Category Archives: The Journey

I can only fix me.

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Well, since I recommitted myself and gave myself a complete reset 2 weeks ago, I am proud to announce that I am presently 6.2 pounds down!

I have to admit though — I have been very quiet and introspective over the past week.  I have been thinking (to the point of obsession) about all that transpired the weekend before.  I think it’s weird that I have gotten to a point in my life where I am actually drawing lines in the sand and verbalizing to people *what is* and *is not* okay with me.

You see, for the longest time, I had been a pushover.  I was always so afraid to set boundaries because I thought that if I did set those boundaries, then people wouldn’t value me enough to a) respect them and b) stick around after I set them.  So, I would give people free reign to say/do/ask whatever they wanted regardless of my own feelings on the matter.

That all changed last week…for the better, I might add.  Because you see, I have come to realize that my main goal right now is to take care of myself and my family (family = kids and hubs).  Everyone else outside of that circle needs to take a number.

I have come to the realization that it is OKAY to set boundaries with my family and friends.  It is OKAY for me to not allow certain behaviors in my home.  Especially behaviors that make me or my children feel afraid or unsafe.  If people outside of my circle cannot handle the boundaries, then they don’t need to be in my life.  Believe me when I say that this realization was NOT easy for me to come by.  I hate losing people.  I hate being a part of a situation where I am unable to make peace and to *fix* everything.  Then again, I have come to realize that making peace and fixing other people’s behaviors is not my problem or my job.

I can only fix me.

When all of the things you tried to bury come back…

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The last few days have been nothing short of hell for me. This past weekend was an absolute disaster. A disaster that included a fist-fight, a heart attack and birthday party (and yes, in that order).

I have had a continual headache and feel like I might need Migraine surgery. On a serious note — I do have a headache and a heavy heart.

I don’t feel comfortable going into details here of the how/why/when of the two situations. I do know that in a blink of an eye, I was 10-year old Kellie again, looking into the mouth of the beast and feeling completely afraid and small.

The past few days have left me feeling like the other shoe is about to drop (as if enough shoes haven’t dropped already). I can only say that I am hanging on by a thread emotionally and that I feel like a 100 pound weight has literally been placed on my chest. Fight or flight mode has been activated.

One of the things that I realize is that these feelings will not swallow me whole and in no way can I ever become that 10-year old girl again (thank God for that). I am dealing with the feelings as best I can although I have no desire to talk about them (as I usually do– I am a talker folks). Right now, I am feeling withdrawn and am in self-protective mode.

Oddly enough, I had a conversation with God a couple of weeks ago in regards to my weight loss journey. I said “Dear God, I don’t expect you to make this journey easy or without roadblocks. I only ask that you give me sources of inner-strength, motivation, and inspiration to draw from.” I have no doubt that I am being tested right now. So, if anything good has come out of this — it is that I haven’t went on one of my famous food binges or felt like the answer to feeling better lay in a piece of chocolate cake.

‘Til next time,

Leisurely reading…

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After reading the Secret Garden, on pure impulse, I decided to pick up Stephen King’s latest novel 11/22/63. All I can say is that the novel has me in a tight grip and refuses to let go until I have reached the very last page. I am by no means a Stephen King fan-girl. In fact far from it, as just a few months prior, I tried to get into “Bag of Bones” and found myself unable to immerse myself in the story. Let me tell you, I simply LOVE a great horror novel or who-dun-it mystery! King just didn’t do it for me — until his latest book, that is.

Truth-be-told, I only wanted to read the classics this go ’round but the description of the book intrigued me enough to read a sample of it. The sample had me hooked, so I knew it was a “must have”. If you enjoy a little bit of nostalgic history (and i’m all about nostalgic history), along with a little bit of sci-fi, slight horror and a good story — READ. THIS. BOOK. The Honeywell Barcode Scanners in the world must be going off-the-chain because I cannot imagine that this book sits on a bookstore (or Kindle) shelf for very long!

What I love most about this story is that I am able to get lost in the storyline. I feel like I am truly experiencing 1958 (and beyond) as the character is experiencing it. King’s style in this novel is so clean and the focus of the story stays on track. One of my frustrations of some of his other novels, is that he gets too detail-oriented (so much so that he has a tendency to get off track and tell another story in the middle of the main story) and introduces too many characters too quickly. However, I can definitely say that he doesn’t do that with this novel and if he does– it completely melds with the story and keeps you “in the moment”.

I am normally not a book-review kind of person, but I was so impressed with this novel, that I am actually thinking of perhaps adding his other novels to my reading list. I thought I wrote him off forever (and was kind of sad about it because people seem to love Stephen King) — but now I have new resolve to read his earlier works! :)