Truth-be-told, I only wanted to read the classics this go ’round but the description of the book intrigued me enough to read a sample of it. The sample had me hooked, so I knew it was a “must have”. If you enjoy a little bit of nostalgic history (and i’m all about nostalgic history), along with a little bit of sci-fi, slight horror and a good story — READ. THIS. BOOK. The Honeywell Barcode Scanners in the world must be going off-the-chain because I cannot imagine that this book sits on a bookstore (or Kindle) shelf for very long!

What I love most about this story is that I am able to get lost in the storyline. I feel like I am truly experiencing 1958 (and beyond) as the character is experiencing it. King’s style in this novel is so clean and the focus of the story stays on track. One of my frustrations of some of his other novels, is that he gets too detail-oriented (so much so that he has a tendency to get off track and tell another story in the middle of the main story) and introduces too many characters too quickly. However, I can definitely say that he doesn’t do that with this novel and if he does– it completely melds with the story and keeps you “in the moment”.

I am normally not a book-review kind of person, but I was so impressed with this novel, that I am actually thinking of perhaps adding his other novels to my reading list. I thought I wrote him off forever (and was kind of sad about it because people seem to love Stephen King) — but now I have new resolve to read his earlier works!

I just signed myself up for a local spa package.  It includes a facial, pedicure, seaweed wrap, mud bath, massage and a cleanse!  It is a weekend package and it is for my mom and I for mothers day.  I thought she might deserve the royal treatment too!

My mom has been considering creating a spa in her home.  She works hard.  On her time off, she likes to have relaxing moments and *NEEDS* those moments. I spent most of yesterday looking at spa covers online for her. They own a bit of land so it wouldn’t be anything to build an area that has a place for a hot tub and maybe a massage chair or two. I can see it now!

Have you ever been to a spa? This will be my first time!

I have just found out that I received a Sunshine blog award from Jaimie and Brittany. Thank you both so much for this award! I am completely honored and truly you have made my day!

As per the instructions of the award, I am to pass it on to 12 bloggers of who make my day brighter and bring in the inspiration just by reading their blogs!

Here are my list of 12 (in alphabetic-ish order):

1.  1940′s Experiment – The recipes are delicious looking and the ration makes perfect sense of what normal portions should be!

2.  Amy’s Quest to Skinny – I find that I really identify with Amy.  Her weight loss success is such a daily dose of inspiration to me!

3.  Anonymous Fat Girl – Bobbie is a daily dose of inspiration to me.  She has drive and a definite goal.  Her vision and her blog keeps me going.  She is an awesome woman!

4.  CDBG – She’s a cool graphic designer chick and I dig her blog a lot!

5.  Escape from Obesity – I have been following Lyn’s story since the start of my own story (which isn’t very long).  She is a wealth of information and her journey is true-to-form and raw.  I love it!

6.  Fit to the Finish – Diane is another blogger who I feel I can really relate to.  She lost 150 pounds 12 years ago and has maintained it ever since!

7.  Deliciously Healthy – I just love this blog!  I recently found it courtesy of another blog I read.  I am hooked on it!  Brittany is such a sweetheart and her journey is so beautiful and plainly cool.

8.  Operation: Hot Mother – This blog gives a humorous and true look at weight loss.  I just love reading her latest posts!

9.  Project 365 – I am so inspired by Tiffany’s journey!  She is uplifting and positive and awesome!

10.  Shedding the Fat Suit – I love reading Liz’s blog!  She has delicious recipes and a great sense of humor!

11.  Singing for a smaller me – Zan is fabulous!  I really enjoy reading her blog and I enjoy following her journey!  She is so strong and inspirational!

12.  Smaller fun pants – I love this blog!  Can I just say that?!  This was my first ever weight loss blog read and I fell in lurv at first word.  No but really though… small fun pants?  Genius.

Thanks again to Jaimie and Brittany!   Believe me when I say that… I have enjoyed following your journey immensely and am so glad that we’re in this together!

A couple of months before I found out that I was pregnant for the very first time, I found the perfect pair of jeans.  I was meandering in Old Navy one day back in 2003, and found this really cute pair of jeans.  They were a size 14 and a little bit big, but the fit was perfect.  They hugged my rear end just right to give me an apple-bottom.  They slimmed my thighs and had just the right amount of flair at the bottom to make my walking boots look amazing.  The perfect pair of jeans, y’all!

Then, I found out I was pregnant and started eating for two.  They always tell you that “you are eating for two” but really they mean that you only need about 300 extra calories a day.  I took the phrase literally and started eating for two adults.  So my perfect pair of jeans no longer fit when I was about 3 months in to my pregnancy.  And so I had to retire them, even though I had only worn them a couple of times.

