I’m kind of an e-mail pack rat.

Tonight I decided that I was going to go through all 30,000 e-mails waiting in my inbox.  23,000 of them remained unread (read:  spam).

It amazes me how much my life changed from 2006 to now (yes.  I have e-mails from 2006.  Can you believe it?!).  What is even more apparent:  the number of weight loss sites I have joined, been a part of, and at the very least signed up for.  My quest to lose weight and change my life was laid out right in front of me in a smattering of different weight loss communities.  Sites like Spark People, Calories Plus, and Weight Watchers (a few times before this time)… all wanting the same thing– an active member in moi and all begging me to come back.

I had good intentions with these sites.  I think I hoped against hope that perhaps I could find a community that would magically keep me motivated.  Or rather that some weight loss fairy dust would bounce off of the site-success stories and onto me.

But then… I have always sort of tried to find my self worth in other people.  You may not know this about me, but I am an expert compliment fisherman.

There have been times in my life where I have ranged my commitment to this journey from overly committed to laughingly non-committal.

This time… my commitment has wavered here and there but for the most part, I have been actively trying to keep myself on track.  Thankfully, I have only gained back 6.4 pounds.  And let’s be honest… a gain is never that great.  It doesn’t make us feel good and for me… knowing that I actively sort of sabotaged myself for the last month gives me a different perspective on things.

My Weight Watchers leader has this perspective on losing weight and getting healthy:  “Fail to plan?  Plan to fail.”

So as I sit here tidying up my e-mail, I recognize that e-mail isn’t the only thing that needs tidying.  I need to sit down and have a new plan.  Not just a “kind of” plan.

Today is the day I recommit to myself and tidy up.

Would you look at that?  My inbox is now empty.

P.S.  Just out of curiosity — how many of you Wordpress users have upgraded to the latest 3.0?  I’m kind of dragging my feet on the switch– I have to admit.

I firmly believe that we have our addictions because it makes up for something that we don’t have.  For instance, I started binge eating because I felt a lack of control in my young life.  My parents were having problems, we were dirt poor, I was everyone’s maid and the resident babysitter.  This is me, reaching in the past to understand the younger version of me.  The only thing I could control back then was food.  My mom– who had also experienced the life of an overweight young person / teen, tried desperately to control my food intake.  I can still hear that naggy voice say… “Fine.  Eat it.  It’s your problem if you want to end up being as big as a house”.  Of course, I love my mother — but truly I saw her as an adversary back then.  I was Austin Powers to her Dr. Evil.  I realize now (as I did not then), that she was simply trying to teach me something.  She was trying to protect me from repeating her life when she was my age.  It was painful for her and she didn’t want to pass that pain on down to me.  So she did what she could to prevent that from happening.

Have you ever noticed the way you feel when you’re finished eating whatever it is that you’re eating?  For instance, if I have a healthy meal with sensible portions, when i’m done I feel good and satisfied.  However, when I eat something not altogether healthy — potato chips for example, then when I get to the bottom of the bag (oh yes… I have gotten to the bottom of the bag), I feel empty and unfulfilled and… sad.

If I had to write myself a letter today, it would go something like this:

Dear Kellie,

You aren’t going to find what you need in there.  The bottom of the chip bag only brings you misery and a longing for something more.

Yes, you need to love yourself and your body.  But you also need to be realistic.  Being 156 pounds overweight is not healthy.  It’s not even almost healthy.

Don’t kid yourself, girl.  You have the support you need at home.  You have the resources you need.  The next step is to be like a Nike ad and “just do it”.   Because you can do it.  If anyone can do it, you can.

A few words of advice:

~ Stop wondering what you will look like when you get there (it is a ways off and thinking in the future only helps you to become frustrated at where you are).

~ Stop refusing to live life out loud until you reach that magic number.  The number isn’t really magic.  How you feel inside on the way there contains the magic.

~ Stop downplaying your good qualities.  I realize no one likes a braggart but girl you practically hide under a rock when someone compliments you.

~ Start realizing that you are worth it despite your faults.  We ALL are.

Now… get moving.  The couch is starting to have a permanent imprint of your butt.  So not cute.

Love,

Me

I give myself good advice.  I think it’s time I start listening.

I need a pick-me-up.

