Does anyone remember that movie “Vision Quest”? It was a 1980s film starring Matthew Modine and Linda Florentino.

I have actually seen it a couple of times. The first time I came upon it, I thought it was a Lifetime network sort of film that addressed male anorexia. Obviously I caught the scenes where he denied himself food (what I didn’t know at the time was that there was a reason for it — non-anorexia related). I kind of rolled my eyes and turned the television off then.

A few years later, I happened to see a promo for it on TNT. The promo caught my eye as well as the title of the movie. I watched the whole thing. It wasn’t bad! There were some parts of the movie where I was inspired by his relentless perseverance and others where I just wanted him to eat a sandwich and get the girl.

You see, it is as though he had blinders on. The kind of blinders that horses wear in order to block their peripheral vision so that they continue down the path they are supposed to without any visual interference that might hinder their journey. Matthew Modine’s character was the same way. He denied himself food, sex and anything else that hinder his progress or sway him from meeting his ultimate goal.

Oddly enough, when I started this back in December, I figuratively put *my* blinders on.   The only thing I could see was getting to my goal.  At the time, everything was so consistent and predictable.  I found that I *could* shift my focus to my health.

Things have changed up a bit since then and I find that I crave having blinders on.  I crave having a one-on-one session with myself at the gym.  I know that I will be able to get back to that but in the meantime I am fighting like hell to stay on whatever track I can.  Right now, it is a day-by-day thing.

I guess my point is, blinders on or not, I am still on this vision quest.  I am still excited about the progress I am making, even if that progress only consists of teeny-tiny steps at a time.  I am glad that I had that short time to focus only on myself because it has allowed my mind to open up and for me to start making conscious decisions about my health, my self-confidence and my life.

If I can still be successful on this journey while enduring the amount of stress and upsets that I have had over the past few weeks and *STILL* be excited about the process and *STILL* be excited about life and the ever after… then quite frankly…  ANYONE can.

With that said, do you feel that you are on a vision quest?  Have there been times during your journey that you have had your blinders on?  Did you like the feeling?

I have to be honest. Until I started this journey, I didn’t have a lot of resources. It was a struggle to get up everyday and get the things done that needed to get done.

Things that are seemingly not a big deal for everyone else to accomplish, were definitely a big deal for me. For example, having a messy house to clean is not a big feat for some. However, for me, it was overwhelming. Going grocery shopping was overwhelming. Picking my son up for school on the days where I would rather hole up inside the house was overwhelming.  Being 320 pounds was overwhelming.

The more overwhelmed I got, the more my energy depleted, the more I hated myself, the more depressed I became. I felt incapable and hopeless.

It’s never a good thing when you start to lose hope. It’s never a good thing when you feel in your heart that life will *always* be like this for you.

But then that day came, where I hit the proverbial “rock bottom” and realized that if I didn’t love myself enough to make a fresh start, then I should at the very least love my children enough to do it.  And so I did.  Initially, my kids were my driving force.  When I started to think about giving up, I thought about them.  It killed me to think that I may not be here for them in the future because of the poor choices I had made.  Because of that, I pushed myself to go the distance.

Something happened along the way and I began to want it for myself.  It has been a long time since I have wanted something for myself.  It’s a nice feeling actually.  For a long time, it seemed I was more than content to sit on the sidelines and watch everyone else succeed and enjoy life.  For a long time, I was content on being everyone else’s cute-but-fat cheerleader.

Being fat and depressed took up a lot of my resources.  So much so that I used up whatever of the left over resources I had for others.  I saved nothing for myself.  I didn’t feel like I deserved it.  I was fat and I was punishing myself for being fat… for being less-than-perfect in a society that will rip you down to shreds if you aren’t their version of “normal”.

I did not realize then that in punishing myself I was actually continuing the harmful cycle.  I thought I deserved to suffer.

Now i’m standing here today and life is like a breath of fresh air!  The fog that had been clouding around me for so long finally dissipated and I can see CLEARLY if not for the first time in a long time.

Bobbie mentioned in one of her posts, that her trainer said that we live in a microwave society.  It’s SO true!  Losing weight, especially when you have 50-100+ pounds to lose, is truly a journey.  One that we don’t get to just simply by eating our way there.  Food certainly factors in, but it is so much complicated than that.  In order to give this your best shot, you have to mentally prepare yourself to get there.  You have to save some of those resources for yourself.

In the end, you have to REALIZE that YOU ARE worth it.

And you know what?  I am worth it.  I am more than worth it.

