I’m kind of an e-mail pack rat.

Tonight I decided that I was going to go through all 30,000 e-mails waiting in my inbox.  23,000 of them remained unread (read:  spam).

It amazes me how much my life changed from 2006 to now (yes.  I have e-mails from 2006.  Can you believe it?!).  What is even more apparent:  the number of weight loss sites I have joined, been a part of, and at the very least signed up for.  My quest to lose weight and change my life was laid out right in front of me in a smattering of different weight loss communities.  Sites like Spark People, Calories Plus, and Weight Watchers (a few times before this time)… all wanting the same thing– an active member in moi and all begging me to come back.

I had good intentions with these sites.  I think I hoped against hope that perhaps I could find a community that would magically keep me motivated.  Or rather that some weight loss fairy dust would bounce off of the site-success stories and onto me.

But then… I have always sort of tried to find my self worth in other people.  You may not know this about me, but I am an expert compliment fisherman.

There have been times in my life where I have ranged my commitment to this journey from overly committed to laughingly non-committal.

This time… my commitment has wavered here and there but for the most part, I have been actively trying to keep myself on track.  Thankfully, I have only gained back 6.4 pounds.  And let’s be honest… a gain is never that great.  It doesn’t make us feel good and for me… knowing that I actively sort of sabotaged myself for the last month gives me a different perspective on things.

My Weight Watchers leader has this perspective on losing weight and getting healthy:  “Fail to plan?  Plan to fail.”

So as I sit here tidying up my e-mail, I recognize that e-mail isn’t the only thing that needs tidying.  I need to sit down and have a new plan.  Not just a “kind of” plan.

Today is the day I recommit to myself and tidy up.

Would you look at that?  My inbox is now empty.

P.S.  Just out of curiosity — how many of you Wordpress users have upgraded to the latest 3.0?  I’m kind of dragging my feet on the switch– I have to admit.

So, I am considering a temporary metabolism boost from top diet pills and then back on to counting points. I am at a plateau but am confident I can lift out of it. What can I say? The last few weeks have been rough and I am off track. However, I am getting back on and I think that is the most important thing.

I found dermatologist acne treatments. These treatments are dermatologist tested and approved. To me.. it speaks volumes about the quality of the product. It means that someone who understands skin and skincare has developed a product just for the skin.

So just like you wouldn’t trust a mechanic to install your air conditioner… you wouldn’t trust someone else other than a dermatologist with your skin care.

It sounds like a lot… and in reality it is a lot. However, sometimes it certainly doesn’t seem like a lot!

What do I mean?  Well, it is easy to promise ourselves (either silently or publicly) that we are going to work out 7 days a week for an hour or two at a time, eat *only* the healthiest of foods (shunning all other food), and be down to that perfect size in a matter of a few months.

Rigid.  That is the only way to describe what I have written above.  A rigid diet and exercise routine is something we all try to incorporate after we catch the “weight-loss bug”.  The fact of the matter is, obtaining a healthy lifestyle and losing that unwanted weight does not happen overnight.  Perfection does not happen overnight.  After all, when we started to want to lose weight we were either at the point of rock bottom or close to it.  We felt unhappy with our bodies, our confidence and self-esteem in general took a nosedive and everyday became a “fat” day.

Believe me when I tell you that I was all caught up in the hype.  I ran out and bought a gym membership and vowed to workout 7 days a week.  I practiced a rigid diet for the first few weeks… not allowing any wiggle room for human error or slip-ups.

The thing is… I spent the last 5 years dealing with subsequent pregnancies, stress-eating and pretty much putting my body and health in the tanker.  When I started, I expected to pick up where I left off when I lost 70 pounds (or so) the first time.  I expected to hop on the bike trail and ride like I never left.  I expected to jump back in to the disciplined and controlled mindset I had toward food.

The truth?  I fell a bit short of those expectations.  I had 5 years of bad habits, stinkin’ thinkin’ and lack-of-activity to untangle myself from.  I tried to jump back in whole-hog and found that it was a bit tough.  I had to struggle with myself a bit before making progress.  And believe it or not… the progress I felt I needed to make was not necessarily on the scale… but more or less inside.  I needed to feel like I had wholeheartedly embraced my new lifestyle and new habits.  Until I did… I knew that I would be doing a whole lot of  *fake-it-’till-you-make-it*.

What I have discovered is that I don’t need to be perfect at this.  I don’t need to lose x-amount of weight in x-amount of time in order to feel like I have accomplished something or righted all of the wrongs in my life.  I just needed to start making changes.  The rest falls into place from there.

The weight?  Yeah… it’s kind of falling off slowly.  I have lost about 1.2 pounds a week (if you average it out).  But you know what?  I’m not the same person I was 20 pounds ago.  Regardless of how long it took, I am damn proud of that accomplishment.  As for the rest of the weight?  I am more determined than ever to see this journey to the finish line!

