I’m kind of an e-mail pack rat.

Tonight I decided that I was going to go through all 30,000 e-mails waiting in my inbox.  23,000 of them remained unread (read:  spam).

It amazes me how much my life changed from 2006 to now (yes.  I have e-mails from 2006.  Can you believe it?!).  What is even more apparent:  the number of weight loss sites I have joined, been a part of, and at the very least signed up for.  My quest to lose weight and change my life was laid out right in front of me in a smattering of different weight loss communities.  Sites like Spark People, Calories Plus, and Weight Watchers (a few times before this time)… all wanting the same thing– an active member in moi and all begging me to come back.

I had good intentions with these sites.  I think I hoped against hope that perhaps I could find a community that would magically keep me motivated.  Or rather that some weight loss fairy dust would bounce off of the site-success stories and onto me.

But then… I have always sort of tried to find my self worth in other people.  You may not know this about me, but I am an expert compliment fisherman.

There have been times in my life where I have ranged my commitment to this journey from overly committed to laughingly non-committal.

This time… my commitment has wavered here and there but for the most part, I have been actively trying to keep myself on track.  Thankfully, I have only gained back 6.4 pounds.  And let’s be honest… a gain is never that great.  It doesn’t make us feel good and for me… knowing that I actively sort of sabotaged myself for the last month gives me a different perspective on things.

My Weight Watchers leader has this perspective on losing weight and getting healthy:  “Fail to plan?  Plan to fail.”

So as I sit here tidying up my e-mail, I recognize that e-mail isn’t the only thing that needs tidying.  I need to sit down and have a new plan.  Not just a “kind of” plan.

Today is the day I recommit to myself and tidy up.

Would you look at that?  My inbox is now empty.

P.S.  Just out of curiosity — how many of you Wordpress users have upgraded to the latest 3.0?  I’m kind of dragging my feet on the switch– I have to admit.

I firmly believe that we have our addictions because it makes up for something that we don’t have.  For instance, I started binge eating because I felt a lack of control in my young life.  My parents were having problems, we were dirt poor, I was everyone’s maid and the resident babysitter.  This is me, reaching in the past to understand the younger version of me.  The only thing I could control back then was food.  My mom– who had also experienced the life of an overweight young person / teen, tried desperately to control my food intake.  I can still hear that naggy voice say… “Fine.  Eat it.  It’s your problem if you want to end up being as big as a house”.  Of course, I love my mother — but truly I saw her as an adversary back then.  I was Austin Powers to her Dr. Evil.  I realize now (as I did not then), that she was simply trying to teach me something.  She was trying to protect me from repeating her life when she was my age.  It was painful for her and she didn’t want to pass that pain on down to me.  So she did what she could to prevent that from happening.

Have you ever noticed the way you feel when you’re finished eating whatever it is that you’re eating?  For instance, if I have a healthy meal with sensible portions, when i’m done I feel good and satisfied.  However, when I eat something not altogether healthy — potato chips for example, then when I get to the bottom of the bag (oh yes… I have gotten to the bottom of the bag), I feel empty and unfulfilled and… sad.

If I had to write myself a letter today, it would go something like this:

Dear Kellie,

You aren’t going to find what you need in there.  The bottom of the chip bag only brings you misery and a longing for something more.

Yes, you need to love yourself and your body.  But you also need to be realistic.  Being 156 pounds overweight is not healthy.  It’s not even almost healthy.

Don’t kid yourself, girl.  You have the support you need at home.  You have the resources you need.  The next step is to be like a Nike ad and “just do it”.   Because you can do it.  If anyone can do it, you can.

A few words of advice:

~ Stop wondering what you will look like when you get there (it is a ways off and thinking in the future only helps you to become frustrated at where you are).

~ Stop refusing to live life out loud until you reach that magic number.  The number isn’t really magic.  How you feel inside on the way there contains the magic.

~ Stop downplaying your good qualities.  I realize no one likes a braggart but girl you practically hide under a rock when someone compliments you.

~ Start realizing that you are worth it despite your faults.  We ALL are.

Now… get moving.  The couch is starting to have a permanent imprint of your butt.  So not cute.

Love,

Me

I give myself good advice.  I think it’s time I start listening.

I need a pick-me-up.

I feel like i’ve been in this weird place journey-wise. I can’t tell you the last time I was actually enthusiastic about the journey. Or about new foods. I’m grasping at straws a bit here trying desperately to stay seated on the damn horse. What the hell?

In about 3 or 4 weeks, I have gained 10 pounds back. I haven’t been monitoring myself and the whole “core” plan and not counting points? Not working. I am too nonrestrictive and lenient. I don’t write down what I am eating because I don’t need to count points. Except for the bad err non-core food. I figured out that I really do need the discipline of writing and counting.