I am working on the health part. This is certainly making me happy! I just know that the hot car part is not too far away. Of course, it will have to be something that we get once the kids are all grown up and moved out of the house.

What are you working toward as you age?

It is hard staying on track during this transition.  I’m not going to lie… this is the hardest I have tried to lose weight in a time that is such upheaval.  To make matters even more difficult, I haven’t lost a pound in three weeks despite my efforts.

I am in a transition.  My semblance of normal has changed.  At the moment we are in limbo where there cannot really be a normal.  We are striving to get to and define what will become the new normal for us.

I can’t be on this journey if I am unwilling to be honest with myself.  Lying to myself, all of the smoke and mirrors just to hold on to the comfort of food is what lead me here.  So, when I started this journey back in December, I promised myself that I would not lie.  I would not fudge or cheat or steal from myself ever again.

And yet, I look at the numbers, and I can’t help but be disappointed. I had thought I would at least be under 300 by now.

I have to be honest and say that I don’t know how not to feel stressed right now.  My husband and kids have been sick since late last week.  I have been taking on the bulk of the packing, organizing and cleaning.  This is in addition to setting up utilities, talking to our landlord, and making arrangements with my son’s new and old schools.  Not to mention my own school work.  Oh and the van crapped out on us this morning and cost $800 to fix.  All of this has happened and we are just a scant few days before closing on the house.

And I *know* that I have not been eating as clean as possible.  In fact, from Thursday of last week to today I have slid backwards.  I. Am. Not. Happy. About. It.  Everyone is on an emotional rollercoaster here.  My husband is mad because he is sick and the kids are upset because they are sick.

Saturday, I worked out at the gym.  I pushed myself as hard as I could.  I noticed that I was more tired and less able to give it my all.  My body wanted to quit on me before I was actually ready to quit.  At the beginning of the week, I felt like I could push my body to new heights and still I was begging for more. But at the end of the week, I was drained — emotionally, physically, and mentally.

I racked up so many exercise points and burned so many calories in the gym, but still… I feel sluggish… tired… and not at all motivated.

What is going on?

Writing this down is kind of embarrassing.  I really want to keep this blog on the positive.  But, I promised myself two things on this journey: 1) honesty  and 2) accountability.

After getting the van fixed, I went grocery shopping and replenished our cupboards with healthy foods.  I am determined to start anew tomorrow.  And I am doing so by pre-planning.  Meals have either been halfway prepared or at the very least a menu has been written down.  Nothing this week will be left up to chance.

There are so many factors out of control right now.  I need to refocus on what I *can* control.

When I did this the first time and lost 70 pounds, I was the only person in my immediate life that I had to worry about.  It was easier.  I could eat the same things day in and day out and be on a very strict schedule for both exercise and food.  I could infuse a constant stream of positive energy into my life and my home and not worry about the emotions of others or any responsibility to anyone other than myself.

This time around, everything is different.  I have to factor in the unexpected and for me… that can be extremely difficult.  I almost have to unthink it.  And just because I try to infuse tons of positivity into my home and into my life, doesn’t mean that everyone will be receptive of it all of the time.  Case in point:  people are sick and miserable in my house right now.  I would have to be made of stone if I said it didn’t affect me.  Of course it affects me.   When my family is sick… I want so much to help them all feel better.

The weight of the world rests upon my shoulders right now and I feel alone with it.  But I am dealing.  Thishere blog is really the only place where I share my thoughts with such raw honesty.

I know that everything is going to be okay.  I am still persevering to the best of my ability and I know that my normal will come back.

But for right now on my journey… on my climb… i’m heading up a hill.

I have just found out that I received a Sunshine blog award from Jaimie and Brittany. Thank you both so much for this award! I am completely honored and truly you have made my day!

As per the instructions of the award, I am to pass it on to 12 bloggers of who make my day brighter and bring in the inspiration just by reading their blogs!

Here are my list of 12 (in alphabetic-ish order):

1.  1940’s Experiment – The recipes are delicious looking and the ration makes perfect sense of what normal portions should be!

2.  Amy’s Quest to Skinny – I find that I really identify with Amy.  Her weight loss success is such a daily dose of inspiration to me!

3.  Anonymous Fat Girl – Bobbie is a daily dose of inspiration to me.  She has drive and a definite goal.  Her vision and her blog keeps me going.  She is an awesome woman!

4.  CDBG – She’s a cool graphic designer chick and I dig her blog a lot!

5.  Escape from Obesity – I have been following Lyn’s story since the start of my own story (which isn’t very long).  She is a wealth of information and her journey is true-to-form and raw.  I love it!

