I know it has been awhile since I have updated. Things have been sort of…weird. I found myself sinking deeper into a depression from about August onward. My weight loss progress went backward and I ended up gaining 15 pounds back. I felt so out of touch with everything and most of all… found myself unable to blog about it. I had this mental block. Must. Be. Positive. At. ALL. Times.

I have been to the doctor. He told me that my thyroid is very low. This of course would explain the depression, hormones being out of whack and constant exhaustion. So… I am on some meds and will go in for a two month review.

Aaand…. I have a confession to make. Before going to the doctor, I started to research bariatric surgery. I researched to the point where I had my surgery picked out, called my insurance company to find out what the requirements were and set up the appointment with a doctor to start the ball rolling. All the while? I felt completely guilty and like an utter failure.

This doctor that I have now is new. My old doctor actually quit his practice to open up a sports medicine institute. I was pretty bummed out because I had him for a long time and trust takes time to build. However, he recommended his replacement to me and so I took him up on that recommendation. And you know what? I am sincerely ever so thankful for my new doctor!

I told him that I wanted to have weight loss surgery. I told him I read up on it and wanted to do it because I felt as though I was at the very end of my rope. I was sick of fighting the good fight only to slip into a depression and gain the weight back. It just felt like a never-ending cycle and I was on my last shilling of hope.

What did he tell me? Well, he told me that he doesn’t believe in weight loss surgery. He said that many of the people he knows who have had it, have not had long term success with it. He said that some did indeed have success but the numbers weren’t good thus far on the long term. He explained that people who get the surgery and lose the weight end up gaining it back because they don’t do their homework and solve the reasons why they gained weight to begin with.

SO… he suggested a physician-ran weight loss program called the “Victory Program”. Each person is equipped with a trainer, a nutritionist and a counselor.

Of course, shortly after my doctor’s visit, the blood workup showed a low thyroid, so i’m on meds for that now.

That is where I am at on my journey at the moment. Next week, I go to my very first informational meeting and sign up for the victory program. I am VERY excited and am feeling ready to jump back on the wagon and give it my all. I NEED to lose weight. I WANT to lose weight. But since August, my head, heart and mind have been virtually unmotivated. So, I am very hopeful that this program will work!

How are you all doing on your journeys?

It’s part of who I am (as one who cares too much), but still… I find myself wanting for the days when something can happen around me and I feel flippant or unobservant. Instead I want to fix things. I want to control things and get everything to go in the manner I feel most relevant to my life.

I’m learning to be an advocate of “No Guilt and Move On” or more popularly known as NGAMO. Because let’s face it… how many of us walk around with this big cloud of guilt on our shoulders? How many of us put our hands to mouth everytime an emotion hits (good or bad).

My hand is always to mouth because in my world there is always something to feel deeply about. I love the passion but I really dislike the reaction.

I have been going to Weight Watchers faithfully for 4 weeks now.  I have attended every meeting.  Even meetings I wasn’t so excited about attending because I was sure I had “gained”.  Things are different now.  I know that I need the accountability.  Because at the end of the day, I need to realize that my opinion matters.  So going to these meetings every week is my way of saying… “Self… you matter!”

I have lost 8 pounds so far.  Everything is being lost slowly.  I don’t run marathons, I still eat a bit of fast food (even though that is changing surely but slowly) and i’m not “perfect” on the program by far, but i’m adjusting.

You see… that’s what I figured out so far.  I don’t have to be perfect to be worthy.  I already am worthy.  And I need to show myself that good health matters.  It matters so much more now than it ever did.  Why?  Because I have three beautiful children who I want to see grow up.  I have a husband whom I love and adore.  I picture us as hip young folk taking cruises and riding with the top down when the kids grow up.

I’m tired of sitting on the sidelines feeling sorry for myself.  I’m tired of not loving myself enough.  Self-loathing takes a lot of work believe it or not.

Coming back to the meetings…

The meetings are awesome because each one is jam-packed with inspiration.  Everyone claps when you lose weight, even if it’s only 0.2 pounds and when you reach goal, you practically get a standing ovation.  But it is so much more than that.  It is the feeling of not being alone with the struggle.  Because you know that every person in that room struggles just as much as you do.

So here I am.  Ready to spill my guts about weight loss, weight gain as well as anything and everything pertaining to it.

From as far back as I can remember,  I have never been what one would call thin.  I was a robust child and by the age of 10 had become chubby.  My dad of course told me that it was “baby fat” and that I would lose it as I got older.  But he was wrong because the baby fat turned into teenager fat and then adult fat.

But I happen to think chubby is a cute name.  Chubby babies, chubby feet and chubby cheeks are all cute right?

After 3 subsequent pregnancies (one after another), I manage to gain 130 lbs.  Eating for two, three times within a 4-year period is a lot for anyone.

I am candid about my weight.  I make fun of myself.  But I have learned to love myself and accept who I am as a person as well.

None of this acceptance came easily until I came to the realization that I am who I am.  I have good qualities, bad qualities and have made good choices as well as bad choices.  I am human.

So here I am, being human and writing on this blog.  Because I am honest to a T.   You may laugh at me, cry with me or despise my honesty, but all in all, if you’re reading this blog… I think it’s a good thing.

Hello… my name is K and I like to chew things.