardly remember what I was so angry and restless for.  It was like magic.  I felt like a flower that was starting to dry up until someone poured water on it.

I feel invigorated.  It’s after midnight and i’m still going from the adrenaline rush!  Husb and I made a vow to try and do this every day of the week.  It’s good for the kids and it’s good for us!

Ahhh….. I can go to bed happy now.  FINALLY!