So i’m here.   Still wanting to lose weight. But want in one hand and *you-know-what* in the other hand and what fills up first?   Obviously not the *want* hand right?   Because the want needs to go further into the *doing something about it* territory.   And I haven’t. Haven’t been doing anything about this, I mean.

I have even dropped off the exercise train.  Yep, regained my certified couch potato badge.

I know this post sounds so flippant but the truth is… I am angry with myself.   And this sort of sarcastic humor — or whatever this is– is the way I am dealing lately.

It’s like one day I woke up and said… “uh… diet? What diet?” And then I use the word diet and it is so… temporary.

I want to get back on the horse.  No… NEED to get back on the horse.  But I feel a little uhm… lost?  Unmotivated?  Sad?

I wanted to write this post for so long but kept feeling guilty.  I kept feeling like I was not only letting myself down… but anyone who reads my blog.  And I know that’s a lot of pressure to put on oneself and i’m probably totally inflating my own sense of purpose and self-worth.  But that’s how I felt.  So I kept denying and kept being SUPER positive until this moment.  Because I can’t be in a world of pretense anymore.  Know what I mean?  I have to be raw and honest.  People probably hate this side of me… but I can’t help it.  I feel like a 1000 weight is lifted off of my shoulders when I am this raw and this honest.

And I realize that I am the only one who can help myself.  But at this moment, I feel lost?  And when I think about getting back on the right path… the thought that enters my mind is…  “Why try?  Life is just going to get in the way again and change just when I get used to a constant way of being.”

Tell me please… has this ever happened to you?   What do you do about it?   How do you regain ground?

I know that feeling.

I recently went bra shopping.

Back story: because of my weight, I went from underwire bras (the wires always came out… too pokey) to bras without underwire (comfort and bigger sizes). It wasn’t a great day. Because it was the day I realized that I had kind of reached the point of no return. At that point, I had lowered my clothing choices down that much further.

Anyway… so I recently went bra shopping and I bought what I knew to be my regular size. The next morning, I decided to put on my new bra (nothing better than new undergarments!). And you know… it was too big. I sat there on the bed in kind of a dumbfounded stupor. Too big? I had been used to the “too small” song and dance that seemed to be the theme of my life for the past 6 years. I was used to things getting smaller as I got bigger. Kind of like an Alice in Wonderland on obesity.

But… it truly was too small. And for a moment I got kind of sad. Because in that moment I didn’t really realize that I was actually getting smaller. All I knew is that one more article of clothing (and it really was a pretty bra!) was not the right size. Heh. But then I quickly shook myself out of that mindset. Helloo!

Because I realized that a smaller bra size meant *MORE* choices not less! And it meant that all of this hard work I have been putting in is actually working!

Was there ever a moment while on your weight-loss path that you actually had the opposite reaction than what most people, even yourself would expect?

Not horrible but definitely in need of some improvements.  I ate a couple of non-approved carbs by accident (white rice with dinner).  And by accident I mean… without thinking.

Breakfast:  Egg Beaters, 1 piece whole wheat toast, turkey bacon, and 1 plum

Lunch:  Nada (we were out and about all day today.  I didn’t have time to eat).

Dinner:  Thai Food — Gang Gai (Gang Gai isn’t exactly core with the coconut milk in it so I counted points for that & the white rice was an oopsy so I counted points for that too).

I think the key to success on the core program is to plan and to have a set list of quick go-to approved core items.

I don’t think I did too bad.  I think breakfast was the healthiest meal of my day today. But I still feel like i’m making strides.

I have noticed that while I am counting my points… I haven’t changed my diet as much as I should.  I don’t get enough fresh veggies and fruit.  There I said it.  I have tried to incorporate that into my diet.  I have tried to do the “clean eating” thing.  But I have found that it is difficult to do.  And I need to do it.  It is an essential part of changing one’s life for the healthier.  Am I right?  I enjoy veggies and fruit… but I don’t always have a *taste* for them.  Urgh.

I’m up three pounds.  I am not surprised.  I am back at 301.  And i’m disappointed.  Sure… as with anything in life… there are reasons.  But I can no longer use those reasons as a crutch.  And I do…   use reasons as a crutch… that is.

I am so-so-so tired of moving forward and then sliding backwards.  I feel like I *should* be further along than I am.  Not just weight wise… but mentality wise.  I am struggling to stay on the plan.  And then, when I go off the plan, I struggle to get back on.