Every year, I go through my clothing and give away a bunch of it.  If I haven’t worn it in forever, then it should go to someone who can use it.  That’s my philosophy.

Every year I come across those jeans and something inside just wouldn’t let me give them away.  I kept telling myself that I *would* get back into them again.  And that dream didn’t even come close to fruition until now.  I can’t fit into them yet, but I will.

This afternoon I was thinking about them as I was doing my workout.  I kept thinking about how good it would feel to be able to slip them on over my hips and button and zip them up comfortably.  Just the thought of them gave me an extra push forward.  And then I thought about all of the cute shirts that I could buy to go with them.  And of course, get myself a new leather jacket.  Leather jackets are awesome.

This is a big deal for me because for so long (ever since I gained all of this weight) I have stayed away from shopping for myself.  I wouldn’t allow it.  I would punish myself for being so overweight.  And sometimes I was in denial and would not want to move up to the next size.  Plus, when you are 300+ pounds, shopping is just not fun anymore.  You have to shop in the special plus-sized department.  And even though they are getting better at making cute fashions for plus-sized gals like myself, there is still that stigma that heavy chicks like to wear tents.

So, the day I get to put those jeans on will not be the day I hit goal, but it will be a day where I can feel like I *did it!*.

What is the one thing you are looking forward to being able to do or wear on your journey?

I read every single blog on my sidebar, every single day for inspiration.  Because I know that these people are going through what I am going through OR they have already gone through what I am going through and now their blogs sort of act as mentors (of sorts).

Not so long ago there was this stigma that if you weighed over 300 pounds you were well on your way to having to resort to gastric bypass surgery or some other form of weight loss surgery in order to lose weight.  It’s a scary thing.  As a woman who has had 3 c-sections, I can only say that I imagine these surgeries to be 10 times worse (and c-section recovery is no picnic.  Especially after the first few days when you are afraid to cough or poop).  A friend of mine who weighed over 600 pounds had gastric bypass surgery.  It was a Godsend and saved his life.  But even he admitted that a year long recovery and a drastic change to his diet was really extreme and hard.

So i’m on a mission to find other people who have lost half of themselves without surgery.  It’s an obsession really.  For the first time in a long time, I am seeing things with eyes wide open.  I have a picture of *the new me* in my mind (one without dark circles under her eyes. hydrolyze anyone?).  This picture is clear as day, I tell ya.  And I have come to the point where I don’t care if it takes me 1 year or 10 years to get down to 150, I will do it y’all.  I will.

And also… I would like to throw out there that I don’t think there is anything wrong with having weight loss surgery.  Everyone makes a choice as to what will work best for them.  It’s all related to weight loss and it’s all a journey no matter how you choose to get there. And it is definitely NOT the easy way out.  When they take out half of your stomach and re-route your intestines…. it is FAR from the easy way out.

4 weeks of my own journey has brought me to so many wonderful people.  Really.  I am so lucky to have found so many that I relate to in different ways.  And I love that we’re all rooting for each other!

I found a few memoirs that I want to read:

1. Half-Assed
2. The Amazing Adventures of Dietgirl
3. My Other Body: A Memoir of Love, Life, Fat and Death

Has anyone read these?  If so… what did you think?

Lastly, i’m thinking of getting a BodyBugg.  You know, those black things that you attach to your arms as seen on The Biggest Loser?  Right.  That.  I’m not sure though.  There is a sale on them right now for $199.  But from what I have read, the cost doesn’t stop there.  You also have to pay a monthly fee to enter in your stats and upload your caloric burn for the day.  So it seems kind of expensive.

What do you guys think?  Is it worth it?  Is it like a magical piece of equipment or is it just a glorified pedometer?  Is there a better/cheaper alternative?  Basically, I want to track how many calories I burn in one day.

During tonight’s meeting, we talked about goals; short term and long term.  Everyone had a long term goal of actually getting to their goal weight.   As for the short term goals, one lady mentioned that she wanted to fit in a seat with room to spare all around it.  Simply awesome.  Now how is that for imagery?

My ultimate goal is to get down to a healthy weight and BMI.  But a short term?  Hmmm….

So here and now I am setting my very *first* short term goal.

I want to thrive and survive in PrimalStride’s first seven day challenge.  It is appropriately titled “The 5 at 5 Challenge”.  He has asked all of us who wish to join, to get up at 5am and run, jog, walk, skate or bicycle a 5k.  Check out his blog for more information on the challenge.  Be inspired.  Be motivated to get moving!