I feel like i’ve been in this weird place journey-wise. I can’t tell you the last time I was actually enthusiastic about the journey. Or about new foods. I’m grasping at straws a bit here trying desperately to stay seated on the damn horse. What the hell?

In about 3 or 4 weeks, I have gained 10 pounds back. I haven’t been monitoring myself and the whole “core” plan and not counting points? Not working. I am too nonrestrictive and lenient. I don’t write down what I am eating because I don’t need to count points. Except for the bad err non-core food. I figured out that I really do need the discipline of writing and counting.

So i’m here.   Still wanting to lose weight. But want in one hand and *you-know-what* in the other hand and what fills up first?   Obviously not the *want* hand right?   Because the want needs to go further into the *doing something about it* territory.   And I haven’t. Haven’t been doing anything about this, I mean.

I have even dropped off the exercise train.  Yep, regained my certified couch potato badge.

I know this post sounds so flippant but the truth is… I am angry with myself.   And this sort of sarcastic humor — or whatever this is– is the way I am dealing lately.

It’s like one day I woke up and said… “uh… diet? What diet?” And then I use the word diet and it is so… temporary.

I want to get back on the horse.  No… NEED to get back on the horse.  But I feel a little uhm… lost?  Unmotivated?  Sad?

I wanted to write this post for so long but kept feeling guilty.  I kept feeling like I was not only letting myself down… but anyone who reads my blog.  And I know that’s a lot of pressure to put on oneself and i’m probably totally inflating my own sense of purpose and self-worth.  But that’s how I felt.  So I kept denying and kept being SUPER positive until this moment.  Because I can’t be in a world of pretense anymore.  Know what I mean?  I have to be raw and honest.  People probably hate this side of me… but I can’t help it.  I feel like a 1000 weight is lifted off of my shoulders when I am this raw and this honest.

And I realize that I am the only one who can help myself.  But at this moment, I feel lost?  And when I think about getting back on the right path… the thought that enters my mind is…  “Why try?  Life is just going to get in the way again and change just when I get used to a constant way of being.”

Tell me please… has this ever happened to you?   What do you do about it?   How do you regain ground?

Good habit alert!

According to scientists anti-oxidant filled green tea offers us the following health benefits:

1) Helps lower blood pressure
2) Helps lower blood sugar (very important if you have a problem controlling your sugare — aka pre-diabetics)
3) Helps fight cancer
4) Helps our immune system fight off diseases and infections due to being chock-full of flavenoids and polyphenols. (say that three times fast! )

High-grade green teas can even help lower cholesterol!

So swap out your morning cup of coffee for a steaming cup of green tea once in awhile and reap the benefits!

Thank you for reading my good-health share of the day!

For as long as I can remember, I defined myself by my appearance. If I had a “fat” day, then I felt down, depressed and angry about myself and the world around me. If I had a “cute” day, then I felt good about myself and everything seemed to fall into place. In my world, Fat = bad and Cute = good. Over and over again, I let each of those words define me. I allowed my outward appearance to consume me.

When I didn’t wear makeup or have my hair done up all cute, I felt unkempt and naked. Because every aspect of my life hung on my appearance.

Lightening struck me this year (well… figuratively speaking). I realized that for the last (almost) 30 years, I had been letting the wrong notions and attitudes guide me. I defined my self-worth not on my intelligence, wit, or compassion but rather by my dress size — the number on the scale — my “male attention” factor. Now I get it. I now realize that I was so misguided back then.

You see– I didn’t love myself. Not even a little. I loved the person that I aspired to be but I did not love the person I already was. Because my intelligence, wit and compassion was buried under my excess weight. Every sentence in my mind seemed to start with … “When I lose this weight I am finally going to…”. In reality, I should have been trying to do those things regardless of how much I weighed.

I realized this past year, that if I died tomorrow, I would die with tons of regrets. I held myself back because of my appearance. I didn’t have enough faith in myself. I always felt that people wouldn’t take the time to get past the exterior so why show them the interior? But all of this was preconceived. I should have pushed past it.

I digress. Beating myself up about things that happened yesterday… or rather… things that should have happened yesterday is completely moot. What matters is today. Maybe it is because I am starting to feel the power in turning 30, maybe I am strapping the “woman” tag into my self-definition or the fact that I have three children and a husband (and I pay my taxes too darn it), but I am casting the cloak of unworthiness aside. I am allowing myself to be the person I always was inside regardless of whether or not my body is “there yet”. Everyday I realize that I *am* beautiful and that I am becoming healthier and strong-minded.

