Yesterday marked my first day in the gym. I got the oldest off to school, packed the two younger ones in the van and off we went to the gym. I had a few reservations. I wanted to make sure that everything went according to plan. Things going according to plan is important to me… because I have kids and things always seem to go smoother if you at least have a plan (or at least, this was my hope). I dropped the kids off at the daycare and went on my way. Thankfully, I had no guilt doing this. I am not going to deny myself some much-needed *me* time. Plus, they need time to interact with other kids. And all of this worked out fabulously. All eyes were dry and they were eager to start discovering the undiscovered.
I walked slowly to the fitness center. I took it all in. I hadn’t been to a gym in at least 2 years. And back then, I was much smaller than I am now. What if there were whispers or looks? What if I *couldn’t do it*? Walking everyday is a far cry from this… because I don’t walk super fast. My plan was to do 45 minutes of cardio. And I mean real cardio. The kind where my target heart rate reaches at least 124 for 45 minutes and I sweat like a pig. Not attractive, but effective. I walked into the fitness room and gingerly chose a treadmill. And you know what happened?
Not a darn thing. No one looked at me weird or whispered or even gave knowledge that I was in the room. Because everyone there was in a zone. Their own private zone where they shut the world out and let the music move their feet.
To my surprise and triumph I lasted for more than 45 minutes! I did 35 minutes on the treadmill and 15 on the elliptical (15 minutes sounds small… but have you tried an elliptical machine? It’s crazy! It’s like running but without the pressure on your joints).
While I was on the treadmill, I started to think about switching up my workout. Maybe I would do some water aerobics. Maybe I would try a dance class. The possibilities seemed endless at that point and I was in my zone y’all.
And I came to this conclusion: from that point forward, the sky is the limit. No matter what anyone else thinks. I would no longer deny myself. This sort of denial goes way above food. And I realize that even though I had not denied myself food, I had denied myself other things… better things. For the last 5 years I have denied myself validity in my feelings because I *do* matter darn it. And through those years I have denied myself the simple enjoyment of living. It’s like I punished myself every day for being fat. I was always afraid of going to the beach or to the park because in my mind I felt like a square peg trying to fit through a round hole. In my mind, *I* as an obese individual did not belong at the park or at the beach. I don’t exercise, so why go? My husband and I didn’t go to movies often because I was worried that I might not fit properly in the seats. Everything we did as a family all hindered on whether or not I was going to be “comfortable” with it either emotionally or physically.
And now…. now…. I recognize that I deserve all of the good stuff life has to offer and more. I’m lifting myself out of the rut I was in. I have found a tremendous support system at home and online. I feel liberated. And more importantly, I feel worth it.
On a VERY cool side note: I lost three pounds this week! WOOT! Thanks to the extra motivation from Seth Simonds’ 1st challenge!
