I am not a victim.

Regardless of the many reasons “why” I eat, the choice has always been mine.  No one is holding a gun to my head making me go through drive thru to grab that high-calorie sandwich and fries I simply *must have*.  No one has threatened to hurt my family if I don’t eat a big dish of ice cream at night.  The food police have not blocked off the perimeter of any of the grocery stores I visit, thereby leaving me no other choice but to grab potato chips, pop and processed meals.  These things simply did not and have never happened.

I am taking responsibility for my actions.  I am taking a look in the mirror and point the finger where it needs to be pointed.  I did this to me.  I hurt myself for a long time.

Enough is enough.

I am choosing to take care of myself.  I believe that being in good health means being on a path of well-being spiritually, physically and mentally.

I am choosing to be proactive and not reactive.

I am choosing to DO and not just to SAY.

.. wore maternity dresses or maternity clothes. It was hard for me to go shopping for normal clothes, especially after my very last pregnancy. Eventually, I adjusted to my new size and bought normal clothes. Still, I was sad because for me — it felt like the end of an era (having kids) and the beginning of a new and uncertain era. One where I couldn’t blame my size on pregnancy.

I hated having to shop for clothes. Until I got used to it and then I didn’t mind. As my weight increased however, I found that I had less choices in the stores and was shoved to the online corner. I really preferred to shop alone. My thinner friends had endless choices, while I just watched. It was one of those humiliating moments where I couldn’t help but compare myself to others. Their bodies compared to mine.

Why did I put myself through that?

Have you ever had a humiliating moment relating to your weight?

I know that life is very rarely, if ever only one way.  The biggest push for myself on this journey is not necessarily that I get an easy-ride without bumps but rather that I am able to get over the bumps and continue on.  Not saying that I won’t have a rough day here and there but just saying that my rough days aren’t going to define me.

This week, I find that I am stronger than I thought I was.  I got through last week and believe it or not — i’m still standing.  I didn’t allow myself to get out of control.  I worked through my feelings and allowed myself time to be sad, hurt, angry, etc.  You know what?  Those feelings did not eat me up.  I had them, dealt with them and now i’m moving on.

The kicker is that while I started feeling better about things last Friday, I slipped on the floor and twisted my knee Friday night.  The same knee that got hit in the accident I had some years ago.  I have been nursing it with ice and ibuprofen.  It still hurts (sharp pains behind my kneecap) and I am having a hell of a time going up and down stairs or being on my feet for long periods of time.  If my knee doesn’t get better within a couple of days, I will make an appointment with my doctor.  Regardless, my outlook remains positive.

I am really proud of myself for staying on track even in the face of the adversity, anger and overload of emotion that seemed to color each day of the last two weeks.

I am, staying the course.

‘Till next time,