I am grappling with a lot of things in life right now.  Things that I don’t even write here because I just don’t know where to start.  I just recently learned that my mom passed out twice and then was sent to the Emergency room where they found that she has heart issues.  She didn’t want me to know about it because she didn’t want me to worry.  So I had to hear about this from my brother and he was instructed to tell me only the mild stuff… and I feel angry with her because of that and of course worried about her.  And that’s only the tip of the iceberg.

And did I mention the heat is getting to me? It has been H-O-T in my neck of the woods and completely uncomfortable. And because of the heat and the fact that I need to buy a dehumidifier for our basement, I am feeling a bit cranky today. The heat because… well… it’s like hot. And the dehumidifier because well… I don’t want to spend the money on it right now (though it is handy dandy).

Anyway, I am going to try and switch over to core.  I feel the need to completely cleanse my body.

How are you all doing?

And changes? MANY. I think one of my issues in regards to losing weight and keeping it off in the past, is that I didn’t make peace with myself. You see, my world is sometimes very black and white, yes or no, right or wrong. I tried for so long to appear perfect. Maybe I tried so hard to be perfect because I knew that I wasn’t perfect. And my weight was a visual reminder of my imperfection and failures. So I would punish myself with food… yet food was what I used to pacify myself with also. A very vicious cycle.

One thing that has changed tremendously is that I speak up. I am very assertive now. I was not assertive before. I was always so afraid of being labeled a *bitch* or *pushy* and even *disrespectful* or *rude*. So I balled all of my wants, needs and feelings up inside and took on the task of taking care of others and putting their needs before my own. Sometimes I think I thought of it as a noble sacrifice. An act of martyrdom if you will. But really… what was I gaining from all of this? I remember so many times… biting back my feelings… agreeing just to be accepted and then later feeling put out or resentful because I did what others wanted me to do rather than what I wanted to do. I remember feeling drained because it seemed that people always wanted something from me. I remember casting aside boundaries that I should have rightfully put up but didn’t because I didn’t want to be rejected.

I remember dumbing myself down so as not to appear threatening to other people so that I could be accepted. The ironic thing is… while I was certainly accepted, I was made fun of and put down. I was the class clown and not respected at all. But THIS is how I taught people to treat me. And yet… I didn’t think of it like that at the time. I thought I was making friends. But in reality… I was making an ass of myself in the name of acceptance.

Now… I set boundaries (and gladly so). I share what I am thinking whether those thoughts might be deemed rude, pushy, etc. I am truthful but tactful. I am still bubbly, funny, friendly and willing to help anyone. I suppose I have just found my voice and am letting it be heard.

I am becoming the person I have always wanted to be. It is extraordinary and freeing.

What personality changes have you noticed within yourself since you have been on this journey?

I have lost 22 pounds to date.  I went from 320 to my now current weight of 298 (this could actually be lower… but since I am not weighing in this week I will have to wait until next week to find out ).

I am dang proud of myself!

BUT… I want to push myself further.  I haven’t really been working my butt off in terms of workouts.  I have been getting in walks and bike rides here and there.  I have also found gardening to be therapeutic and a good workout (I have been weeding and hoeing like you wouldn’t believe).  All-in-all I have been doing fairly okay.  I have been extremely conscious of my food choices and really making sure that I am getting in enough fluids… especially in this weather.  Swollen feet anyone?

I actually went grocery shopping hungry this week.  Want to know what happened?  Not a darn thing.  I kept the cart filled with healthy and clean foods.  I ignored cravings for junk food,  I did not go through drive-thru when I was done, and when I got home I ate a small bowl of cereal for dinner.  I was actually really proud of myself!  It just goes to prove that a good mindset can help accomplish anything and that grocery shopping while hungry will not automatically lead to death or to the stashing of junk in cart.

My clothes are starting to get a little baggy!! THIS is what I have been waiting for!   The moment you know that you are just about to fit comfortably in another size.  I still have a few pounds to go… but 285 (my 10% goal) is just around the corner!  Last week I bought underwear and bought them in my normal size… and guess what?  They are too big!  I am actually having to pull them up constantly…kind of cool!

I am slowly but surely regaining my confidence. I have just started reading acne treatment reviews and may have found the right formula for me! This is great… because I want nothing more than to have the skin of a 25 year old and not of a teenager.

So those are my non-scale accomplishments.

What are your non-scale accomplishments thus far?

I have had the privilege of reading some incredibly insightful blog posts this week.  Reading these posts have helped open up some answers to questions I had or helped me reflect on where I am and where I was.

Bobbie @ Anonymous Fat Girl had a really good post today on how her journey hasn’t been all about the scale.  And that she will post weigh-ins if they are significant but otherwise doesn’t want to base her life or her journey around the scale.  It’s a really good post and I encourage everyone to read it!