My list is fairly simple this year.  I don’t want money.  I don’t need a car.  I have a roof over my head, a family to love, and plenty of necessities.

What I want dear Santa, is for this to be my last fat Christmas.  So if you can throw some inspiration my way every now and then, that would be great.  Maybe even gift me with an old picture of “thin me” for inspiration?  I can’t find any.  It seems the cameras weren’t rolling my way back then.   They sure are rolling now… and that dear Santa, is one of the many reasons why I want this to be my last fat Christmas.

Oh… and if you have time… throw some of these other things my way as well  (below are pictures for your convenience.  I know your eyesight isn’t what it once was):

The things listed above will make me feel pretty.  I like to feel pretty.  And feeling good about myself gives me tons of inspiration all year round! 

So thank you jolly Santa!

Love,

Me

P.S.  I baked you some cookies.

Yeah… me too.  And right now, I know i’m on the verge.

I have come to the understanding that I allow my weight to hold me back.  I allow feelings of unworthiness to wash over me.  I dumb myself down and hide the spark that is me… so as not to let people know that I might actually think highly of myself.  Because if you are fat, you’re supposed to dwell in this mud hole of crap…. or so they think.  The sad part is, while I was busy giving away my power and dumbing myself down so that I could be accepted, I actually started to believe that I was worthless and dumb.  It was this horrific cycle I would enter myself into just to be accepted.

I was talking to a friend of mine about this very thing last Friday.  She and I have similar outlooks on things so she understood me.  I mentioned to her that I was trying to change my internal dialog but that it wasn’t easy.  Almost like I have two voices inside of me.  One tells me that I am pretty great and the other tells me that I am worthless.  The voice that speaks louder depends on how I am feeling that day.

The whole picture is that I allow my weight to define me.

I allow my weight to say to the outside world… “Hey.  I’m fat.  Which means, i’m ugly, lazy, depressed and worthless.  AND I can eat a whole chicken dinner by myself because that is what fat people do.”

And the truth is… that is kind of the stereotype.  Or at least the stereotype that I grew up with.  And that most overweight people aren’t fat, lazy, ugly, depressed and probably couldn’t even begin to eat a whole chicken dinner… know what I mean?

But… wait….

I figured out that my weight DOES NOT in fact define ME.  I define me.  And if I choose to live the stereotype, then I chose it and have no one else to blame for it other than myself; the chubby cute gal in the mirror.

And that my friends… is another one of my A-ha! moments.

“Once we believe in ourselves, we can risk curiosity, wonder, spontaneous delight, or any experience that reveals the human spirit.”

– e. e. cummings

I have to admit, I have been lying to myself.  I’ve been thinking about this blog a lot and realizing that in some ways, *this* is my accountability.  *This* is my way to stay on track.  This is where I talk about things going on and talk about things that are bothering me and hindering me from weight loss.

But… I feel ashamed.  I feel ashamed that I have veered so drastically from the path.  And I have.  I can’t even deny it.  The truth still remains that I *WANT* to prevail and conquer this weight.  And if want were in pennies, I would be a very rich woman.  Because I have wanted this for a long time.

So, it is time to be honest with myself.

I have lied to myself for years.  Pretending that the food I am eating to gluttony is not killing me, when in fact it is.  My fate started to be sealed with the diagnosis of Sleep Apnea after the birth of my first child.  My fate continues to be sealed with poor circulation and shortness of breath.  Hell, i’ve gained so much weight over the last 5 years that I am having trouble doing simple things…. like tying my shoes.

More honesty:

I don’t go anywhere that I don’t absolutely have to because I don’t want to see people.  I actually walk with my head down now.

I don’t go anywhere with the kids unless it is in an environment where they can’t “run away”, lest I be forced to chase after them.

I have enough self-loathing to fill 10 bathtubs.

I do not believe that I am worth anything.

I have heard people say that they are overweight because they put other people’s needs before their own.  I am here to say, that while I do put other people’s needs before my own; I am obese BECAUSE I am selfish.  When I eat to the point of puking, I am selfish.  I am depriving myself of a life filled with happiness.  I am depriving those who I hold so dear to my heart, the very best of ME.

At some point, one would think that I would have figured out, if the hunger is not satisfied by now… then maybe *FOOD* is not what I need.  Maybe I need some very real and very honest self-reflection.  I need to understand and to recognize that being this obese, takes WORK.  I have been WORKING to destroy myself for a very long time now.

I know now, it is a path of misery that I am on, IF I continue to eat like this….no… *live* like this.

Today.  I am taking my life back.