6.  Fit to the Finish – Diane is another blogger who I feel I can really relate to.  She lost 150 pounds 12 years ago and has maintained it ever since!

7.  Deliciously Healthy – I just love this blog!  I recently found it courtesy of another blog I read.  I am hooked on it!  Brittany is such a sweetheart and her journey is so beautiful and plainly cool.

8.  Operation: Hot Mother – This blog gives a humorous and true look at weight loss.  I just love reading her latest posts!

9.  Project 365 – I am so inspired by Tiffany’s journey!  She is uplifting and positive and awesome!

10.  Shedding the Fat Suit – I love reading Liz’s blog!  She has delicious recipes and a great sense of humor!

11.  Singing for a smaller me – Zan is fabulous!  I really enjoy reading her blog and I enjoy following her journey!  She is so strong and inspirational!

12.  Smaller fun pants – I love this blog!  Can I just say that?!  This was my first ever weight loss blog read and I fell in lurv at first word.  No but really though… small fun pants?  Genius.

Thanks again to Jaimie and Brittany!   Believe me when I say that… I have enjoyed following your journey immensely and am so glad that we’re in this together!

I have been organizing, cleaning and packing. We have accumulated so much stuff since we moved in to this place over two years ago! No really. It’s amazing how much you can accumulate in 2 years! Needless to say, Goodwill has been getting much of the stuff that we no longer need. I would rather give it to charity than hang on to it and have a garage sale in the spring. Too much work. And I have never been one to feel that my things have a price tag on them. We have been blessed with so much. I want to pay it forward any way I can.

So, if you haven’t seen me around much, it’s because I am packing. And organizing. And cleaning. In a couple of weeks things will get back to a better-than-normal state, and I can’t wait!

We have also been looking at truck accessories for my younger brother. He just got a new truck. I love helping him out when I can! So all of this running around has me a bit tired but also a lot pumped!

Here are my fabulous food finds:

1) Black beans — best. food. ever. I put black beans and salsa on anything that I can! It’s such an easy and tasty way to make a meal “southwest-ish”.

2) Chuck and Dave’s Salsa — they sell this stuff in bulk at Sam’s Club and Costco. I recommend it! It’s fresh tasting salsa with fresh ingredients. You can also get it at the local grocery store (it comes in smaller containers but might cost you more in the long run).

3) Sweet Potatoes — Buh bye starchy white potatoes… Hellloooo sweet potatoes! Last night I made oven baked sweet potato chips. I sliced them up to a medium thickness (circular shaped), sprayed Pam olive oil on them and smattered them with a bit of sea salt. Bake at 400 for 25 minutes and wahlah! Delicious and healthy potato chips!

4) Snickers Marathon Bars — I use these bars as meal replacement. They have 10g of fiber and 20g of protein. It’s guaranteed to make you feel full for at least 4 hours! 1 bar is 6 WW points. Oh and I eat one in the morning usually before I workout! The extra protein has seemed to help with muscle soreness.

Well, that’s about it for now! I’m off to go and read your blogs and comment on them! I’ve missed you guys!

Once I got there, I burned it up.  I mean, sweating buckets… this stuff doesn’t phase me… burning. it. up.  Can I get a high five?!

And then when I was finished, I felt like I made the scale my bitch. (uh… forgive my French… err American rather)

Now I feel relaxed.  It was only until I was done with my workout that I remembered I was supposed to skip weighing in this week so that I could celebrate the little strides I made toward better health and not necessarily the number on the scale.  Oops.

I actually haven’t put my post-its on the scale yet.  They are all written out and purty… but kept high up on my desk away from the kids.  And, I guess old habits die hard.  I woke up and said… oh hey… let me weigh in first since it’s Monday.

While I was burning it up at the gym, I realized two things….

1)  My first instinct wasn’t to raid the fridge but to blog/talk about it.

2)  Instead of taking it out on myself by doing a meltdown gorge, I took it out on the elliptical, in a healthy way!

Changes this week:

1)  I’m going to make sure that I get 100-120 oz. of water in a day (I had been slacking on my water monitoring prior to that).

2)  I’m going to watch my sodium intake like a hawk!

3)  I’m going to start training for the Iceman Cometh bike race in the fall.  A nice challenge to look forward to!  Maybe it will help me keep my eye on the ultimate prize!  Registration is March 1st, so i’ll keep y’all updated on that!  But I *will* be training for this!