So what did I do?  I got real with myself.  I decided to celebrate the little steps I made toward better health.  I stopped dogging myself for the things I didn’t do and started celebrating the things I did do.  I sat down and made a list of realistic goals or steps toward the betterment of my health.  For instance, right now I just can’t do an hour of exercise once a day, 7 days a week.  So, I have opted to take half hour walks everyday and/or bike ride for an hour 3 times a week.  You know what I found?  I am actually pushing myself to do more.  When I scheduled more exercise, it seemed I did less.  When I scheduled less exercise, I found I was able to do more.  I believe it is because I got real with myself and didn’t overwhelm with unrealistic expectations.

In short, be realistic with your expectations on this journey.  Allow yourself some time to build up to your idea of weight-loss perfection.  If something isn’t working… don’t feel guilty about it.  Change it up.  Find what works for you.  Also, keep in mind that every step you take toward better health, even if you think it is a small step, is in reality a HUGE step.

I did go on my bike ride yesterday as I said I would.  Hubs watched the kids and I went by myself.  I was able to kick out 7.2 miles (1 mile more than I did yesterday).  It was refreshing!  Although, I didn’t really think about anything.  I just let my mind wander and really got into my music.  It was good to be able to go into my own little world.

So this leads me to a couple of questions to any of my fellow moms who may read this:

Do you experience mommy guilt?  If so, how have you been able to get over it for the sake of your journey?

Let me ’splain.  You see, I am a stay-at-home mom.  I spend 24 hours a day and 365 days a year of my existence with my kids.  I love my kids.  They are my world.  However, I go through phases of mommy-burn-out.  Usually this happens when the mommy-guilt comes on and as a result I stop taking care of myself because I think I am taking something away from my kids by doing so.  (I know what you are thinking…. that’s a good example of Stinkin’ Thinkin’, right?)

The thing is… I am getting over it.  It is not easy to get over (the guilt that is) but at the end of the day I recognize that I need to take care of myself.  If momma ain’t happy ain’t nobody happy.  Know what I mean?  And besides, taking care of myself isn’t selfish.  NOT taking care of myself is very selfish.  But taking care of me is as essential to my family’s daily routine as taking care of them is.

And I see the benefit of this new lifestyle, not only for myself but for my family.  Owen (my oldest), is making very good distinctions between what is healthy and what isn’t.  A few months ago, he might have complained that I only packed him an apple for a snack (instead of some crunchy, sugary stuff with a character on the front of the package).  Now, he is excited about it.

The same thing with exercise.  I was a card-carrying couch potato at one point.  My kids had all of this energy and nowhere to put it because *I* was too tired to do fun things with them.  If I couldn’t fence them in (so that I didn’t have to get up, naturally) then I didn’t want any part of the activity.  Now, we go places. We go for walks, bike rides and to the park.  I want to be as active as possible.

Knowing that I am including my family in this is refreshing and makes me happy.  Including them as much as I can (but not so much that I can’t concentrate on myself when I need to) is the sword that cuts the guilt.  We all need to preserve ourselves sometimes and that is OK.

My AHA! Moment of the day:  I always thought that if I did for myself and not for others then that would make me a bad person.  But I realize that I need to do for myself otherwise I won’t be good for others.  And that I am a good person regardless.

Now tell me… do you have any weird tales about your scale?  How do you get over your mommy guilt?

I am up .4 pounds.  Making my weight 304.4 for this week.

I would be lying if I said I was completely alright with the number… at first.  Though after a few minutes of disappointment I came to these thoughts because  in all honesty, it comes down to this:

It is not always nor can it always be about losing pounds.  Sometimes the scale just doesn’t reflect the work that we put in and that’s OK.  I’m probably retaining the mother-load of water right now because it’s *that time of the month*.  There’s nothing that I can do about that.  To be angry and upset about it is like cutting off my nose just to spite my face.  It’s pointless and doesn’t solve anything.

I have been switching up my cardio (bike riding, trail hiking, and walking).  So I feel really good about the range of exercises I have been pushing myself to experience.  It feels like i’m opening up doors for myself and giving me options that maybe I wouldn’t have taken up before.  Does that make sense?

Food-wise, I am back to tracking every morsel I put into my mouth.   At the same time, I have been reading up on my body type and I am an apple (“hello… i’m an apple” said in my best mac vs. pc voice).   This means that I need to control my carbohydrate intake better.  I have to admit that I still eat a lot of white-processed carbs.  Regardless of whether or not I remain within my points, at some point I may be a bit insulin resistant.  Perhaps I have diabetes and I don’t even know it (scary thought).  The point is, I need to shake up my eating a little bit and try to stick to whole grains and less carbohydrates on the whole.

To be completely honest, I feel like i’m back on track.  So this weight gain doesn’t phase me.  It pushes me to work harder.

And who knows?  Maybe next week, I will pull up a huge number.  Until then, I think I am going to go for a bike ride and ease these cramps!