In my world now…outward appearance is merely in the seat of the court jester. Content of character is king.

When I think back to my own junior high / high school (and heck even elementary school) experiences as a chubby chic, nothing positive ever comes to mind. There are a lot of memories of being teased and humiliated. I don’t recall ever being picked *first* in gym class. And I remember constantly comparing myself to my peers (especially in junior high / high school).

I was insecure back then. I had a personality, opinions, talents and the whole shebang but felt inadequate when compared to my peers. I was constantly judged harshly on my appearance. And those judgments seemed to seep over into other areas of my academic career. Not only did I never feel pretty enough… I also never felt smart enough or good enough.

I found drama. It seemed to be the only place where I could let go and be someone else. Because I sure as heck didn’t like being me.

Here I am almost 12 years out of high school and one show has produced a spark within me that has brought a lot of those memories and issues back.

Which show am I referring to?

Well… ABC Family’s “Huge”, starring Nicki Blonsky and Haley Hasselhoff.

Where do I begin? I am almost 30 and I love this show! Having been heavy during my school years, I find that I can relate to most-if-not-all of the characters. This week’s episode touched on the horrors of gym (just slightly).

It is kind of refreshing to see a show on television that kind of mirrors what it is like growing up with body images, unaccepting parents and peers and all of the angsty confusion that goes along with it. These characters *want* acceptance and *want* to like themselves… but find that they can’t because they can’t get past the weight thing. It is really refreshing to get a point of view from the male characters as well. We always hear ad nauseam about the weight issues of girls and women. So in my opinion it is refreshing to have a male perspective as well!

Gawd how I remember those years!

Have you seen the show?

So, I am considering a temporary metabolism boost from top diet pills and then back on to counting points. I am at a plateau but am confident I can lift out of it. What can I say? The last few weeks have been rough and I am off track. However, I am getting back on and I think that is the most important thing.

There are certain objects, products, etc. that bring to mind a celebration. A cigar is one of them. It symbolizes a good day, a new chapter, and a job well done.

Besides the cigar, what are other objects that can be used as a symbol for celebration?

I know that feeling.

I recently went bra shopping.

Back story: because of my weight, I went from underwire bras (the wires always came out… too pokey) to bras without underwire (comfort and bigger sizes). It wasn’t a great day. Because it was the day I realized that I had kind of reached the point of no return. At that point, I had lowered my clothing choices down that much further.

Anyway… so I recently went bra shopping and I bought what I knew to be my regular size. The next morning, I decided to put on my new bra (nothing better than new undergarments!). And you know… it was too big. I sat there on the bed in kind of a dumbfounded stupor. Too big? I had been used to the “too small” song and dance that seemed to be the theme of my life for the past 6 years. I was used to things getting smaller as I got bigger. Kind of like an Alice in Wonderland on obesity.

But… it truly was too small. And for a moment I got kind of sad. Because in that moment I didn’t really realize that I was actually getting smaller. All I knew is that one more article of clothing (and it really was a pretty bra!) was not the right size. Heh. But then I quickly shook myself out of that mindset. Helloo!

Because I realized that a smaller bra size meant *MORE* choices not less! And it meant that all of this hard work I have been putting in is actually working!

Was there ever a moment while on your weight-loss path that you actually had the opposite reaction than what most people, even yourself would expect?

So, about a month ago I decided to undertake growing a garden.  I found my plot, moved rocks and already established plants and tilled everything under.  I bought seeds and plants that are harder to grow from seed (or take longer for that matter).  I am currently loving and caring for my garden.  I am currently doing it as organic as possible.

And I must say…

I can’t wait to eat the fresh veggies!  I have been growing tired of the bland store-veggies.

As much hard work as I am putting into my yard, I am also excited to do it.  It is gratifying to see my work at the end of the day.  I never knew I had such a green thumb or that gardening would be natural to me!  Believe me.. .if you met me… you wouldn’t think that I was the “gardening type”.

In a couple of weeks, I am going to help my parents put in some pond filters. They have a decorative pond in their yard and they need my help with it.

My parents are also into gardening. My dad actually has a garden that is about 3 times the size of mine. Last year we benefited greatly from some of the veggies my dad sent our way!

So… do you have a garden?