Thank you to everyone who responded to my post this morning!  I appreciate the support more than you guys will every know!!  (((HUGS TO ALL!))))

So that’s what I got.  I am cheery, I am even more determined to get to where I need to be and from where I am sitting right now the scale can suck it.  I am in control.

Okay so i’m grasping at straws here.

I stepped on the almighty scale this morning and found that i’m up another pound.  WHAT!?

I would be totally lying (or made of stone) if I said this didn’t upset me.  Last week, I tracked every morsel that went in my mouth (even bites of this or nibbles of that).

Yesterday, I stepped on the scale and it read, 305.  This morning, I step on the scale and it read 308.4.  So i’m up 3 pounds from yesterday and a total of four pounds from 3 weeks ago.

February has not been my month y’all.

The *only* thing I can chalk this up to is needing to drink more water?

I have been quite stressed because of the move.  The house stuff is up in the air… *again*.  In fact, we were supposed to close today… but then fate intervened and now we will close sometime within 10 days…. if ever.   So maybe the gain is due to stress?

I need to go to the gym and take this out on the treadmill / elliptical.  I’ll be back later on in the morning to write something more cheery.

But right now… I really need to workout my frustration in the gym…otherwise, i’ll raid the fridge.  And i’ll take my frustration out on food like it stole something.

At the gym or during my walks, music plays an essential part. A certain song will come on and my body will be covered with goosebumps and I will get chills all the way down to my feet. The music pushes me to go further than I had ever imagined.

Fly — a song by Hilary Duff, is one of those songs that pushes me. I loved it from the first moment I heard it. It holds so much more meaning *now* than it did then. I am keeping the inspiration going so that I may get those Christian Louboutin shoes yet (at the 200 mark!)!

In a moment, everything can change,

Feel the wind on your shoulder,
For a minute, all the world can wait,

Let go of your yesterday.

Can you hear it calling?

Can you feel it in your soul?

Can you trust this longing?

And take control,

Fly

Open up the part of you that wants to hide away

You can shine,

Forget about the reasons why you can’t in life,

And start to try, cause it’s your time,

Time to fly.

All your worries, leave them somewhere else,
Find a dream you can follow,
Reach for something, when there’s nothing left,
And the world’s feeling hollow.

Can you hear it calling?
Can you feel it in your soul?
Can you trust this longing?
And take control,

Fly
Open up the part of you that wants to hide away
You can shine,
Forget about the reasons why you can’t in life,
And start to try, cause it’s your time,
Time to fly.

And when you’re down and feel alone,
Just want to run away,

Trust yourself and don’t give up,

You know you better than anyone else,

In a moment, everything can change,
Feel the wind on your shoulder,
For a minute, all the world can wait,
Let go of yesterday,

Fly
Open up the part of you that wants to hide away
You can shine,
Forget about the reasons why you can’t in life,
And start to try,
Fly
Forget about the reasons why you can’t in life,

And start to try, cause it’s your time,

Time to fly.

In a moment, everything can change.

However, I just have to tell you how much I LOVE Weight Watchers!  I like the fact that I can easily count points (or not — if I choose to go core …. err filling foods).  I love the fact that all activity counts.

Today, I skipped breakfast so that I could have a bigger lunch.  I went shopping with my mother-in-law at Bed Bath and Beyond for some odds and ends for the new house.  We stopped at Logan’s Roadhouse for lunch.  I did really well with my choices other than having 2 yeast rolls (which totaled up to be 11 points!  Yikes!).  My lunch was 29 points (I get 36 points a day).  And thankfully, the meal was really filling.

I had to Google the nutrition information for Logan’s Roadhouse.  My old standby dwlz.com did not have it listed in their “restaurants” area.  But i’m proud of myself for facing my choices and totaling up the points.  Granted, 29 points for one meal is NOT a regular for me.  At most, I try to stick to between 11 points (on the high side) and 4 points (on the low side).

We did lunch first and then walked around a few stores.  I’m glad we did it in that order so that I could get a little exercise in afterwards.

Still, if it hadn’t been for Weight Watchers point system and the fact that I am tracking what I eat, I really don’t know that I would have paid attention to it.

For me, the accountability is what is so great about Weight Watchers.  Part of the program is to write down what you eat (or record it in some-way.  I think memorizing works for some people) and also to record how hungry you were before you ate and after you ate, as well as any feelings associated with eating before you eat.

For me, this weight loss plan is easy peasy.  And I am ALL about easy peasy!  Believe me.

What weight loss plan are you on (if any at all)?  How do you like it?