PS.  Head on over to Bobbie’s blog (Anonymous Fat Girl)  for a yummy apple-drop-biscuit recipe!

I rode on the trail yesterday for the first time in ages.  Before that, I was just riding my bike around the neighborhood.  But nothing competes with riding on the bike trail for me.  In the mornings the trail is near empty save for a few runners, older people walking their dogs and some die-hard cyclists.  I had my workout playlist going, got the kids in the trailer and off I went.

I rode 6.4 miles.  I felt so accomplished!  My thighs and legs got quite a workout!  By the time November comes, I will be completely ready to compete in the bike race!  I am SO excited! 

I have started to realize that some of the inner struggle I have experienced comes from aligning myself to my age… or “coming into my own”, if you will.  For awhile now, I have felt like a girl on the verge.  On the verge of breaking through barriers and becoming a better version of me.  It’s weird but I feel nothing but hope and happiness at this junction (despite any struggles I have experienced or might experience in the future).  For me, this journey isn’t truly a journey without the exercise.  I figured out that exercise was what had been missing from my equation four weeks ago.

You see, after the move, I didn’t get a lot of exercise outside because I was getting things ready on the inside. Though I wasn’t writing it down, I tried to be as conscious as I could of my eating and food choices.  Still, something inside of me felt like it was going to burst.  Do you know that feeling?

I know it seems there has been some negativity here… but in reality, i’m just trying to figure it all out.  You see, during phase I, I had a great thing going!  But I knew that routine wouldn’t last because eventually we would be moving.  And then when we moved, I felt a little lost and unsure as to how to develop a new routine.  NOW… I have developed a new routine and it is much more flexible and fitting to my life.  In the spring and summer months, I plan on getting outside everyday and working out (on the trail or just walking around the neighborhood) for at least 30 minutes to an hour.  Once i’m done with my classes for the summer, i’ll be able to bump it up for an hour or more.

I feel like i’m on the right track and for the first time in a month I am not second-guessing my choices!  It is an amazing feeling!

How are you doing on your journey?  Did you reach any rough patches?  How are you doing now?

Today, I received motivation in a rare form.  One of my best friends came over this morning to show off her clothing purchases.   For the last two years she has been gradually losing weight.  Today, she celebrated being able to buy size 18 jeans and extra-large tops!  I was SOOO happy and excited for her!  And damn… she looks good! 

After she was done modeling her clothes for me, we had a talk about weight loss.  She asked how much I lost so far and I just shrugged it off and said “16 pounds.  No big deal though.  I have a long way to go.”  She was shocked at my attitude.  I tried to explain that it was hard to be excited about the weight loss because I couldn’t tell the difference in my clothes yet and only a slight difference in my face.  She reminded me that I hadn’t been at it that long and that I should be excited and proud of my accomplishments so far!  And you know… she was right!

As happy as I was for her, I started to feel sad when she left.  I was a little envious (if you will) about her weight loss success.  In that moment, I wanted so desperately to *BE* a size 18.  Oh to be able to actually shop for clothes again!  To actually participate in a shopping trip instead of watching others shop sounds like my version of heaven.

And then I chided myself for being so mean to me.  Wishing for the way things could be instead of the way things are only leads to depressing thoughts of *not being good enough*.  At least it does for me.  The mild-competitor came out in me and I wanted to *win*… but just for a second.  Because then, I took a look in the mirror and stopped the stinkin’ thinkin’ and instead counted my blessings.

The truth is… I should be proud and AM proud of the 16-pound-to-date weight loss!  Despite bumps in the road I am still here giving it my all!  The last two weeks especially have been awesome because of the amount of effort I have been putting in.  I feel like i’m getting back in the game but in a big way.

Instant-gratification is something that our society thrives on.  If we want something, we need to have it now and will find the quickest way to get it without having to put much effort in.  It’s kind of the same with weight loss.  People are always trying to find the best weight loss pills or the best quick-fix diet to relieve the real problem.  I have to admit that I am very much this way.

For myself, I have decided that instant gratification is something I can get everyday.  I may not yet be a size 18 but I get that gratification from exercising and making good food choices.  All of those factor in and help raise the bar to my *happy meter*.

So, instead of focusing on what the future will look like, I am going to focus on the present.  One way that I can help make myself feel proud on a daily basis is by exercising and making good food choices.  And darn it… that’s exactly what I am going to do.

This week, I have been walking for 30 minutes each day. I knew that it was going to be fairly easy to keep up with and I was right! However, I noticed that my feet are getting a bit blistered. I have had these shoes for a couple of years now and have been aiming to get new ones for awhile.

I did some searching and found that New Balance had some really positive reviews. I have high arches and wider feet (what a combo!). So I think i’m going to try some out at famous footwear or JCPenny.

Do you guys have any suggestions for shoes? I really want a good walking shoe. I am not a runner or jogger (at least, not yet).