After reading her post, I pondered about my own relationship with the scale.  I have been a bit scale-obsessed lately.  I weigh in every day or every other day.  Somewhere in my mind I have it that if I don’t keep intense track of the scale then I will lose track of it and get off-path.  I realize that it is more involved than that.  I am practicing simplicity.

Every week I worry about weighing in.  Will I lose?  Will I gain?  And I hate that I allow that damn number to dictate my mood for the day.  I am obsessed with getting down to 290 but not so obsessed that I wear myself out dieting.  I’m actually taking everything one step at a time… one day at a time… one moment at a time.

So maybe it’s time for me to step off the scale for awhile.

I actually found a rather helpful article at SparkPeople.com entitled “4 Signs It’s Time to Step Off The Scale“.

They list the 4 signs as:

1)  Constantly worrying about weighing in

2)  Weigh-in more than once a day

3)  You can recite your weight to the nearest fraction at all times.

4)  The scale determines how you feel about yourself for the day.

So yeah. I think I might need a bit of a break. Maybe for a week or two.

Are you scale obsessed? How many times do you weigh yourself during the week if at all?

In 2002, I made a pact with myself.  I was *going* to lose the weight and get down to a healthy normal size.  My goal weight back then was 150.

I worked hard and ate very little.  I minimized the amount of carbs I took in everyday.  I allowed myself 3 or 4 pieces of whole wheat bread a day.  The rest of my diet consisted of fruit, steamed veggies, egg beaters, low-fat cheese and chicken breast.  For 3 months, I pretty much ate the same thing day in and day out.

I rode my bike 14 miles a day- 5 to 6 days a week (the bike rides lasted an hour a piece).  I woke up at the butt-crack of dawn to stretch, do situps and workout my arms (the routine lasted 20 minutes).

I drank green tea and water by the gallons.  I went to bed around 8:30.  I was disciplined.  I felt strong and in control.

I also isolated myself.  I didn’t have a phone (I didn’t want distractions).  I didn’t have plans with anyone for the first month and a half.  I was very much focused on losing weight.  I managed to lose 65 pounds in one summer.

Then, I met my husband.  Even though I continued to lose, once we got to a comfortable and committed spot, I started losing my quest to become healthy.  I lost site of my 150-pound goal.  I was comfortable at 165.  But then, 165 became 180 and then 185 and finally 190.  A month after we got engaged, I knew that I needed to start losing weight again.  After all, I wanted the perfect wedding day and that included being the perfect size.  And then, a couple of months after the engagement, I found out I was pregnant.  And well… i’m sure you can imagine the rest.

When I was done with my first pregnancy, I lost 50 pounds from delivery to the first month.  At 9 months preggers I weighed 265 pounds.  At my two-week checkup I found out that I lost 38 pounds and weighed in at 227.  My doctor was impressed.  He told me I should have no problem losing the weight.  And I wouldn’t have had problems if I would have persevered and kept going.

Once I went back to work, I was entrenched in the everyday hustle and bustle.  I tried to balance a job I didn’t love and parenting (something I loved dearly!).  I had a lot of new stresses and old stresses.  Instead of looking for a healthy way to combat the stress I allowed it to consume me.  I had a husband and a son so I wasn’t alone.  Who cared how much I weighed?  I felt very much in control (even though control is the last thing I would have ever described me back then, looking at it now).

Why did I gain the weight back when it felt so good to be smaller?

I think it’s because I didn’t do my homework.  When I did all of this the first time, all I had was time to myself.  I didn’t have much stress because I didn’t have a lot going on in my life.  I needed something to do with all of that time… so I spent it working on myself.  As the pounds fell off, I felt lighter in many ways.  I had more of myself to give to others.  I had more energy and more drive.  My thinking was so clear.

My goal at that time should have been to figure out who I was and what I wanted out of life.  I didn’t do that.  I didn’t take the time to enjoy just being young and single.  I wanted a husband.  I wanted a family.   Because those are things that were familiar and comfortable to me.  I came from a close family and parents who loved one another deeply.  I wanted that for myself.  And I knew that losing weight and becoming physically appealing was the only way to ensure that I wouldn’t be alone.

If I had done my homework and dug deep back then…. if I would have made peace with myself, then I believe I would be in a different place today (physically and mentally).

So that is why this time is different.  This time, I am doing my homework.  I am digging deeper than I thought I could.  I have a hunger for challenge and success.  I will not give up until I reach my goal weight this time.  I WILL know what 150 pounds feels like.

I would like to thank Tony @ the Anti-Jared for his insightful post this morning.  It really made me think about why I gained all of my weight back the first time and what it is that I can do differently to ensure that doesn’t happen this time.