When all of the things you tried to bury come back…

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The last few days have been nothing short of hell for me. This past weekend was an absolute disaster. A disaster that included a fist-fight, a heart attack and birthday party (and yes, in that order).

I have had a continual headache and feel like I might need Migraine surgery. On a serious note — I do have a headache and a heavy heart.

I don’t feel comfortable going into details here of the how/why/when of the two situations. I do know that in a blink of an eye, I was 10-year old Kellie again, looking into the mouth of the beast and feeling completely afraid and small.

The past few days have left me feeling like the other shoe is about to drop (as if enough shoes haven’t dropped already). I can only say that I am hanging on by a thread emotionally and that I feel like a 100 pound weight has literally been placed on my chest. Fight or flight mode has been activated.

One of the things that I realize is that these feelings will not swallow me whole and in no way can I ever become that 10-year old girl again (thank God for that). I am dealing with the feelings as best I can although I have no desire to talk about them (as I usually do– I am a talker folks). Right now, I am feeling withdrawn and am in self-protective mode.

Oddly enough, I had a conversation with God a couple of weeks ago in regards to my weight loss journey. I said “Dear God, I don’t expect you to make this journey easy or without roadblocks. I only ask that you give me sources of inner-strength, motivation, and inspiration to draw from.” I have no doubt that I am being tested right now. So, if anything good has come out of this — it is that I haven’t went on one of my famous food binges or felt like the answer to feeling better lay in a piece of chocolate cake.

‘Til next time,

Leisurely reading…

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After reading the Secret Garden, on pure impulse, I decided to pick up Stephen King’s latest novel 11/22/63. All I can say is that the novel has me in a tight grip and refuses to let go until I have reached the very last page. I am by no means a Stephen King fan-girl. In fact far from it, as just a few months prior, I tried to get into “Bag of Bones” and found myself unable to immerse myself in the story. Let me tell you, I simply LOVE a great horror novel or who-dun-it mystery! King just didn’t do it for me — until his latest book, that is.

Truth-be-told, I only wanted to read the classics this go ’round but the description of the book intrigued me enough to read a sample of it. The sample had me hooked, so I knew it was a “must have”. If you enjoy a little bit of nostalgic history (and i’m all about nostalgic history), along with a little bit of sci-fi, slight horror and a good story — READ. THIS. BOOK. The Honeywell Barcode Scanners in the world must be going off-the-chain because I cannot imagine that this book sits on a bookstore (or Kindle) shelf for very long!

What I love most about this story is that I am able to get lost in the storyline. I feel like I am truly experiencing 1958 (and beyond) as the character is experiencing it. King’s style in this novel is so clean and the focus of the story stays on track. One of my frustrations of some of his other novels, is that he gets too detail-oriented (so much so that he has a tendency to get off track and tell another story in the middle of the main story) and introduces too many characters too quickly. However, I can definitely say that he doesn’t do that with this novel and if he does– it completely melds with the story and keeps you “in the moment”.

I am normally not a book-review kind of person, but I was so impressed with this novel, that I am actually thinking of perhaps adding his other novels to my reading list. I thought I wrote him off forever (and was kind of sad about it because people seem to love Stephen King) — but now I have new resolve to read his earlier works! :)

Tools and The Wanting

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Tools glorious toools!

Irony:  There are so many weight loss tools and methodologies available, yet we’re nearing the highest percentage of obesity in the United States of all time.

I was speaking with a friend of mine who had weight loss surgery about a year and a half ago.  She said that she recently realized that the surgery was really a tool and not a cure-all.  She continues to struggle to lose the last 50 pounds as her body has settled into the comfort zone.  She looks amazing though and works hard to maintain her loss to date.

Her story has put some of the random thoughts floating around in my head about long-term weight loss– into context for me.  Weight Watchers, the YMCA, weight loss surgery, weight loss methodologies, etc are all just tools and NOT cures.

The only cure for obesity that we really have resides in obtaining the mental fortitude to turn the want into change.  If we don’t want to change our patterns and behaviors; if we don’t want to change our lives, then no tool will be able to help us (no matter how AWESOME said tool(s) may be).

Taking it one step further (and as an example):  alcoholism is an addiction-based affliction (very similar to food addiction).  Alcoholics have to first realize that they have a problem before anything else.  Once they realize they have a problem — they have to want to change (you can recognize that you have a problem and still not care to change it).  Then, steps are taken where they surround themselves with a support system (first and foremost) and like-minded individuals and they follow everything one day at a time and one step at a time.

Putting all of the above into context for myself, I realize that for someone like me — it is not enough to just have available tools.  The want has to be there as well.

I was inspired to write this excerpt from Dr. J’s recent article entitled “You Have To Want To:  A Free eBook on Weightloss“.  If you haven’t read the article or Dr. J’s blog, I highly recommend it!  He is able to offer wisdom, truth and tools as it pertains to weight loss.